The Valsalva Maneuver is an exercise that can be performed in a variety of ways for numerous purposes. Named after 17th Century physician and botanist Antonia Maria Valsalva, in the medical world The Valsalva Maneuver involves forcefully trying to exhale through a closed airway, often performed by closing your mouth tightly and pinching your nostrils together while trying to breathe out deeply from your belly. This can be done to clear the sinuses and airways, particularly after a high-altitude flight, or it can be used in an attempt to empty the bladder or bowels more thoroughly while sitting on the toilet.
In the world of pornography and sexual fetishes, however, the valsalva has an entirely different purpose. Of course, the traditional use of the technique to empty one’s bowels and bladder still applies, but this is usually done while squatting over the open mouth of a hot blonde, rather than a toilet bowl. The Valsalva technique has been used to induce golden showers and Cleveland Steamers since before Antonia Maria first tried to take a dump in the outhouse when she was constipated (a theory as to how she discovered this technique in the first place). If done correctly, the Valsalva Maneuver has also been known to cure premature ejaculation in men, low libido in women, bronchitis, erectile dysfunction, blindness, and even gonorrhea symptoms. In southern India, people perform the Valsalva Maneuver to realign the Chakras, and in Austria people perform the maneuver to help them digest a particularly large meal. Austrian women also use the maneuver to help them digest a particularly large load of semen, if they happen to be swallowers.
However, there are a few cautionary notes that are needed before people try to perform this maneuver on their own. First of all, performing the valsalva maneuver will without a doubt turn even the smallest of hemorrhoids into a giant mole hill. It should also be noted that if you ever try to perform the Valsalva Maneuver in order to give your partner a healthy blast of golden urine, there’s a really good chance that you’ll end up giving them the “Minnesota Mud Flap,” which is a variation on the Cleveland Steamer, only a lot messier and harder to clean up. Similarly, if you’re ever trying to cure yourself of a little premature ejaculation problem, do NOT perform this maneuver while you’re actually getting a blowjob. Not only will you still cum instantly, but you’ll also fart louder than you’ve ever farted before and give her a nasty mouthful of Scooby snacks. Of course, if she’s Brazilian, she might be into that, so go ahead.
1. I once tried to perform the Valsalva Maneuver while straddling my husband’s chest because he told me he was into golden showers. Unfortunately for him, he got a mud bath instead.
2. Don’t ever try to perform the Valsalva Maneuver while riding a Unicycle. There’s a high probability that you’ll end up in the ER with a tiny bicycle stuck up your ass.
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