Many women look at a man’s crotch when they are interested in him to see if he is well hung. The problem with looking at a man’s trousers and trying to determine whether or not he is well hung based on his flaccid penis is that some men are “show-ers”, and some men are “growers”.

A “show-er” is a man whose flaccid penis is still sizable, despite the lack of stimulation. A “grower” is a man whose flaccid penis is smaller than the “grow-er’s”, but whose penis grows to normal size once stimulated. So, a “show-er” that has a four inch flaccid penis, will grow into a seven inch erect penis. And a “grower” that has a two inch flaccid penis, will grow also grow into a seven inch erect penis. They both end up seven inches erect, but start off in different flaccid states.

In other words ladies, a man that looks “well hung” is not necessarily going to end up with a bigger stiffy than a guy with a little flaccid dick. I’m afraid you’re going to have to blow them both and take a more accurate measurement before making a final judgment.

For some lucky guys, like me, the flaccid and erect penis states are both very large. This is a nice perk as a human male, since women these days seem to put a lot of importance on the size of the penis.

I don’t actually think that penis size matters at all. After all, if a woman has strong Kegel muscles in her vagina, she can clamp down and make any sized penis feel snug inside her. It’s only women with loose, sloppy vaginas that “need” a big dick. Why do they need it? Because their Kegels are so weak that only a bowling-pin sized dong can make them feel anything.

Fuck that. I’m tired of guys thinking their perfectly normal sized dicks are inferior to the monster cocks they see in porn. After all, a man can’t do anything about the size of the cock he is blessed with. What he’s got is what he’s got. A woman, on the other hand, can strengthen her Kegels with a simple set of Kegel exercises. She can do it while she’s sitting at work, and no one would know. But her man would certainly know that night. Because she would be able to grip him and give him a quality ride for once.

That being said, it is awesome to be well-hung.

1. Jason was embarrassed when he popped a boner at the high school dance. But Martina could feel his well-hung penis against her hip and decided to fuck him that night.

2. Justin Bieber is not Well Hung.

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Erection 

Kegel Exercises

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Ah, the old fuck and chuck. We’ve all been there. Either on the receiving end or dolling it out. We’ve all had some kind of encounter where we end up out the door at the end, not necessarily on our asses, but close. I met this dude at a bar once. Well, I was dancing, already drunk on mixed drinks I’d had at a friend’s house earlier that night (we were too poor to buy drinks at the bar itself), and I was all whirling around being all sexy, or at least I was sure I was sexy, but in reality I probably looked like a total idiot, shaking my body and being all crazy with my dancing. Anyway, there was this decent looking guy dancing near me. He looked kind of like he could’ve been in the military, all closely cropped haircut and broad shoulders. He was a good dancer, I think. After a while we were clearly dancing together, grinding our bodies together. Then we were making out. Everything was all blurry and disjointed like some kind of stop-motion animation video, and after awhile I decided it was time, that I needed to go home with him before I lost my nerve, because alcohol only stays in the system for so long and I really wanted to a) get laid, and b) stick it to the guy I really wanted to be with at the time who was being all douchey and unsure about committing to me.

So we drove to his place, stopping only for condoms (glad we did that), and in reality I have no idea if he was driving us around the city totally loaded, or if he was actually sober, but I was definitely fucked up. We got to his place and his roommate and his roommate’s girlfriend were totally up and hanging out in the living room, so we decided to decrease the awkwardness of the fact that I was clearly there to fuck this dude and leave. So we had a beer at two in the morning with the roommate and girlfriend. We sat there for the appropriate half and hour and then finally excused ourselves, went to his bedroom and banged the night away, except I was still so drunk that I only remember bits and pieces. I think the sex was good though.

At five in the morning he went out for a cigarette and I left. As I was leaving I asked him for a cigarette, and he lit it for me and waved. It was about the most unromantic moment that ever existed and I wanted out of there. So I started walking, realizing I had no idea where I was and I ended up spending the rest of my bi-weekly going out money on a cab back to my apartment.

1. It was a total wham, bam, thank-you ma’am situation. I nailed her and then left. Then I ran into her at my cousin’s wedding. Turns out she’s my cousin too.

