In Canada, an uptown girl has two meanings. One, it can refer to a girl who is similar to an x-legged woman, only she’ll allow you to make out with her, play with and suck on her gorgeous little tits, but she won’t let you go anywhere south of her breasts. No matter how hard you try, you’ll be left playing with her fun bags all night long, to the point where you get so bored you start to fantasize about her Mother while you’re biting her nipples, just so you can stay hard.

In America, an uptown girl is one of those rich, snobby bitches who like to go slumming with poor construction workers and tradesmen. They’ll walk into a blue-collar pub with their nose stuck in the air and their Prada purse clutched protectively under their arm, and ask the bartender for directions to the nearest shopping mall. Every guy in there ignores her, because they assume as always that she’s way out of their league. But, before you know it, some lucky bastard is in the back of her Daddy’s Lexus getting blown by a girl who will some day own that shitty company he currently works for. The best thing about American uptown girls is that they love sucking cock, and they’re extremely domineering and bossy in bed, like the rest of their life.

In Germany, an uptown girl is a hooker who looks like a gorgeous woman, but actually has a gigantic, hairy cock inside her thong, while in Brazil, an uptown girl is a woman who only shaves her arm pits and moustache, but never ventures below her waist with a razor in her entire life.

In Sweden, an uptown girl is a woman who NEVER asks a man to wear a condom, even though she refuses to take the pill. The term comes from the fact that she prefers abortion clinics as her method of birth control, and can frequently be seen heading up town to the sketchy looking clinic behind the bowling alley where all the Christians throw eggs and protest on weekday mornings when normal, productive members of society are at work.

Finally, in Japan and South Korea, an uptown girl is a woman who lets you fuck her anally, try out every single fucked up fetish you could ever think of, including ball stomping and squid fetishes, yet for some reason they will never, ever, go downtown. No matter how kinky things get, the one thing that girl won’t do is give you a blowjob.

1. Whenever I was in high school I always dated uptown girls. It took me years to realize that every high school girl is an uptown girl, because if they aren’t, then they’re just known as a slut.

2. When I took a summer vacation in Sweden, I slept with so many uptown girls that I ended up going to the clinic with her to get a refill on my Herpes cream.

RELATED TERMS:

Frigid 

X-legged

Saying things like, “Hey man, your umlauts are showing…” or “Excuse me, Miss, but would you like some help carrying your umlauts upstairs” when you see a woman with too many grocery bags in her arms as she struggles to find her apartment keys. Naturally, she’ll assume you meant her groceries, think you’re a total gentleman, and maybe even give you a hummer after serving you some cold ice tea for being so nice to her (at least that’s how it always goes on orgasm.com, anyway).

Unfortunately for me, I once made the mistake of using the Umlauts on a woman in the subway. I politely asked her if she’d mind showing me where she puts her Umlauts, and before I knew it she was charging me 50 dollars an hour for private grammar lessons in German. How was I supposed to know she was a German Linguist from the local University?

1. There’s nothing better than that first time you ever felt a girl’s warm, juicy Umlauts while you were making out in the high school locker room.

2. One time, I asked to see a girl’s Umlauts and she stared at me stone-faced, and replied, “You mean my tits?” Lucky for me, she was a total slut. She showed me a lot more than her Umlauts that day.

RELATED TERMS:

Fun Bags

Tits

UFO is the type of orgasm that makes you start to question the existence of God when you’ve been an atheist your entire life. It’s the kind of mind-blowing orgasm that forces you to throw out your brand new mattress, even if there was a protective, plastic cover on top while you were fucking. It usually produces the kind of ejaculation, both male and female, that could drown a Clydesdale horse while it was standing up, or make Sasha Grey actually quit the porno industry and start looking for another career.

UFO’s are almost as rare as Aliens, but the only difference is that they almost never happen in Texas. For women and men alike, they almost never happen from straight up vaginal penetration. For women, it only happens when a surprisingly skilled man sucks on her clitoris like it’s a miniature spoonful of heroine and they haven’t scored in days. Usually, after 45 minutes of mucking her out, the woman finally explodes, pushing his face back with her fire-hose of a squirt and ripping two giant chunks of hair out of his scalp. For some strange reason, when women tend to have a UFO experience, they usually end up a sobbing mess at the end, hugging you and crying all over the place about how much they love you, even if you were a one night stand and didn’t even know each other’s names. In fact, as a rule of thumb, the more the woman cries after sex, the better you are as a man in bed. Unless, of course, you’re a selfish lover who only likes to fuck doggie style with the lights off. Then, she’s crying for a completely different reason.

