Two-Bagger (or Double Bagger) is a rare find in today’s modern world of cosmetics, plastic surgery, nutritionists, and personal trainers, but they do exist. Akin to the loch ness monster, the Sasquatch, or Chucacabra, the double bagger is a woman who is so absolutely hideous that you would need two paper bags to have sex with her, one to cover her head and one to cover your own in case her bag accidentally falls off during intercourse. Most of us will never meet a two-bagger in our lives, and only a small percentage of men in the world will actually have sex with one.
Gentlemen, I have to make a confession. I have fucked a two-bagger. It’s not one of my proudest moments, and I’ve tried for years to block it out of my memory, but it’s there burning in my mind every morning when I wake up and each night when I go to sleep. Her name was Heidi, and not unlike her name, she did resemble my childhood pet goat (also named Heidi, but she was a little prettier, to be honest). It was back in my college days, after a particularly bad break up with a crazy ex girlfriend who cheated on me and broke my heart, so I was too devastated and shook up to have the confidence to pick up random sluts at the bar, like any self-respecting single college male would do.
So, it had been about 8 months since I had been laid, the longest I had ever gone since I lost my virginity back in high school, so needless to say, I was horny. Now, imagine you’re as horny as I was, you’ve just downed an entire 60 ounce bottle of Jack Daniels, taken three pills of E, and watched two of the hottest blondes in your school make out in the living room for half an hour straight while the entire party watched and cheered them on. It was like being constipated for an entire year, but that entire year you’ve eaten nothing but chilli, black coffee, and strong cigarettes.
So, there I was, standing in the hallway waiting in front of the bathroom door to use the washroom, when suddenly the door opened. A smoky haze wafted from the doorway like a swamp at dusk, and there stood Heidi. She looked at me in what I can only assume was her attempt at a seductive smile, which looked a lot like that scene from Margauret Laurence’s Stone Angel where all the chicken eggs became half-fertilized in the hot sun and then came crashing down on the ground and broke, so all these half aborted, half alive baby bird fetuses were crawling around in their own goo and blood, trying not to die. That, my friends, was Heidi’s sexy smile. And just as I closed my eyes and started to gag, before I could do anything to stop her she pulled me into the bathroom, grabbed onto my erect dick (which at this point, like I said, was pretty much erect 24/7 due to my abstinence) and started sucking me off. I’ll spare you the rest of the details, like the orgasm, the vomiting, the crying, and self-flagellation, but lucky for me there happened to be two empty LCBO bags in the bathroom, which acted as a barrier between me and baby bird fetus face.
1. If you’re going to bang a double bagger, make sure you wait until everyone else at the party has either gone home or passed out. You don’t want ANY witnesses.
2. Mary Walsh once said she almost banged a double bagger, but Rob Ford called the police instead, so she never got the chance.
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