This game will guarantee to keep you snorting pop through your nose due to hysterical laughter. It will also make that boring prairie scenery just a little more lively. Combine this game with occasional Savage Love pod casts and you’re set for your trip.

The only downside is if you have kids. Young children are like sponges and they just love to repeat just about anything their parents say, especially when it brings out a particular response. Your child is much more likely to say cock or pussy or cunt nugget if that is your general response to someone cutting you off on the highway. So just be aware that your kid is likely to start inserting vagina into just about every sentence if you play this game around them. Consider waiting until they’re asleep or perhaps slip a little vodka into their bottle. This will knock them right out.

Another downside is when you’re traveling with your in-laws. No matter what anyone says or how cool your in-laws actually are, they do NOT want to play the vagina game with you. Even if your father-in-law is a hippie and your mother-in-law teaches women and gender studies and is all sex-positive. This will only make the car ride seem much longer than it is and will fill it with long awkward silences.

Really, this game is best shared amongst close perverted friends or simply between you and your lover. The nice thing about it is that sometimes it can be the jumping off point for a little road trip car sex.

1. I love The Vagina Game. Mostly I love fingering my vagina while we play the game. Sometimes my boyfriend fingers me while he comes up with popular movie choices.

2. I accidentally played The Vagina Game with some friends while we were stuck in traffic. My three-year-old daughter was asleep in the back seat, or so I thought. Turns out she heard every word she said. Now her favourite thing to say to everyone, including the guy who bags our groceries, my boss, the other kids at daycare, the woman who stopped to admire her adorableness, my dentist, her grandparents (my in-laws), the minister at Christ Church, and puppies, is ‘My mummy just LOVES The Hunt for Red Vagina. She thinks it’s the best movie ever!’

RELATED TERMS:

Cooch

Vagina 

If used properly, the calendar-based contraceptive methods are somewhat dependable, with typical failure rates at around 25%. That’s a one-in-four chance that you’re going to end up with a baby. However, if you believe that the man in the sky will punish you for putting a rubber on, I guess it’s the best system you’ve got. The problem is that every woman’s cycle is different, and their cycle can change from month to month. So you might believe that you’re fucking her during an infertile time in her cycle, but be wrong because her cycle has shifted a few days here or there.

You don’t get those sorts of problems with rubbers.

The first kind of Vatican Roulette was known as the Rhythm Method, which had a simple math-based system to show women when they were fertile and infertile. It was replaced by a more effective system called the Standard Days Method. There are also apps for phones and computers that can help a woman figure out when she’s fertile. This is great for women on the go, and sluts.

1. Bert was upset that his wife Betty made him wait until they were married to put out, but he was willing to marry her to get at her virgin honey pot and huge, perky, real tits. On their honeymoon, Betty told him that as a strict Catholic she didn’t believe in contraception. She told him that she had been tracking her fertility, and that she wasn’t in her baby-making part of her cycle. Bert fucked her for hours, spraying cum load after cum load into her tight, unspoiled pussy. Unfortunately, playing Vatican Roulette backfired, and nine months later Betty had quadruplets. Bert wasn’t sure he could support one child on his salary at the Burger King, but four kids was going to be impossible. He decided to run off with the cute nineteen year old that was in charge of the drive-thru. Betty and the kids ended up on the streets. The moral of the story is that love is alive and well in the food-prep area of your local Burger King.

2. The Pope and all the priests don’t have to play Vatican Roulette when they sexually abuse alter boys because alter boys can’t have babies. The lawsuits are a bitch, but they’re not as bad as an unwanted child.

RELATED TERMS:

Condom

Withdrawal

Now, if you’ve ever seen a woman with vaginitis you know what I’m talking about. This isn’t just the average yeast infection, or a particularly raunchy crimson tide. We’re talking about women who have such terrible diseases that it looks like someone mutilated their vagina with a weed-wacker. And if you’re starting to wonder if these diseases are contagious, I’m here to tell you they are. In fact, most vaginitis can be spread simply by looking at the woman. So, if you end up thinking you can score yourself a quick and easy handjbber or blowjob, think again. Unless you want your penis looking like a spider dog nuked in the microwave, you’d best steer clear from any suspected disease bags.

