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Zipper Olympics is a slang term for male masturbation. I suppose that female masturbation would be the panty Pan-Am Games. Speaking personally, I got three golds, twenty-seven silvers, and six bronze metals in the Zipper Olympics when I was seventeen and single. Set a world record in the dejackalon.
Here are some of my proudest achievements:
Finished the 100m jack-off in 10.32 seconds. (World Record)
Sprayed semen 43.21m in the dicksus. (World Record)
Innovated techniques in the jerk-and-clean. (Wetnaps!)
Pioneered semen release choreography in men’s synchronized swimming.
I know there must be a cum-shotput joke somewhere, but I just finished masturbating and I don’t have the brain power to find it. Sorry everyone. Nap time…
I’m back!
Unlike the actual Olympics which are held every four years, the zipper Olympics can be held every four minutes, depending on how long it takes you to reload the cannon. Also, doping is encouraged in the Zipper Olympics. I find that a big bowl of chronic helps me “light the torch” even more quickly.
Techniques are as varied as the competitors in the Zipper Olympics. Recently there have been talks about banning “the Stranger” in international competition.
1. Jake was competing hard in the Zipper Olympics in his bedroom when his mom walked in on him. He was disqualified when he lost his erection due to her crying about her “baby boy abusing his body like that.”
2. Opie trained hard all his life for the Zipper Olympics. He masturbates to the “Chariots of Fire” song every night.
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