2. When he left, I rolled over and fell asleep. Wham, bam, thank-you ma’am, just like that.

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Fuck

Quickie

Mmm. That was a good sandwich. We all good now? Perfect. Let’s continue.

The phrase “wack off” is very similar to “jerk off”, “jack off”, and “beat off”; and all of them mean the same thing – pulling on your wiener until it shoots out some man milk. Some people spell “wack” with an “h” (whack), but those people obviously aren’t concerned with the insane price of printer ink these days. Oh, we’re so impressed, Richie Rich.

When I masturbate (on the very rare occasion I don’t have a juicy pussy begging me for a deep dicking), I like to use a little bit of lube to help reduce friction with my hand. Ideally I use actual sex lube, but if I’m all out, there are plenty of options. I’ve used shampoo in the shower to wack off, spit when I’m camping in my tent, and olive oil if I’ve got some kitchen masturbating to do. Basically anything that makes your cock slide more easily, and won’t harm your dick is fine.

Personally, I think that rather than being called “wacking off” it should be called “wacking out”. Because nothing is really coming “off” when you masturbate (Jesus, wouldn’t it be terrible if anything did come off!) But there is something that comes out when you masturbate – the semen. So let’s get a grass roots movement going where we all start calling it wacking out. Let’s see if we can get it to stick. Pun intended.

I did an informal poll of all my friends to find out what their wacking off quirks were. One of my buddies still masturbates every night before bed. It’s his sleeping pill. The thing is, he’s married! I asked him if he masturbates after having sex with his wife. He said “What sex with my wife?” Then he laughed. But I think I saw a little single tear fall as he was laughing. Poor guy.

The best way to clean up after wacking off is to have some Kleenex handy. Just squirt your orgasm into the Kleenex, and then flush it down the toilet once you’ve pulled your pants up. I used to use my socks, but that got pretty gross after a dozen or so cum shots. My one friend told me he used to call his dog into his room after masturbating and getting the dog to lick up his cum. I nearly threw up picturing that, but then thought about how good a clean-up system that would have been.

Poor dog.

1. Gus preferred to Wack Off while watching his neighbor across the alleyway exercise and do yoga.

2. John Travolta likes to Wack Off while watching reruns of “Simon and Simon”.

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Balls

Cum

For a man to get worked up, it could be something as simple as checking the mailbox and discovering the most recent issue of Sears catalogue has arrived, knowing full well that there will also be a brand new bra and panties section to spooge all over while you lock yourself in the bathroom. It could also be simple things from the local environment, such as sitting at the back of the streetcar on a Thursday night, watching all of the college girls in short skirts giggle and sway their drunken bodies from side to side on the way to the bar. That alone is enough to get some men ‘permafrost,’ which is a term used for a man’s permanently erect penis; an erection so stiff that it won’t go away until he somehow manages to blow his load (i.e. the thawing process).

Women, on the other hand, can be much more difficult to ‘work up.’ I once dated a girl who needed a full body massage, three hours of deep conversation about her “daddy issues,” and a 2 hour documentary on the Kingdom of the Wild. For some reason, she’d be as cold and dry as a speculum until the part where the male lion mounts the female lion, and then as soon as the cubs started digging into the bloody flesh of the baby zebra he caught, she’d be grinding her sopping wet vagina all over my face.

Another difficult thing about getting your sexual partner worked up is that you might not have any idea what type of fetishes they are into. For example, some men get extremely horny whenever they hear a female fart in public, yet they’re absolutely disgusted by the idea of anal sex and rim jobs. In Japan, there are hundreds of thousands of businessmen men who get off on the idea of pretty young school girls stomping on fish guts and baby squid in their bare feet, all while singing the American National Anthem. Even stranger, there is a large population of Swedish hipsters whose penises bulge and vaginas flutter at the mere mention of the phrase “IKEA Quickie.” I know what you’re thinking, but the term doesn’t actually refer to having a quick fuck inside an IKEA store. It actually refers to making a detour to the nearest IKEA outlet to do some rapid drive-by shopping, all while on the way home to have sex with their spouse.

Whatever tickles your genital, keep in mind that the weirder and more fucked up your fetishes are, the harder it will be for your partners to get you ‘worked up.’ If you’re into sea urchin foot stomping or Brand Name foreplay, then maybe you’ll have to get yourself worked up all on your own. Then, let your partner take over once you’re all revved up.