1. One time I picked up a girl at the bar, got her naked, and thought I had accidentally picked up a tranny. Turns out she just had a nasty case of vaginitis and her inflamed clitoris looked like a penis.

2. No condom will ever protect you from Vaginitis. It’s the number one killer of all erections.

RELATED TERMS:

HIV/AIDS 

STD

In the world of pornography and sexual fetishes, however, the valsalva has an entirely different purpose. Of course, the traditional use of the technique to empty one’s bowels and bladder still applies, but this is usually done while squatting over the open mouth of a hot blonde, rather than a toilet bowl. The Valsalva technique has been used to induce golden showers and Cleveland Steamers since before Antonia Maria first tried to take a dump in the outhouse when she was constipated (a theory as to how she discovered this technique in the first place). If done correctly, the Valsalva Maneuver has also been known to cure premature ejaculation in men, low libido in women, bronchitis, erectile dysfunction, blindness, and even gonorrhea symptoms. In southern India, people perform the Valsalva Maneuver to realign the Chakras, and in Austria people perform the maneuver to help them digest a particularly large meal. Austrian women also use the maneuver to help them digest a particularly large load of semen, if they happen to be swallowers.

However, there are a few cautionary notes that are needed before people try to perform this maneuver on their own. First of all, performing the valsalva maneuver will without a doubt turn even the smallest of hemorrhoids into a giant mole hill. It should also be noted that if you ever try to perform the Valsalva Maneuver in order to give your partner a healthy blast of golden urine, there’s a really good chance that you’ll end up giving them the “Minnesota Mud Flap,” which is a variation on the Cleveland Steamer, only a lot messier and harder to clean up. Similarly, if you’re ever trying to cure yourself of a little premature ejaculation problem, do NOT perform this maneuver while you’re actually getting a blowjob. Not only will you still cum instantly, but you’ll also fart louder than you’ve ever farted before and give her a nasty mouthful of Scooby snacks. Of course, if she’s Brazilian, she might be into that, so go ahead.

1. I once tried to perform the Valsalva Maneuver while straddling my husband’s chest because he told me he was into golden showers. Unfortunately for him, he got a mud bath instead.

2. Don’t ever try to perform the Valsalva Maneuver while riding a Unicycle. There’s a high probability that you’ll end up in the ER with a tiny bicycle stuck up your ass.

RELATED TERMS:

Cleveland Steamer

Golden Shower

I’m not sure why anyone would ever turn down a sweet pussy. Even if a guy is into cock, he should still enjoy the beautiful pleasures that come with a tight, wet, hot pussy. In fact, most girls love gay guys because they’re so neat and usually in good shape. Throw them a bone, would you guys? You don’t have to marry them. Just fuck them. If you like plowing asshole, trust me – you’ll love pumping poontang. All the pleasure, much less shit.

Anyway, the vagina decliners are becoming more and more proud to express their homosexuality these days. This is good. Through gay pride, homosexual men are no longer ashamed to be who they are. Don’t get me wrong – there is still a lot of homophobia out there in the world today. But the same people that hate on gay guys still watch lots of lesbian porn. The irony is thick. Not as thick as my penis, but close.

It’s always sad when a girl falls for a gay guy. Similarly, it was really unfortunate when I had a crush on a lesbian woman. We were both working as nude models at a sculpting class for an art college. I was fired after a few classes because the male students complained that they needed so much extra clay because my cock was so big. The costs to buy all that extra clay was financially tough for them, so the professor had to let me go. The girl students all protested, but to no avail.

Anyway, my last class there was a double-subject assignment. It was me and this stunning red-headed nude model named Helen. She had a perfect body – toned, skinny, with big, real tits. Her tiny ass had that perfect curve to it. You could calibrate machinery with the curve on her butt. Spectacular. Anyway, we asked the prof what position he wanted us in, and he told us a sexual embrace.

I gave him fifty bucks before class to choose “sexual embrace” for our position.

I laid down on my back, and Helen sat on me in cowgirl position. She took one of my hands and put it on her left tit. Then she arched her back. We held that position for the next hour. I had three tantric orgasms during that hour. No ejaculation, but 3 orgasms. Good times. Suffice to say, afterwards I wanted to get Helen’s number. As we got dressed, she explained that she was a lesbian, but was flattered by my interest.