For men, a UFO comes about much quicker and usually involves the best deep throat blowjob of his life from a woman who could swallow an Anaconda without even drooling on it. That woman will devour his cock like a honey badger deep throating a Cobra, until he finally grabs onto her pig tails, screams like a pre-pubescent gamer losing at Star Craft, and holds her head down until he pops. Then, his entire body melts into the chair and he’s completely unconscious before she can even begin to spit or swallow.

1. The last time I had a UFO I slept for an entire week. When I woke up, Leanne was still trying to clean the cum off her face.

2. If you want to have a really good UFO, try to get your girlfriend to give you a blowjob as your looking through her family photo album. Just before you’re about to cum, turn to the hottest picture of her Mother in her Glory Years. Just never let her come up for air to see what you’re looking at. That doesn’t go over well with even the kinkiest of girls.

RELATED TERMS:

Climax 

Orgasm

U Haul can also be used to describe a large gathering of lesbian women in one place at one time. For example, if you’re at a typically heterosexual nightclub hoping to pick up some chicks, and suddenly an entire room of women come stomping in, then chances are it’s just a U Haul. Either that or you’re about to be filmed on a girls gone wild video.

U Haul is also used to describe an extremely rough type of anal sex, where an obese man kneels behind a petite, anorexic female, and plows her hard and slow from behind in the ass. For that poor little girl, it’s literally like getting hit by a U Haul, only you don’t have to pay for the gas that got you from the bar back to his place.

Sometimes, U Haul can also be used to describe a particularly boxy, awkwardly shaped vagina. It’s the kind of vagina that looks like it has two extra mud flaps hanging on the outside, and some sort of change purse or cinder block stuffed up inside. These types of vagina’s are known to swallow even the most well endowed men whole, hence the term U Haul, since you can practically fit everything into it but the kitchen sink.

In the dating world, if a man says that his date was a total “U Haul,” it’s probably referring to the time it took for him to actually get to home base. Since the U Haul trucks from the moving company are so unbelievably slow, it has become a term used to describe dating situations that take FOREVER to get laid.

In college and University days, I often used U Haul to describe a fleeting, one night stand. Whenever I knew that I was leaving town and moving to a new city, I’d go on a rampage sleeping with all the girls in town who I was secretly attracted to, but knew they were too ugly to bang without ruining my reputation among my drinking buddies. So, for the last few weeks of being in town, I’d bag myself a few U Hauls, ‘something I pick up on the way out of town.’

1. My sister is a total U Haul. I’ve helped her move 15 times in the past two years. The worst part is, she always makes me carry her gigantic box full of dildos and strap-ons. Those things are heavier than the pull-out couch!

2. When Judy went to University to study Women’s Studies, she became a total U Haul. I thought it was because she’s so emotionally needy, but she claims she was just trying to save money on rent and avoid student loans.

RELATED TERMS:

Lesbian

Licentious

This fetish is something that a fair number of people enjoy. This may include urinating on or being urinated on by your sex partner, drinking your partner’s urine or you drinking theirs or perhaps playing games with urine. You may wish to urinate in bed while your partner watches, or perhaps this becomes part of a BDSM game where your partner has you tied up and keeps you tied up while the urge to urinate increases. This could involve engaged humiliation where one partner is infantilized and under the direct order and control of the other person. Really, there’s no limit to what you can do together. There’s bathtub pee play, where you can take a scalding hot bath together and turn the water a nice lemony yellow. You can pee in the shower, on yourself or on each other.

There can also be an exhibitionism component to piss play. This may involve one person being instructed by their sex partner (or partners) to wet themselves in public, in a way where strangers can smell or see the urine. Also, there is a really wicked appropriately-named British expression called ‘Pussing’. According to Wikipedia, Pussing is where the male partner in a consenting couple watches his female partner urinate in a semi-public place, like a toilet cubicle at a pub, hotel, restaurant or movie theatre. The act of sneaking the male partner into the washroom undetected is almost as eroticized as the actual act of urination. (Totally check out Wikipeida’s ‘Notable Urophiliacs’…).

