The maiden voyage. A whopping 2229 people on board. At 2:20am it goes down. It goes down hard… and fast.
There are female equivalents to this boat, cleverly dubbed “Titanics”. Take them out for the first time and they’ll go down too. This could be anywhere from five minutes into the date, to four and a half hours. It’ll happen at some point that night, guaranteed. This blowjob, however, may not be great. It may also not be preceded by dinner or a movie. It can happen at any time or place. And they could make a three-hour movie out of it.
Titanics are usually, in fact, large vessels. Think of the Kate Winslet types (who, in fact, get cast for the role due to her Titanic-ness to the director). And hey, that old woman wasn’t a heffer but she may have been a Titanic too. After all, dentures come out; teeth don’t.
Titanics strive to please and probably won’t request your services afterwards. Get some ice involved and everything goes down even quicker. Just make sure you’re one of the first in the life boat or you may be going down alongside the captain (i.e., get the hell out afterwards!) Don’t forget to take a lesson from Leo – if you come from steerage, seek out the upper-class passengers. It may be worth the trouble.
A good indication of a Titanic is that she’ll bring a banana along on the date just to eat it in front of you. If she pulls out a jug of milk and accidentally spills it all over her face, you know you’ll sink that in no time. After all, isn’t a buffet a good part of any large ship?
Friends can recommend Titanics to other friends. Good birthday and Christmas present ideas are setting your buddy up with one. They’re cheaper than a hooker and can be re-gifted night after night – even with the same dudes. That’s the beauty of this boat. She’s reliable and despite what authorities say, she’ll sink every time.
You’ll recognize a Titanic by her long pants or trousers. Titanics’ knees are so badly and constantly bruised that they know never to wear a short skirt or dress. If your date shows up, tiny skirt and long jacket, knees as soft and perfect as a ripe tomato, no one will be going down that night… except maybe you. That’s a big maybe.
When all is said and done, Titanics are a staple in the world of dating. Without them, men may cease all dating activity, discouraged and bitter towards the prudes, and bored with mere sluts. The backs of movie theatres may become a barren wasteland. Makeout Point, overlooking the city, might even get overgrown and inaccessible to cars and pickup trucks.
1. That blind date last night was a total Titanic! Thanks, man.
2. I’m not that easy with men. But being a Titanic is better than nothing!
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