I was devastated, but knew there was nothing I could do about it. A vagina decliner, just like a dick denier has made their choice.

So, I ended up having a threesome with two of the hottest girl students in the class instead.

1. Michael Jackson was a Vagina Decliner.

2. Warren Beatty is not a Vagina Decliner.

RELATED TERMS:

Gay

Lesbian

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Much like a subway sandwich, veggie porn is porn containing no meat. Strictly lesbo-licious, this kind of porn omits the dick, leaving only the lady parts involved – in the flesh, that is. Use of plastic, silicone, and cucumbers as wangs are usually part of it. We sometimes refer to those apparatuses as the “tofu” or “veggie patty” of porn – that which is fake, yet still does the trick for those involved. Oh, and since you asked, a cucumber is scientifically classified as a fruit.

With the lack of the male member, veggie porn can be tame at times. You won’t find any hard poundings and thrusting. At times, lower-than-normal voices are audible due to the potentially high levels of female testosterone. “A little lower, baby”, but not quite Barry White.

V8 veggie porn is an interesting spin on lesbonic porn. It contains eight or more lesbonos that partake in a medley of fresh positions and maneuvers. The erotic mixture of flavors and spices make this a great combo with a couple shots of vodka and a stalk of celery at the end. *V8 fusion porn to come soon, with more of a fruity aftertaste.

It is commonly known that veggie porn has a wider range of attractive porn chicks involved. It is unclear at this time why this is, although there is speculation that the lower-than-average attractiveness of male porn stars is driving more attractive ladies to the veggie porn side of things. With more and more dudes showing heinous tattoos on their tramp-stamp mark, and general dufus-ness in their face, women are seeking out the hotness of each other rather than men.

It is appropriate that veggie porn has no “seed”. Vegetables, by nature, produce seeds yet it is uncommon that the seeds are eaten. What is eaten is the leaves, stems, or roots. On a woman this means that the munchable area includes the labia, clitoris, and beyond. And no reproduction is possible without the use of seed. Ah, nature!

Veggie porn has a vast collection of clever and memorable titles. “Debbie Does Salad”, “Dude, Where’s My Carrot?”, and “Vegetesbian III”. Chicks starring in veggie porn flicks need not be strict lesbos. In most cases they are bisexual, asexual, or unisexual and, like most of us, need to make a living.

There are many veggie porn recipes to choose from. Scenarios can take place in women’s locker rooms, wedding halls, and especially the pool-side venue. Plots are centered around teen angst issues, evil men and their dicks, and being bad to the point of necessary discipline. Bondage comes into play rarely but nipple-less leather bras are a hit amongst veggie-lovers.

Veggie-lovers need not stick to specialty pizza deals. There is a plethora of veggie porn available for purchase or download on almost all respectable porn sites and in porn shops. Simply request the meatless option next time you’re at the counter and you’ll be sure to find something vegetarian, healthy, and made from beans. Like hummus!

1. Tonight I’m ordering a veggie-lovers pizza to go with my veggie porn!

2. As a bi-curious female in university, Sally watched her share of veggie porn.

RELATED TERMS:

Lesbian

Lipstick Lesbian

Okay, but yeah, it may not be first date bodily material or what you want to have happen during a one-night stand (even when you’re sure you’ll never see this dude or dyke again, and you don’t even know their name), but sometimes it does happen. Sometimes shit happens, but hopefully that’s less often (aka: never…unless you’re into scat, but that’s a whole other issue). So you varted. How do you deal with it. You grin. You continue looking sexy (how could you not?). You say, wow, my vag REALLY enjoyed your cock/fist/dildo/strap-on. We should definitely do this again sometime soon. You should run your tongue along your lips and without saying a word, start licking whatever cum is left on this dick, OR if he’s still hard (or hasn’t orgasmed yet) start blowing him. Or lick your pussy juice off that strap-on/dildo/fist. Whoever you’re with is going to see you as hot, confident, sexually open and ultimately incredibly sexy.

