The stranger simply refers to when you sit on your hand until it goes completely numb, and then you close your eyes and begin jerking off with your numb hand. The sensation is incredible, as it feels like someone else is jerking you off and it isn’t just your own hand. For the best results, I recommend fantasizing about the hottest girl from your office, or maybe one of your most desirable “taboo fucks” from your spank bank such as your best friend’s girlfriend or your current girlfriend’s mother.

The stranger, also known as the “hobo’s sex toy,” is an excellent way to pleasure yourself in a new and exciting way if you don’t have the money or access to pocket pussies, warming lube, and other expensive sex toys. All you need is a little bit of your own body weight, and a few extra minutes to make your hand go numb, and your jerk off session will feel so damn good that you’ll swear it actually was your hot second cousin jerking you off under the picnic table at the family reunion. After all, incest is best when you put the stranger to the test.

1. In college I used to do the stranger so often that I lost permanent circulation in my right arm and they had to amputate it. Lucky for me, prosthetics feel ever better.

2. If you’re going to do the stranger, don’t use any lube. It’s like watching a stroke victim trying to eat a bowl of soup. It gets messy.

RELATED TERMS:

Jack Off              

Séance Wank 

There are a lot of people who should really experience the Strawberry Shortcake. Sarah Palin for example. Rick Santorum. John McCain. Basically all the US republican twits who are currently in office or have run for office. Steven Harper could definitely use one, especially now that his budget included some ridiculous government cuts, including 10% to the CBC.

I once gave a girl a lemon meringue pie, while we’re on the subject of sexy dessert themed surprised. I scooped some lemon pudding into her pussy and then fucked her…when I was ready to come I pulled out and jizzed all over her pudding filled pussy. Then I put my face between her legs and lapped it up. I love the taste of jizz mixed with lemon pudding. Maybe it’s because my mom used to make lemon meringue pie for my birthday every year, and every year I would sneak a third slice of it to my bedroom and jerk off while eating it. I tried to come right before the last bite so I could eat it with the joy of shooting my jizz in the air. Once I accidentally got my jizz on the pie. I ate the rest of it anyway and it was delicious, that salty cum mixed with the sour lemon and the sweet meringue. My mom has no idea how horny I get when I think of her pies.

1. So I totally gave my girlfriend a strawberry shortcake the other night but it was a complete accident! I was fucking her mouth and when I was ready to come I pulled out and jizzed on her face. As I was getting off of her (she was lying down on the bed and I was straddling her face), I stumbled and accidentally elbowed her in the face! Her nose totally burst open like a fucking facet and she looked just like a delicious dessert. In fact, it totally made me crave a blizzard, so I tossed her a towel to wipe the blood off her face, got dressed, and drove to Dairy Queen.

2. If I could give one person a strawberry shortcake it would be Hitler. The only problem is that his mustache would totally get in the way of the whole look. Plus I may have to shoot him in the face instead of punching him.

RELATED TERMS:

Donkey Punch

Jizz

It’s kind of too bad that not all party’s are stoplight parties because it would be really nice to know who’s single and ready to fuck and who’s taken. It would save everyone a lot of time (and money, potentially, if you’re buying someone drinks all night), if you just knew who was available. Wedding rings used to be one of the major signs but nowadays not everyone wears their wedding rings and more and more people are choosing to live common law and there’s no way of really knowing their relationship status unless you ask them. Which, of course, is an obvious option that everyone has. But a lot of people like to hold onto the mystery and possibility while they get to know someone at a party or at a bar.

A stoplight party is helpful but it isn’t entirely inclusive. It only slight touches on people who are non-monogamous or into polyamary with the yellow ‘it’s complicated’ t-shirts. It would be cool if there were more variations on this. Like pink shirts would be for the gays at the party, purple would be for those that swing both way or are simply queer identified. Light blue could be for those who are in poly relationships or for those who’s relationships are open. But maybe this is moving too far away from the whole stoplight party idea. Maybe this has to be more of a rainbow themed party. Which is, you know, super gay.

1. I went to my first stoplight party the other day, but I accidentally wore black and everyone thought that meant that I was an emo asexual. Then I fucked the host’s neighbor who was the only other person who showed up in black and the only reason she was wearing black was cause her aunt died and she had to go to the wake right before the party. Needless to say, post funeral sex is one of the hottest things imaginable.

