A vasectomy is a surgical procedure in which a man’s vas deferens (those little tubey things that allow the sperm to travel) are severed and tied off to prevent sperm from entering the seminal stream. In other words, having a vasectomy is sterilization. Once you get one, you can fuck all the ladies you want to without worrying about getting them pregnant. Well, except for the first little while. You need to be careful until you can get a sperm count test done a couple of months after the procedure. There may be a few live ones left in there, and if so, there’s still the possibility of impregnating your girlfriend or your girlfriend’s mom (awkward).
Vasectomies have been known to reverse themselves. There are lots of families that have that ‘vasectomy kid’, the youngest, who was never supposed to get conceived. And then it happens and some call that kid the miracle child and some call him/her the extreme accident. Mommy and daddy never wanted you. That totally happened to this girl in my elementary school. Her dad had a vasectomy after her siblings were born and a few months later Kim was conceived. She’d joke about not being wanted, but sometimes I’d catch her eating Oreos and crying in her cubbyhole. Or maybe that’s because everyone called her Ham Face and one day Jarret tried to put two pieces of bread slathered with mayonnaise and mustered over her face and the back of her head to form a sandwich.
Vasectomies are handy, but some dudes don’t want to get them because they like feeling like their junk is one hundred percent manly. That’s a dangerous way to look at your junk. What if you end up with prostate cancer and you have to have one (or both) of your balls removed? This is the problem with our mainstream media. There are too many expectations on what it means to ‘be a man’. Masculinity and femininity are constructs, people. Don’t let them tell you that sex and gender is the same thing. Don’t let them tell you that in order to be a man your spermies need to be good little swimmers.
1. Doug was getting a vasectomy at eighteen, he firmly decided. That way he’d never have to worry. There was no way he was going to get into a situation where he had to help take care of some chick’s baby.
2. Before you get a vasectomy, just remember that someday down the road you might want to make a mini you. Consider your options. There might be a time where you want someone to spoon feed you your chocolate pudding, change your piss-filled diaper or help you out of bed so you can make it to the living room to watch M.A.S.H reruns. Don’t underestimate what kids could do for you in your old age. You could end up with the next Bill Gates and not have to worry about working through your sad retirement. Think about it.
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