Like most dependencies, being a Sexaholic can be a burdensome, life-endangering disease. But, like being an alcoholic or a drug addict, it can also be a hell of a lot of fun.
By definition, a sexaholic is the same as a sex addict; it’s someone who is addicted to sex and has a severe dependency on sexual gratification and arousal. However, saying that is a little obvious, like saying an alcoholic drinks a lot.
There are so many other symptoms of being a sexaholic that should be mentioned, because it is these symptoms that really make it the ideal disease or dependency to have. First of all, sexaholics are also usually extremely skilled in bed, partially because they have sex so often and have therefore had more practice in breeding than a tit mouse or jack rabbit, and partially because they have an inherent ability to understand exactly what to do in order to reach orgasm for themselves and their sexual partner(s). They’re like the Rain Man of orgasms or the Houdini of oral sex, born with the ability to unlock any sexual partner’s hidden treasure of multiple-orgasmic experience, and window-washing ejaculation.
Another huge benefit to being a sexaholic is that they usually have no standards whatsoever. They’ll hump any man or woman, regardless of how ugly they are, and they’ve even been known to dabble in the dark, mysterious world of bestiality, midget fetishes, and auto-erotic asphyxiation. And why is this so great? Because it guarantees that they can get laid somewhere, by someone or something, pretty much every night of the week. No more sitting at home on a Friday night wondering who to call to cure your severe case of blue balls. No more scratching off the days on a calendar until your ex finally comes back into town for a visit and a nostalgia fuck.
Finally, perhaps the most alluring aspect of being a sexaholic is that you’re not legally responsible for anything you do. Much like Mel Gibson’s “I’m an alcoholic” defense, a sexaholic can use their physical and psychological dependency in a court case to escape punishment for pretty much any crime, especially if it’s somehow sexual in nature (which it always is, of course). Even if you are still proven guilty for the crime, you’ll undoubtedly be sent to a psych ward or rehab clinic instead of a prison, and mental institutions and rehab clinics are about the only place in the world where you get can laid more often than a college student living in residence, or a senior in a retirement home.
1. When I accidentally slept with the bosses wife and he fired me, I told HR I was a sexaholic. A week later, I was given a promotion and took over his office while he went back to work as a waiter at Denny’s.
2. Never tell another sexaholic that you are also a sexaholic; you’ll end up like the praying mantis; fucking all night until one of you kills the other.
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