People have this tendency to judge others who are into pee play. In reality, it’s a pretty tame fetish. Pee isn’t bad for you. In fact, some people use urine to help their lawns grow. And don’t underestimate the usefulness that is peeing on someone’s leg after they’ve been stung by a jelly fish. A jelly fish stung me once and, even though we were on a public beach, I suggested to my lover that he whip out his dick and piss on my leg. Anything to take away the burning pain. As it turned out,  he wasn’t particularly willing. Some people have weird hang-ups, especially when it comes to peeing in public. Lame. The hang-ups, I mean.

1. Havelock Ellis was a British sexologist who couldn’t get it up until the age of sixty where he realized that he could get erect when he imagined a woman peeing. He therefore began engaging in Urolangnia and convinced his wife (a prim and proper lady) to pee into his mouth. She did so and her urine mixed with her tears. She later became a nun.

2. Annie Sprinkle, awesome well-known porn actress who became a sex educator and advocator apparently loves the water sports. Her last name was chosen due to her love of pee and pee play.

RELATED TERMS:

Golden Shower

Watersports

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Uteromania is an extremely strong sexual desire in women. It is based on the words “uterus” (meaning cunt), and mania (meaning Hulk Hogan is involved). I have never met any women that suffer from this, goddam it, but the search continues every day for myself and every other man on earth.

It is very similar to nymphomania in that it describes a woman who just needs the cock all the time. There can be many reasons for a woman to have uteromania, including medical disorders. Apparently, people suffering from Alzheimer’s disease and other neurological conditions can be affected by uteromania. No wonder all the old men at my grandma’s nursing home are always smiling and making obscene gestures at me when I go to visit her.

Grandma! You dirty, dirty girl!

Ah, why bother getting mad at her? She’s just going to forget all about it in a minute or two anyway. Just play some cards with her and sneak a couple of her pain pills into your pocket.

If you ever happen to get involved with a uteromaniac, thank your lucky stars and invest in a bulk supply of Viagra. She’s going to need a lot more sex than you’re used to supplying. Those little blue pills are going to become your best friend. Get a crate of Redbulls too. The worst thing you can do if you’re dating a uteromaniac is not provide her with the sex she wants. She’ll find it somewhere else, my friend, and then you’re shit out of luck.

Get yourself a shitload of sex toys and buy a lot of rechargeable batteries. When you can’t do it yourself, at least you’ll have some vibrators and rubber dongs for her to play with until you’re ready again.

I knew a girl in high school who was addicted to sex. I heard that during a ski trip she went on with during our junior year, she fucked every single guy on her bus. She didn’t fuck them on the bus, because the teacher was there. But once they were at the resort, she went to work. I felt bad for the guy that got sloppy thirtieths, but I was talking to him, and he said it was great. She was still a wildcat with him even though she had been pounded by thirty other guys over the previous week.

There is no known cure for uteromania, and thank god for that!

1. Harry was on a terrible streak of bad ex-girlfriends. His most recent, Doris, was extremely frigid. She’d only fuck him once or twice a month, and that was only for his sake. She’d open her legs and bear with it. He dumped her after three months of terrible blue balls and sexual disappointments. Then he met Lisa. Lisa had a bad case of uteromania. Harry was more than happy to try to keep up with her sexual appetites. She only stayed with him for a month, but it was the most glorious month of Harry’s life.

2. My wife does not have uteromania. She has Oreo-mania.

RELATED TERMS:

Nymphomaniac

Slut

For men who experience the pain of being uxoravalent, it can be embarrassing and emasculating. After all, there’s your wife, wanting a little of her hubby’s sausage, and little Mr. Happy refuses to co-operate. Maybe it’s because he’s been in that sloppy pussy for the past twenty years, and he can’t even feel it anymore. Maybe it’s because she left a huge stink in the bathroom before bed, and you had to smell it while you brushed your teeth. Maybe it’s because you just got home from fucking her sister.

Whatever the reason, there are some things you can do about it. First and foremost, there is the little blue wonder drug Viagra. Thanks to Viagra, more men have been giving their wives a good dicking than in any other period in history. Second thing your should do if you suffer from uxoravalence is get your wife into a gym and yoga classes. Get that fat ass of hers tight again, and improve her flexibility so that you can put her heels behind her head like when you first started fucking her in college.

