Despite the hotness and sex appeal of yoga MILF’s, the term x-legged is definitely not a compliment in the world of sex definitions. Short for “cross-legged,” x-legged refers to a woman who refuses to have sex with you, no matter how many drinks you buy her, or how many hours you spend dishing out your best pick-up lines and witty flirtations. Also known as a “Frigid Frita” or a “Blind Carpenter” (because they never nail anything), an x-legged woman has been known to put men in the hospital with 3rd degree Blue Balls and permanent erections, which does cause blindness by the way.
If you’re ever worried you’re wasting your time on an x-legged woman, there are a few tell tale signs that can help you spot them at the bar. If you see a group of girls sitting at a table drinking shots of tequila, screaming things like ‘Giiiiiiiirls Niigght!!!” and “Girl, You don’t need him!!!” and you happen to notice that one of those girls is sitting in the corner with her arms folded, and an angry, menstrual frown on her face with a straw sticking out of a Caesar or a white wine spritzer, then that girl is your x-legged chastity belt. Even if she’s the hottest one at the table, don’t even bother trying. Just scope out the second hottest one at the table, and conveniently place yourself at the bar beside her the next time she goes to get another round of shots. Do the gentlemanly thing, and offer to pour the salt on her wrist for her. She’ll be sucking on your lemons before last call.
Unfortunately, the temptation to try to unlock the vaulted vagina of an x-legged woman is very strong. We all know that more often than not, an x-legged woman is a total starfish in bed anyway. The reason they don’t want to have sex is because they’re so inhibited in bed that they’ve never actually enjoyed it. However, there is always that one exception. That girl who is so sexually perverse and twisted inside her head, that she has forced herself to remain celibate her entire life because she’s ashamed of how dirty her mind really is. She’s terrified that if she ever unleashed her sexual fury, she’d turn horny, virile men into weeping little boys. Ironically, that’s what we all really want in the end anyway.
So, many of us will try time and time again to pry open the legs of an x-legged girl, desperately hoping that we’re chiseling away at a Pandora’s Box of unbridled debauchery, when in reality we’re probably knocking on a giant, cement door that’s locking up nothing more than a dusty room filled with cobwebs and cold dampness.
1. Uncle Herb had a theory that all women were x-legged before the invention of alcohol and porno. Then again, Uncle Herb only slept with drunk pornstars, and he was broke because of it.
2. Unless you look like Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp, it isn’t really worth the effort to try and unlock an x-legged woman. You’ll just end up in the ER with plums the size of eggplants.
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