1. Nothing works me up more than a young attractive librarian adding up my late fees on a calculator. I once kept a copy of Of Mice and Men for two years, even though I already read it.

2. If you want to work up your boyfriend or husband, just tell them about all your past lovers by constantly referring to how much better and ‘bigger’ they are. Our penis is directly connected to our Egos, so increased blood flow to one organ means increased blood flow to another.

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Arousal

Horndog

I can’t say I was shy or even unpopular necessarily. I certainly wasn’t picked on, but my high school was kind of artsy and I think the general school culture prided itself on not picking or bullying people (though I’m positive that must have happened…it happens everywhere else). But whether one is actually unpopular doesn’t really matter. Most of us felt unpopular and that’s how I felt. I wasn’t shy exactly, but I was self-conscious and certainly not very confident in myself. Which was a shame really because I had all kinds of confidence in grade 8. I was in love with a boy who loved me. I had started shaving my legs and they never looked better. This boy and I used to slow dance to Sarah McLachlan’s Ice Cream and this was when we were just ‘best friends’ and would spend hours on the phone at night, talking and talking. He wrote me the first and only love poems anyone’s ever written me. He was the first boy I really kissed (like, with tongues), the first boy who made me feel truly special, the first boy who held me and comforted me and called me his best friend and his lover (which was super pretentious, given that we were as far from sleeping with each other as two people could be…but we were lovers because we loved each other, right?).

Oh, and he was gay.

I mean, he didn’t really own that yet, though he did come out as bisexual, which I was cool with (and now that I think about it that was kind of progressive of me. I thought it was hot to be into a bisexual boy). All of this was fine until we broke up after ten months of being best friends and five torturous weeks of dating and being ‘in love’. He was a year behind me, so I started grade nine incredibly lonely and terribly heartbroken. And my confidence…well, it shot so far down it was practically digging its way to China.

I remember being at my first high school dance and making myself ask a boy I thought was cute to dance. It was just about the most awkward experience of my life. He ended up asking my friend Natalie out a few weeks later. Natalie, with her gorgeous freckled skin and her light orange hair and her ballerina’s body. How the hell could I compete with that.

It took about fifteen years for me to get my confidence back after grade nine.

1. Tara was always the wallflower. Always the one on the sidelines, watching all her friends get noticed.

2. Beatrice stood at the back of the gym, blending in with the flowers in the wall.

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Leanne

Prude

People who are into WAM sex are, in Freudian terms, “anal expulsive”. Usually, when someone is called “anal”, and when it’s not pertaining to putting it or getting in in the butty hole, they are talking about “anal retentive” people – those who are super clean, proper, and have a stick up their butt. But in reality and psychology, “anal” can refer to “anal retentive” (the norm), or “anal expulsive”. Anal expulsives are those who like being messy, disheveled, and generally loose. These are the folk who enjoy WAM the most and revel in the grossness or combining the food, water, mud and oil for an overall disgustingly crazy messy sexual experience.

The food used in WAM can be really anything, but the sloppier the better. Favorite foods include sloppy joe’s, spaghetti and meatballs, pudding (mainly chocolate or butterscotch), and gravy. These foods can be eaten during the sexual play, or just used as a means of body lubrication (think slippery bodies sliding on each other with tomato sauce between torsos).

The oil involved can be edible (olive, canola, vegetable, or lard-based oils), or mechanical oils. However, it is not wise to eat any mechanical oils, such as WD 40 or 30, or anything you put in your car engine. It can be toxic and fatal if swallowed. But if you are questioning this, please use a condom when engaging in WAM because, my friend, you should never ever procreate.

1. I didn’t realize that the doggy-bag from dinner was going to be used later for WAM sex.

2. I knew my internet date was into WAM so I brought a vile of vegetable oil to her apartment.

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Anal Sex

Veggie Porn

Vibrator addiction, AKA: wonder stick dependence.

I’m talking to you, ladies. Because on behalf of all men, I’d like you to understand what the problems are if you get used to your sex toy, and then try to have sex with a normal man. You see, when you press your vibrator against your clit, or up inside your pussy, that thing is vibrating at like a thousand vibrations per second. It’s why you can usually cum so fast with one. It’s unnaturally good at delivering the vibrations.