2. I’m single and totally looking to hook up so my friend recommended that I have a stoplight party. I did but a bunch of people who I know are in relationships showed up wearing green in the hopes for a fling. A lot of them ended up cheating on their partners at my party and their partners got super mad at me and a bunch of them drove to my house and banged on my door in the middle of the night. When I opened the door in my pajamas half asleep they threw eggs at my face. I think I’m going to try online dating.

RELATED TERMS:

Orgy

Polyamory 

Chicks dig superheroes. It’s a fact. They love the feeling of being rescued, of being saved. That’s why so many ladies are turning themselves over to Jesus, even if he never actually calls or picks up the tab. He has a lot to say about love and being with sexy hookers and getting chicks to do weird sex stuff, like washing his feet. The ladies eat that shit up. All superheroes get laid and they all get to bang whoever they want. And if you’re a lady superhero, same thing. You get your choice of ladies. Or dudes. Or lady dudes. Or dude ladies. Whichever your preference.

1. My boyfriend totally pulled a Spiderman on me, but I wasn’t shocked or horrified, I was just super into it. He likes to experiment and he loves all the Spiderman movies so I wasn’t really surprised. And when he flung his jizz onto my face I felt like I was being pulled into his delicious web of seduction and desire. It was actually pretty hot. The only part that was awkward was when he climbed out of our bedroom window in an attempt to make a grand escape. He ended up falling down four stories and breaking his leg. When we got to the hospital I had to explain the dried jizz on my face. It was kind of uncomfortable until our doctor asked if she could join our next superhero sex session. Turns out she’s totally got a thing for dressing up as She-ra. It’s always nice to know where your next threesome is coming from.

2. The last time I gave my boyfriend a Spiderman we were at his family’s summer cottage. His parents had finally decided it was cool that we were gay dudes and allowed us to share the guest cottage together. I suppose it was bad timing that his mom came in to announce that supper was ready just as I was splattering my boyfriend’s face with jizz. I tried to explain that it wasn’t a gay thing but rather a superhero thing, but she wouldn’t hear of it. Next thing I know I’m on the bus back to Tuscan.

RELATED TERMS:

Facial

Orgasm

It’s important to fuck as a married couple. It’s crucial to consider sex as instrumental to the health of your marriage. It’s true that people make the mistake of ignoring their sexual desires and sex drives and often couples get into relationships where one individual has a much higher sex drive than the other. But once you’re married to someone, you have to place a high priority on your sex life, whether or not you have a high sex drive (unless, of course, both of you have a low sex drive and are fine with it).

There are many ways you can keep your sex life alive and healthy. You can invest in some hot new sex toys, watch porn together, make sexy decisions like not having sex in your bed for the next month, or listening to sexy pod casts like Savage Love. Go to a workshop on how to give amazing blowjobs or how to give a woman a g-spot orgasm. Take showers and baths together. Buy sexy lingerie and handcuffs and wrist/ankle restraints and crazy costumes. Have sex even when you’re both half asleep and exhausted. And even if you can’t have sex every day, make sure to touch each other in a sexual way every day. Grab your partner’s ass and give it a good squeeze. Smack his ass when he walks by, or make her bend over the kitchen counter for a good spanking when she’s cleaning up the kitchen. Every time you watch TV together is a perfect opportunity for some boob play. Sit on each other’s laps.

It’s also crucial not to refuse your partner sex under most conditions. Obviously if your partner is being a douche about it and being overly sexually aggressive or manipulative, that is not cool and should be considered abusive. But even if you aren’t in the mood, you can usually give your partner a little sexual attention, even if it isn’t full-blown sex. Our culture’s definition of sex is incredibly limited. If we started looking at sex as an expression and something that comes in all forms we’d start to prioritize all the little things we do that contribute to a healthy sex life.

1. I’m stuck in a some-sex marriage.

2. My husband won’t fuck me. I didn’t sign up for this some-sex marriage bullshit.

RELATED TERMS:

Marriage 

Monogamous 

Of course when it’s side boob that you get a peek of through a t-shirt sleeve or something like that, it’s delightful. Another case where a bit of side boob is quite welcome is when a woman is wearing a bikini. The point of the bikini is to cover as little of the boobs as possible so long as it is able to stay up and perky. This involves a complex strategy that involves strong enough bikini material that will hoist the boobs up, but not so much coverage that it becomes obvious that without the bikini top those things would be down to her knees.