Third thing you can do is try to spice up the sex life you have with your wife by incorporating some kinkiness. Start small, like dressing her up like a cheerleader or something. Work your way up to interracial gangbangs.

The last and easiest thing you can do is put some porn on the ‘ol laptop. Sometimes when I know I’m going to need some extra “incentive” during sex with my long-term girlfriend, I’ll throw some interracial gangbang porn on the laptop and focus on that. If you’re afraid your wife will get mad at you for watching porn while you’re fucking her, set the laptop up in another room, and hang a series of mirrors so that you can watch it without her knowing. Giving it to her doggy style or in reverse cowgirl style is when you can really focus on the porn.

You can also try couples swinging. There’s always somebody out there who will fuck your wife, and vise-versa.

The important thing to remember, if you are uxoravalent is that you are not alone. Nobody wants to fuck their wife after the three-thousandth time. Just try a few of the tips I have mentioned above, and get yourself a once-a-week whore that floats your boat.

1. Gus felt uxoravalent towards his wife. She told him it was ok because she had been fucking the poolboy for years.

2. Brad Pitt is not uxoravalent towards Angelina Jolie.

RELATED TERMS:

Erection

Viagra

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Underboob is the view of the lower areas of female breasts, generally taken from underneath. It is one of the hottest non-naked ways of seeing a sweet pair of tits, and should not be underbreastimated by women.

Also known as “Australian” cleavage, because it’s down under, underboob can be really erotic. Whereas top cleavage is nice, underboob gives the gawker a sense of the saggage, fullness, and roundness of the boobs. Top cleavage can be very misleading, depending on the bra and top. Underboob cannot be faked. What you see is what she got.

There is a scientific hypothesis that believes that men enjoy cleavage because it reminds them of the cleft of the buttocks, and mating doggy style. Underboob certainly makes my dick hard, and it’s not because it reminds me of an ass. What it reminds me of is my hands grabbing those sweet tits and pushing them together on either side of my throbbing man meat until it explodes in hot, sticky cum.

Underboob is especially appreciated by midgets and short men because they get a great view from below. Normally only tall men get to enjoy titty cleavage, but not so with underboob. With underboob, the dwarf stands tallest (and hardest), if you know what I mean. Actually, tall guys get fucked by underboob. They’d be completely oblivious to it if they’re too tall to see it. Serves them right. They get the best views at rock concerts, so this evens it all out.

Old ladies sometimes show off their underboob without meaning to. This is because they forget to wear their bra because of the Alzheimer’s. Their saggy tatters droop down past the bottom of their shirt and bounce against their knees. Let’s get that shit in a bra, grandma. You’re scaring the grandkids.

Most hot, young celebrities pose with some underboob shots on the cover of today’s men’s magazines. I am a fan of this growing trend. That’s because there is a growing trend in my pants when I see them. I would love to see Salma Hayek, Sophia Vergara, Scarlett Johansson, and Kim Kardashian all get into a underboob pictorial taken by Annie Lebowitz. I’d have to laminate the pages to protect them from the copious amounts of man milk they’d receive, but it would be worth the cost.

1. Ken nearly jizzed his pants when he saw Rhianna’s underboob in a magazine in his dentist’s office. He managed to stop the orgasm from happening, but nothing could stop his pulsating erection. He crossed his legs and grabbed “Bible Stories for Children” to read instead. When he read about Mary being a virgin, he imagined what her immaculate underboobs would look like. That’s when he came all over himself.

2. Normally Asian women didn’t turn Yuri on. He thought they had beautiful faces, but in general, they didn’t have the big tatters that he liked on a lady. Then, one day, he found a magazine dedicated to Asian ladies with huge natural tits. The underboob pics of Muzuki Horii changed his outlook forever.

RELATED TERMS:

Boltons

Tits

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Note: The Unicorn can only be done to a girl with hair at least 8 inches long.

While she is sleeping you ejaculate into the woman’s hair, aiming for the front, specifically. Then, take a small clump of her hair, at the very front and center, and pull it straight up until it’s taut. Rubbing the seminal fluid and holding the hair until it dries, she will wake up with her hair resembling that distinguishing feature of a unicorn.