Now, you meet a nice man and begin dating. You fall for him because he’s a good guy. You go to bed together, and…nothing. You can’t cum. Oh, he does his best. He fingers you as fast as he can. His jaw locks from the hours of cunnilingus he gives you. But you still can’t orgasm. Why? Because no man can approach the vibration power of a wonder stick. Your clit is waiting for what it knows delivers it’s fix. And the guy can’t even come close with his fingers and mouth.

So, you’re there disappointed and he’s there feeling inadequate. You start crying and he kills himself. Is that what you want? No.

So here’s what you can do. First, keep your vibrator for special occasions. Don’t bust it out three times a day when you’re single. Use your fingers instead for the majority of masturbation sessions. Break out the wonder stick on your birthday as a special treat. That’ll keep your clit used to a more human-touch based orgasm. Which men will appreciate when they go downstairs on you.

Don’t get me wrong – I see the temptation. They’re always coming out with newer and more intricate sex toys for women. Multi-mode vibrators that pleasure the inside of your pussy, your G-Spot, your taint, and your clit all at once. But if you become hooked, any dude you date after that will be left in the mire. And your vibrator can’t snuggle with you on those cold winter nights, girls.

I myself dated a woman with this problem for a while. At first she tried her best to fake her orgasms with me when I’d give her cunnilingus or digital manipulation. Unfortunately for her, I’ve given many mind-blowing orgasms to many women over the years, so I can spot a fake a mile away. We talked about it, and we decided to see if using a vibrator during our sex together would help.

It did give her the orgasms she was missing when it was just me, but I realized that if me and my appendages weren’t enough, then the relationship had to end.

She cried but understood.

1. Gertrude’s Wonder Stick makes her cry with pleasure.

2. Rechargeable Wonder Sticks save the landfill!

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Masturbation

Vibrator

The reason? Because most scientists agree that there is no viable sperm in the pre-cum that comes out before ejaculation. The problem is that if the man had an ejaculation earlier that day, then some of that sperm can get trapped in the pre-cum of the following sexual episode, and that can get the woman pregnant. The solution? Take a piss or two before having the next round of sex. The piss flushes out all the sperm from the previous ejaculation.

Unfortunately they recently did a study and some scientists did find semen in the pre-cum, so there you go. I’m not sure who to believe, and I just don’t have the energy to do any more research. Do it yourself, you lazy bastard. Basically that’s the whole issue: is there sperm in the pre-cum? If not, fuck away and squirt your cum on her tits or ass. If it does, well, withdrawal is kind of dangerous.

Withdrawal doesn’t do shit to protect you from sexually transmitted infections. So, unless you’ve both been to the clinic recently, wrap it up with a condom. If you’ve both been to the doctor and got a clean bill of health, feel free to try withdrawal.

It’s definitely the best method, if you can get it to work for you. Let’s face it: condoms suck. They lessen the sensation and interrupt the flow when you have to stop to put one on. Sex is all about the feeling of a pussy on your dick, so a condom just fucks that up to begin with. Then there’s the pill. It’s great for the guy during sex, but the extra hormones that it puts into your lady can make her into a crazier bitch than normal. True, it sometimes also makes her tits a little bigger, but increased bitchiness is not worth it.

If not used correctly, the withdrawal method is about 75% effective. So it’s still better than nothing. Plus, shooting your cum all over a hot woman is always a treat. There are certain positions that you should use when you employ the withdrawal method. Doggy style and missionary position are good because the man is in control, and can easily pull out. Any position where the woman is on top is dangerous, because you might not be able to tell her in time for her to jump off. Make sure you’re in control at the end, cowboy.

There are no side effects to the withdrawal method, except your lady will end up with a very salty back.

1. Barry made sure to always practice the withdrawal method with his wife so that she never got pregnant. He wasn’t so careful with their babysitter. In his defense, the babysitter is eighteen, and squirting inside her must have been heaven.

2. Mr. and Mrs. Hitler should have used the withdrawal method so we didn’t end up with Adolph.

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Coitus Interruptus

Condom 

Whale Tails are everywhere thanks to the popularity of low-rise and hip-hugger pants. These are trousers that ladies wear which ride very low on the hips. This is to get sexual attraction from men, who typically like a woman’s ass to be shown off in her pants. When said woman bends over or sits down, the pants ride even lower, and the underwear forms what looks like a whale’s tail. You often get to see whatever tramp stamp said woman has tattooed on her ass or lower back at such times as well.