I used to give my hot best friend little back tickles and rubs when we were thirteen and fourteen. She had perfect perky tits and this beautiful soft back. I used to run my fingers in light little touches all over her naked back and she would cup her breasts in her hands. Sometimes I would catch sight of a glorious bit of side boob. It was just about the hottest thing I’d ever seen. Years later she told me she always wanted to see what it was like to sleep with a girl and she told me we should go for it. So we got super drunk on red wine and pulled each other’s clothes off, running our hands all over our bodies and fingering each other. I got to eat her pussy and it was delicious. Her breasts were just as perfect and perky as they were fifteen years ago. It was just that one night, but it’s made a memory of side boob and front boob that I’ll hold dear forever.

1. Sometimes when my girlfriend’s putting on her bra I get this glimpse of side boob. It gets me so hot that I end up with an instant hard on. When she notices, she climbs on top of me and mounts my dick, swinging her boobs from side to side.

2. I’m twenty and the most boob I’ve ever seen is some sweet side boob from my babysitter when I was ten. Damn she was perky. When am I gonna get to see some titties?

RELATED TERMS:

Boobs 

Tits 

If a woman is ‘skanky’ than she is either dirty or trashy or she has sex with dirty and disgusting men. Perhaps she keeps her vagina open and has some sort of revolving door policy when it comes to her pussy. Perhaps she’ll let just about anyone fuck her even older dudes who are twice or three times her age. For example, the thirty-five year old woman who leaves her husband to be with her seventy-six year old professor is pretty damn skanky. The woman who has bleached blonde hair and wears tight leopard print leggings and goes to her kid’s PTA meeting dressed like a low-class hooker is fairly skanky.

Women, listen up. It’s OKAY to be skanky. It’s not a bad thing. It’s just a bit humiliating if you’re skanky and you don’t know you’re skanky. If you’re dressing all skanked-out, that’s cool so long as you know that you’re doing it. If you’re fucking dudes twice your age or letting your best friend’s little brother stick his dick in your pussy, that’s cool too, so long as you’re aware. And if you’re a skank, you’ve gotta own it. Wear the title with pride. Make some hoochie mama friends, go to a country bar wearing your cowboy boots and a skirt the size of a napkin and get super loaded and take home as many dudes as you want. Be yourself. Don’t hold back and don’t let anyone make you feel bad for being who you are. The most important thing to remember as a skank is to embrace your skankiness. No one’s gonna embrace it for you.

1. That fucking skank stole my boyfriend. I’m gonna make her pay.

2. God, I can’t believe I fucked my best friend’s boyfriend. I’m such a skank whore. I swore to myself I’d never do that again. Why can’t I ever keep a best friend for more than a month? Why do I keep fucking their boyfriends? Like, why do my best friend have such hot boyfriends that are always tempting me all the time? Maybe if they dressed better or lost a few pounds they’d be able to hold on to their men. Like, it’s not my fault that I’m super hot. I work for this body, you know? Fuck that, I’m not gonna feel guilty for being hot. It’s not my fault that all these dude want to fuck me.

RELATED TERMS:

Slut

Whore 

It’s relatively easy for chicks to do this. Women can easily attract a one-night-stand when they need one, even if they’re on the less attractive side. They can go to pretty much any bar (though country bars seem to be the best bet) and go home with a dude. Guys tend to be more into non-committal casual sexual encounters so if you’re a lady looking for just that, you’ve got tons of options. For dudes it’s a little more challenging. Unless you’re a gay dude, than it’s much more complicated trying to find something that ISN’T casual.

When you fuck someone new to get over someone old you kind of have to grit your teeth and just get through it. The sex will likely be bad or at least not great because you won’t be fully there. Even if you’re horny there’s probably a part of you that will be mildly traumatized from the encounter. You just have to keep in mind that you’re doing this for the greater good. Try to pick someone that you’re at least attracted to because that will make the whole thing easier to deal with. You might want to get a little loaded first or maybe a bit high. Try to find someone who’s not going to be a total dick or cunt. Find someone who is interested in your pleasure but will also go at your pace and is willing to read your cues. Try to have fun with it. Sex shouldn’t be too serious. And remember, you’re doing this to exorcise your ex. Let it happen. Let go.