Mildly to hugely embarrassing things happen during sex all the time. You can have regular farts, not just varts. Some are known to gag hard-core when giving blowjobs and actually throwing up a little inside their mouths (or even throwing up on the dude’s cock…this happened to a friend of mine. Let this be a strict lesson: swamp water slurpees and oral sex DON’T mix, people).

1. Donny pulled out of Elizabeth and just as he was about to start licking her pussy, some strange suctioning noises erupted. He wrinkled his nose. Donny had been under the impression that Elizabeth was a polite girl. After all, she had been helping her father with his presidential campaign for weeks and continued to echo his efforts. But now here she was….varting…right in front of him! He grinned. Maybe he could get it in her ass and see if any santorum leaked out.

2. Varting is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s the direct result of getting a mad pounding from someone who’s super into you. Don’t ever let anyone tell you you’re nasty. If they don’t like the reactions your body makes, they need to pull the stick out of their ass and get a cock in there instead, pronto.

RELATED TERMS:

Pussy

Queef

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The Vagina is the tubular tract leading from the uterus to the exterior of the female body. People often use the word vagina when they actually mean to say ‘vulva’, meaning the external genital organs (the small lips, large lips, clitoris, etc). You can say ‘he/she fucked my vagina good’ and that would imply vaginal penetration, but you can’t really say ‘my vagina is so hairy’, because really, you’re talking about your vulva. And more specifically, your bush.

Vaginas are awesome. They stretch to encourage the heads of infants to pass through. They spit out babies. They experience pleasure (see: g-spot). They shed eggs every month in anticipation of possibility. They can take all kinds of dicks and cocks and vibrators and dildos and fingers and vegetables. They’re expressive. They get angry when mistreated (read: The Angry Vagina by Eve Ensler). They’re the forums for some of the best and worst experiences. Our western society (and many other societies as well) has a history of abusing vaginas with sexist, misogynistic, homophobic and violent behavior. The hope is that this lovely little tract in every woman can have a little more freedom, love and respect and a little less hostility and fear from people.

People have all kinds of ridiculous notions of vaginas. That they’re delicate, like orchids, or creepy like slugs. That they’re dirty, disgusting, immoral (you know, because a body part can have morality or a lack of morality) and something to be ashamed of. Vaginas are personified, just like dicks are, but history and religious and political leaders have not been kind to Vaginas. When they bleed, people freak out and act like the tissue lining is a sign of murder.

If you’re into women, you better be into Vaginas. You better be prepared to get into how they smell and how they taste when you stick your tongue up there and how they feel when you shove fingers or your dick inside. You better figure out how to respect a woman’s pussy. And women need to figure that out too. Some women are afraid to finger themselves, to shove dildos and vibrators inside their vaginas for their own pleasure. Some refuse to shove a mirror between their legs and examine their twat and explore their vagina. Many refuse to believe that g-spots and g-spot orgasms and female ejaculation exists, that women can produce more ‘jizz’ than men when they tap into that spot.

1. She shoved her whole fist inside my vagina and I exploded. How does she always know just what my hole needs?

2. I love my vagina. My cunt. My hole. I finger myself whenever I get the chance. I’ve shoved a variety of toys, fruits, veggies and inanimate objects up there and when there’s something in my twat, I feel content. I feel happy. I feel alive. I use to obsess over my clit, but now I’m all about the ridge in my pussy, the g-spot and those glorious ejaculations that turn me into a fountain of pussy juice. It’s never too late to discover your cunt. Jesus wants you to.

RELATED TERMS:

Cunt

Vulva

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A vaginal orgasm is just what it sounds – a female orgasm achieved by vaginal intercourse. But let’s not cling to the limited definition of vaginal intercourse (PIV: Penis-in-Vagina) that so many people think of. Let’s call it penetrative vaginal sex. Intercourse seems to imply that there’s a penis involved, and there certainly doesn’t have to be when it comes to vaginal orgasms.

There’s some controversy when it comes to female orgasms. There’s been agreement that women have sexual experiences that cannot be pinned down by science necessarily. We have some women who can come through penetration alone, though most women need some kind of clitoral stimulation. Some women ejaculate and gush when they come. Many are accessing their g-spot and many believe the g-spot is a myth and no one has been able to scientifically prove or disprove either theory.