Whale Tail was the “most creative word” of the year in 2006, according to the American Dialect Society. It narrowly beat out Muffin Top that year. Muffin Tops are when girls with fat stomachs wear tight jeans and short tops so that the fat bulges out, resembling a muffin top. If you have such a body, ladies, for god’s sake – hit the gym.

Whale Tails were popularized when celebrity skanks like Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, and Mariah Carey wore pants which showed off their underwear and were photographed by the press. It is a trend which I fully support because it lets us guys see what kind of underwear a woman is wearing. If they’re fancy or skimpy, it makes us go crazy. Shit, even if they’re granny panties, it’s still kind of hot.

Some law makers don’t like the Whale Tail, and see them as vulgar. That’s why they keep trying to pass the “Baggy Pants” bill in congress. This would make it illegal to show off your underwear or skin below your pants. It was defeated, but then replaced with the “Droopy Drawers” bill. That one passed. In addition most schools ban any pants where the underwear or buttocks is visible. This is just old people trying to keep adolescents from getting all sexually excited. Like they can ever stop that.

This type of fashion is known as “stripper chic”, or the “slut look”. I fully endorse all trends that show off young women’s bodies more and more. Pretty soon all women will wear to the mall will be a couple pasties and a butt plug. And on that day, they’d better stock the men’s room toilet paper, because there’s gonna be a lot of masturbating done.

The whale tail is also the name of the spoiler on the back of the old Porsches. And nothing gets a girl’s pants off quicker than if she sees you driving a Porsche. So it’s all connected.

1. Gary made sure to sit behind the hottest girl in the university the day she wore her low-riders. Her hour-long whale tail made him cum three times during the lecture.

2. Victoria’s whale tail shows off her tattoo of a whale.

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Arousal

Buttocks

I love getting fucked by a woman in reverse cowgirl position. Especially if she goes on her feet, rather than on her knees. You get to see her ass bouncing and rippling every time she hits bottom, and you can thumb her asshole while she’s riding you. Plus, you can make funny faces at her and she’s none the wiser. I like to have some porn going on in another room, and through the use of strategically placed mirrors, watch it while she’s riding me.

Now, when she’s just at the top of one of her pumps, she pauses. The tip of my cock is still inside her pussy and she hovers there, waiting. Then comes the piss. It floods down my cock, runs in between my legs, and covers me in urine. At first it’s fantastic because it’s nice and warm. You have to finish and cum quickly after the piss is out. Once it gets cold, it gets uncomfortable.

I recommend trying this maneuver in the shower, or on rubber sheets. You may feel embarrassed going into a store and asking for rubber sheets, but just tell the clerk they’re for your kid who still wets their bed. The Wet Umbrella is for people who are into urolagnia. That’s sexual excitement associated with the sight or thought of urine. It’s also known as golden shower, piss play, or water sports. If you want to let people know you’re into piss play, a yellow handkerchief hanging out of your pants pocket is the signal.

Do not attempt the Wet Umbrella with someone you know has eaten a great deal of asparagus that day. It will make their pee and your sheets smell terrible. Conversely, if they’ve eaten a lot of pineapple, let them soak you!

I was with a woman who gave me the Wet Umbrella just as she was cumming. I wasn’t sure if she was shuddering and shivering because of her orgasm, or because of post-micturation convulsion syndrome. You know – the piss shivers. That feeling of a shiver running down your spine after a good piss. Either way, she was having a good time. Did you know that scientists still don’t know what causes the piss shivers?

What the fuck do we pay our taxes for, anyway? Get to work, scientists!

1. Betty had had ten too many beers at the company Christmas party, which explains why she took Rick home to fuck. She lost control of her bladder while she was on top and gave Rick an accidental Wet Umbrella. Rick fell in love instantly.

2. When Russian cosmonaut Helga tried to give her comrade cosmonaut Peter the Wet Umbrella up in the Space Station, the urine got everywhere, because of the zero-gravity.

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Golden Shower 

Urolagnia