Remember the silly hairstyle that Cameron Diaz had in “There’s Something About Mary” when she got cum in her hair? Same idea, except you add a little sculpting and art to the style.

Warning: Some woman may think the unicorn is hilarious, but others may find it insulting and a violation. If there is the danger that she may be upset, I suggest taking a few pictures of the unicorn with your camera phone, and getting out of there before she wakes up. After all, she could put your eye out with her horn if she’s super pissed.

For those of you with girlfriends who are very sound sleepers, or who pass out drunk a lot, you can always try to do the little unicorn as well. That’s when you encourage your woman to grow her pubes out. Then, while she’s asleep, you cum in her pubes and make a little unicorn horn down there. If you can do both unicorns on the same woman on the same night, you are truly a modern day hero.

If there was one porn star that I think would look great with the unicorn, it’s gorgeous super star Sasha Grey. She’s got the long brown hair for it. What I would do, if I ever had the opportunity to give her the unicorn, is keep some gold and silver hair glitter in my bedside table. I’d sprinkle it in with the cum while it was hardening. That way, when morning came, it would sparkle in the sunshine.

Plus, Sasha Grey is such a dirty slut, that she’d probably be into pegging me with the unicorn horn. That could be hot. I wonder if the sparkles would come off in my asshole and be a problem. Or, would I just end up with sparkly shit. Better talk to my family doctor first.

Call me, Sasha! I love your work!

1. Hercules searched far and wide for the mystical flying horse Pegasus. When he found it, he flew over to Aphrodite’s house. While her husband was down at the all-you-can-eat sushi restaurant, Hercules fucked her long and hard. She was so well-fucked that she fell asleep. Hercules thought it would be funny to masturbate into her hair and give her The Unicorn. Her husband came home, saw Aphrodite and The Unicorn, and vowed vengeance on the mighty Hercules.

2. Lisa didn’t realize that her boyfriend had given her The Unicorn until she started getting strange looks from her fellow morning joggers.

RELATED TERMS:

Cocksnot

Cumshot

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Uncut is a slang term for an uncircumcised penis. In other words, a natural, normal cock that hasn’t been butchered by a ridiculous tradition from one or another ludicrous organized religion. With respect.

I was recently lamenting my own butchered penis while I was travelling to a local hardware store. I desperately needed a replacement part for my car so that I could travel to my mom’s funeral. The hardware store is owned by a religious fellow who, unknown to me or his shop’s website, closes his store on Sundays. I got to the hardware shop and found it to be closed, preventing me from repairing my car and getting to my mom’s funeral in time.

Again, because of a ludicrous and ridiculous rule passed down by organized religion: “Sundays are a day of rest.” If God exists, do you think his cosmic calendar has a seven-day “work week”? We earthlings have adopted a seven day week because of the time it takes for this particular planet to go around the sun. God, if he exists, lives in the whole universe (so they say). His “week” would be eons long.

I guess I could spend all day talking about the silliness of religious traditions. But instead, I will use the rest of my time to talk to all you prospective new parents out there. Don’t mangle your kid’s dick. Leave it be. It is perfect just the way it is. God, if he exists, doesn’t give a damn about your kid’s cock tip. And if he does, he’s a deranged perv.

Uncut is right. Uncut is normal. Uncut is cool. Uncut is unbelievable! Teach your kid how to bathe, and there is no reason to ever bring a knife near his precious peter.

Here endeth the lesson.

1. Ishmael was taking his first public shower after gym class in high school when he caught a glimpse of an uncut penis. It was the first time he had ever seen an uncircumcised cock. The dick in question belonged to his locker partner, a black teen named LaShawn. Ishmael wasn’t sure if he was staring because it looked so different than every other penis he had ever seen, or because it was three times as big as his own shlong. LaShawn was used to people staring at his huge cock, so he took it all in stride.2. Paul’s parents came up to him on his thirteenth birthday. They were a Jewish family, but had decided to wait until Paul was thirteen to talk about his uncut penis. They explained that circumcision was important to the Jewish identity, and their covenant with God. However, they wanted to wait until Paul could make the decision for himself. After an hour of explaining the importance of circumcision, they asked Paul if he wanted to get cut. Paul screamed, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Because that’s what every man would say if you waited until they could make up their own minds about it.

RELATED TERMS:

Cut

Foreskin