Whether or not everyone can come vaginally, an orgasm is an orgasm. Some are awesome, some are alright, some are hardly there but you’ll take them anyway. Any orgasm is a good one, really. And whether you need a dick or a vibe or a fist or a zucchini in your vag, it doesn’t really matter. The important thing is to find out what works for you and start doing it. Too many women don’t play with themselves enough and don’t spend enough time getting to know their bodies and what gives them pleasure. You can’t depend on dick (or twat or fingers or…) alone. If you haven’t had an orgasm, it’s time. All those people who say they don’t find masturbation that interesting just haven’t figured out how to rub one out yet. I’m assuming that anyone who’s made it this far to read this definition probably has some idea of what turns them on, but if you’re new to all this, get your fingers on your clit and a vibe in your pussy pronto. Once you start coming, you’ll be able to help teach your partner how to get you off. Life will be a lot more fulfilling, believe you me.

1. Shelly just wanted a vaginal orgasm. Even though her boyfriend made her come with his tongue all the time, she wanted that internal shudder and quake she’d heard her girlfriends talking about. She wondered if they were lying about their g-spot orgasms. She wondered why intercourse felt so pointless at times.

2. Roberta thought vibrators were icky until her girlfriend pulled one out of her purse while they kissed in her parent’s van. Lie down and spread your legs. Her girlfriend said, and Roberta obeyed, shocked that she would let this woman penetrate her with an object. And yet, when the vibrator slid deep into Roberta’s pussy, her eyes bulged as the pleasure in her pussy flooded through her body. She rocked her hips up and down and blasted her come until it trickled down her thighs. Again. She moaned. You’d liked that vaginal orgasm, didn’t you? Her girlfriend smirked. I knew I’d tap into your slutty side.

RELATED TERMS:

Orgasm

Vagina

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Vaginismus is a condition in which the vaginal muscles contract to the point of making penetration difficult or impossible. This is the result of involuntary contractions of the pelvic floor muscles surrounding the vagina. The woman doesn’t have control over this, it is an involuntary pelvic response. For some women this means that intercourse is painful and results in a burning or stinging sensation. For other women, intercourse is very difficult or next to impossible.

There are two types of vaginismus. The first is known as ‘primary vaginismus’, and this is when a woman has never been able to have pain-free intercourse do to the muscle spasms. She may be unable to wear tampons or have pelvic (pap) exams. Some are even unable to consummate their relationship. The other type of vaginismus is known as ‘secondary vaginismus’. This is when the condition develops after a particular experience, often some type of medical condition, traumatic event, childbirth, surgery or life change (menopause, for example).

Vaginismus is considered to be highly treatable. There are self-help approaches based on research, which include 10-step processes that are practical and hands-on, so to speak. Women who experience this condition shouldn’t feel hopeless.

Having said that, it’s rough. Not being able to get a cock or a vibrator or a fist or a friggin TAMPON inside you. It’s rough on your sex life, rough on your self-esteem/self-confidence, rough on your relationship with your partner (if you’re in one), rough on your relationship with yourself and kinda gives you an unfortunate outlook on sexual experience. And it can be physically problematic. If a woman knows she’s going to experience great pain if she has a pelvic exam, she may be considerably less likely to have that exam. This can open up all kinds of possibilities for cancers (we all know that early detection is eighty percent of the battle) undetected STIs and other health concerns.

While in this day and age, the internet provides us with multiple resources as we self-diagnose, including articles, research, access to experts and even support, this may be an issue that some women will be too self-conscious or anxious to deal with. So if you’re reading this and have experienced pain during intercourse, find a good sex-positive doctor to talk to.

1. When I had vaginismus it made everything from sex to using tampons to getting pap smears next to impossible. But I joined the Vampires for Vaginismus league and now I’ve found other ways to increase my sexual appetite that don’t rely on vaginal penetration, including such practices as biting, drinking blood and developing blood-related fantasies while enclosed in my coffin. Give it a try, your sex life could improve overnight!

2. Okay, so yeah vaginismus can technically affect all kinds of women, but in reality, it only affects hard-up douche-canoes like Sarah Palin who cling to their republican status to detract the fact that they can’t get a dick or a dildo inside their pussies when they really need one.

RELATED TERMS:

Fuck

Pussy