Click To Enlarge
Some people could make a decent living off this, I swear. A sex buffer is someone you take out with you on a date with someone you don’t really like. This could be a gnarly set-up by your aunt, a client’s fugly daughter, or a pity date with that one-boobed chick from accounting. They are, in essence, the welcomed third wheel. The sex buffer is there to say THIS IS NOT A REAL DATE. Except, of course, they don’t actually scream it. They say it by simply being there and looking unimpressed.
The sex buffer can take on many forms. You can use a close friend in need of a good hot meal, or a cousin who is in town on business. The sex buffer should know what their purpose is. They can be single or married, heinous or ass-tapping hot. It really doesn’t matter, as long as they don’t ditch early to catch a late show at the bijou. Then you’re screwed because your date will think they took off so you can be alone. This is a bad sex buffer.
Your sex buffer should also be on the same page with certain things. There is always the possibility of a set-up working out. Scenario: you show up to take your client’s daughter out. Expecting her to have her father’s brillo-pad mustache and hairy back, you bring along your sex buffer. But wait. She’s a double-d with a leopard g-string poking up above her skinny jeans. It’s imperative that your sex buffer knows the cue to take off and leave you two pawing at each other. A cue could be anything from the word “watermelon” to a light kick to his gooch. Make sure it’s clear and understood.
It’s not recommended that a sex buffer be a close family member. That one is a little too obvious. “Hey mind if my sister tags along” can only be read as “I’m a transparent douche who has no real friends” or “I’m into incest”. Neither is an ideal interpretation. It’s really best to bring a friend, roommate, or homeless man who will stick around for a cup of cheap whiskey.
Sometimes you will bring the sex buffer along and the idiot chick will still think it’s a real date. She’ll swoon, giggle, and rub her cracked big toe up into your crotch. I like to have a backup plan for train wrecks like this. If she’s just not getting the picture, have your sex buffer fake a seizure or better yet, Tourette’s. A fail-safe like this will send the grenade packing as quickly as she threw on her moomoo that morning. Then you and your sex buffer high-tail it to Hooters for half-priced appys and garlic bread.
1. If you come as my sex buffer tonight, I’ll pay for your porterhouse and two pints.
2. Mark needs a sex buffer when he takes out Charlene next week – she’s a real ugmo.
RELATED TERMS: