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The Top is the dominant party in a BDSM experience, or in a homosexual relationship; the man who penetrates his sexual partner. Sometimes it’s hard to imagine who the top would be in a theoretical homosexual relationship. Here are my thoughts:

Big Bird: Top

Snuffy: Bottom

(and Snuffy could reach underneath with his fuzzy trunk and fidget with Big Bird’s balls)

Yoda: Top

Luke: Bottom

(remember Yoda was always on Luke’s back on Dagobah)

Bono: Bottom

The Edge: Top

(where the streets have no name AND the sun doesn’t shine)

Dr. Phil: Bottom

Dr. J: Top

(interracial introspection)

Ned Flanders: Top

Groundskeeper Willy: Bottom

(pokely dokely)

Little Richard: Top

Michael Jackson: Middler

Justin Beiber: Bottom

(Gross. Sorry.)

Those are just hypothetical, you understand. Just like hypothetically, if Barack Obama and Abraham Lincoln were homosexual lovers, I think that Abe would be the top. It’s impossible to prove, but I think his beard makes him look a little more butch than Barack. I could be wrong, though. I admit that.

Or if Jesus and Buddha were homosexual lovers. This is hypothetical, remember. I mean no disrespect – it is simply a matter of “what if”. Now, I’d be tempted to say that Jesus would be the top, because Buddha is sort of soft and chubby. He’s got those man-boobs. But Jesus was purported to be very gentle. And gentleness is sort of feminine. So I don’t know. Zeus would definitely be a top. Confucius also.

I should say at this point that a heterosexual couple can also play with power roles like top and bottom. If the man wants to be the bottom, the woman can use sex toys and strap-ons to enhance her role as top. I once dated a woman named Rita whose last boyfriend loved it when she fucked him with a strap-on. It turned her on A LOT. She asked if I was into it, and I said I had never tried it before. While we were on our way to the sex-toy shop to look at strap-ons, we were cornered by muggers. I ran for it, and she was killed. Miss you, Rita!

1. Mark and Peter were gay lovers that wanted to add some BDSM roleplay in their sex lives. The read a few books and decided that Mark would be the top, and Peter would be the bottom. Peter loved it, but Mark felt it was degrading to Peter. Peter asked Mark to keep doing it, and Mark did. Now Mark hates sex because Peter can only come when he’s a bottom. Mark is thinking about dumping Peter, but he thinks Peter would fall apart. It’s messy and terrible. Poor Mark, huh?

2. I was surprised when I walked in on my grandparents having sex, and my grandmother was using a strap-on on my grandpa. I figured he’d be the top. They asked me to join them, but I had a shift at Wal-Mart that night.

RELATED TERMS:

BDSM

Gay