Umlauts is a slang term used for breasts, or more specifically the nipples, because of its German origin for the two dots they use to punctuate above a vowel. Umlauts are just another clever, exciting way to compliment a woman on her fun bags, because chances are she’s never heard the word before in her life.
Saying things like, “Hey man, your umlauts are showing…” or “Excuse me, Miss, but would you like some help carrying your umlauts upstairs” when you see a woman with too many grocery bags in her arms as she struggles to find her apartment keys. Naturally, she’ll assume you meant her groceries, think you’re a total gentleman, and maybe even give you a hummer after serving you some cold ice tea for being so nice to her (at least that’s how it always goes on orgasm.com, anyway).
Unfortunately for me, I once made the mistake of using the Umlauts on a woman in the subway. I politely asked her if she’d mind showing me where she puts her Umlauts, and before I knew it she was charging me 50 dollars an hour for private grammar lessons in German. How was I supposed to know she was a German Linguist from the local University?
1. There’s nothing better than that first time you ever felt a girl’s warm, juicy Umlauts while you were making out in the high school locker room.
2. One time, I asked to see a girl’s Umlauts and she stared at me stone-faced, and replied, “You mean my tits?” Lucky for me, she was a total slut. She showed me a lot more than her Umlauts that day.
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