1. My boyfriend just dumped me. I need to have a sexercism before my twat dries up and fills with cobwebs.

2. My husband and I met because I needed someone to fuck when I was heartbroken off my last relationship. He was a total sexercism that turned into a relationship.

RELATED TERMS:

Ex-Box

Ex-Hole

The only thing I’ve ever taken from a former lover was a copy of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. We watched it together at three in the morning when we were too drunk to have sex but too dizzy to actually pass out. We drink coffee and ate Macdonald’s happy meals and watched the movie. Then we went to the bedroom to crash, but ended up having crazy messy drunk sex. I woke up to his fiancé’s voice on his answering machine letting him know she was on her way over to pick him up for the big family brunch. He freaked out and started throwing my clothes at me, begging me to get dressed. I told him to calm down, that it was tradition for the maid of honour to fuck the groom. While he was tearing through the house trying to find and destroy all evidence of me I yanked his copy of Ferris Bueller. I couldn’t help but wonder what would’ve happened if my best friend hadn’t called him before coming over. They ended up divorcing two years later and we fucked on the night the divorce went through. My friend and I were no longer speaking (she did end up finding out about our affair, though it wasn’t because of us. His best friend blurted it out to her when he was drunk and trying to fuck her) and I made sure to give him several blow jobs that night, something she was never willing to do. He never did ask for his movie back and to this day I still have it. Well, we have it. It’s in our shared collection of videos down in the family room.

1. I totally took a pair of that slut’s underwear after she fell asleep. Now I’ve got a screwvenir from our night together. I just can’t wait to get home tonight so I can try them on and see how they look on me.

2. Once I was dating this guy who had just gotten a kitten. She was such a beautiful striped grey and white kitten and I was totally in love with her. He dumped me and I took her as a screwvenir. I’ve had her for two years now and she’s the most important thing in my life.

RELATED TERMS:

Fuck

One Night Stand 

Anyone who’s got a true schlong likely considers it to be both a blessing and a curse. In our society, the size of a man’s cock is tied directly to his masculinity. Most men wished their penises were larger, longer, and thicker. They want to feel well hung. When they’re getting changed in the locker room they want their dick to be flopping all over the place because it’s so huge. When they’re getting a blowjob they want to be so huge that the chick gags and passes out because she’s unable to breathe. When he’s pounding a chick he wants his cock to fill up her pussy so much that she gasps and cries out with pain and pleasure every time he thrusts into her. Every dude wants this and most guys don’t realize that chicks don’t NEED that much cock. Not only do they not need it, most of them don’t want it. Women want to be able to get pounded without pain, they want to be able to give blowjobs without passing out, they want anal sex and it’s really hard to have hot anal sex when the dick is so huge that even the tip can hardly fit.

So yeah, a dude with a giant schlong can feel good about his dick in the locker room and among guy cock talk. But when it comes to fucking, he’s going to run into some challenges. He may not be able to have the pounding fuck sessions he wishes he could have because his dick is just too thick and long. He might not be able to get into his girlfriend’s ass, or deep throat his boyfriend. He might have his lovers smile compassionately at him before showing him the door under the guise of, ‘I just don’t think this is gonna work out’ knowing that it’s all because of his massive dick.

So while you may be a dude with an average dick or even a smaller than average dick, remember that this actually gives you the opportunity to have all the hot sex that you’ve always wanted to have. Your dick won’t be what prevents you from having awesome fuck session, but your mind might hold you back at times. You’ve got to fight the urge to feel self-conscious because your dick isn’t porno huge. Most chicks don’t want that anyway and those that do should go out and find one of those giant schlong guys who actually get the raw end of the deal by not being able to satisfy their lovers because their dicks are too huge.

1. My boyfriend has such a massive schlong that when I blow him I can only fit a third of him into my mouth. Sometimes he cries about it when he thinks I’m asleep.

2. The last schlong I fucked couldn’t get inside my ass. I had to dump the dude it was attached to.

RELATED TERMS:

Cock

Dick