Zoo Daddy, also known as a deadbeat dad who uses his children as MILF bait, is a divorced father who frequents zoos, theme parks, and local fairs in a sleazy, yet ingenious, way to pick up chicks. These are the slightly overweight men who roam public spaces with a child or two somewhere trailing behind them, while they wear the darkest sunglasses they can find so they can remain incognito as they eye-fuck every decent female ass that walks by.
Zoo Daddy children, called “fish food” for their ability to score their father a hot date hook, line, and sinker, are usually wandering off alone, talking endlessly to strangers, and picking up stray cigarette butts that are still lit and smoking them while they pick pocket soccer Mom’s too busy with their herd of hellions to notice their purse is a little lighter.
Of course, the second that Zoo Daddy spots a particularly hot MILF winking in his direction, he’s wringing in the leash of his feral kids, giving them great big hugs, and asking them if they want another ride on the Ferris wheel. That # 1 fan from the “Ron Jeremy fan club of dead beat dads,” just turned into father of the year in a matter of seconds. And more than likely, his kids will be huffing glue in the basement or trying their first bump of cocaine in the tree house while he’s got that flirty MILF bent over the bathroom sink with an apple in her mouth.
Of course, that’s not to say that there’s anything wrong with being a Zoo Daddy. That fleeting moment of fatherhood that they shower upon their children between the first pick up line and the final etching of her phone number into the palm of his hand, can be more love and affection than some kids receive all year from their parents. Besides, with the divorce rate at over 50%, and the ratio of men to women getting better every day, it’s hard to imagine not becoming a Zoo Daddy once you hit your mid 40’s.
In reality, being the fish food spawned from Zoo Daddy’s can be a pretty sweet lot in life. After all, my father was a Zoo Daddy, and I turned out perfectly normal. I’m a happily married man who has a healthy relationship with all of his wives, still keeps in regular contact with his prostitutes, and drives his illegitimate children home from the Adult Ed. centre every single day. Not to mention I have a successful career writing porn definitions from my greasy, 7 year old Mac notebook, and I was the only guy from my graduating high school class to successfully complete a Sudoku puzzle.
1. Warren’s father is a total Zoo Daddy. Last year, he spotted a hot blonde near the petting zoo, and he bought the entire 3rd grade class a pony ride and an ice cream cone. Then he disappeared into the washroom for about 25 minutes, and came back smelling like fish.
2. If you’re going to become a Zoo Daddy, make sure you have a reward points system on your credit card. Those shag motels at theme parks are expensive as hell!
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