Rule 34 is something that every porn-addicted computer nerd and chronic masturbator in the world is aware of, but it’s not something the average citizen ever thinks about. Rule 34 is an Internet meme which is accurate to the core, stating that ‘if it exists, there is porn about it somewhere.’ What this means is that if someone, somewhere in the world is committing a particularly strange sexual act, you can pretty much guarantee that somewhere on the World Wide Web there will be a porno video of that same act. This applies to such vile and twisted acts as raping a donkey that is wearing a diaper and baby bonnet, to filleting dried up foreskin and getting a midget to give you a blowjob as you sauté it. And these are just examples of things we know already exist out there. The rule also applies to things that we are merely able to conceive, even if we don’t yet have proof that it exists. Rule 34 is proven accurate even for the darkest escapades we are able to conjure up in our horny, Freudian little minds. If you don’t believe it, test it out with the following method.
a. Take a deep breathe, clear your mind of all distractions, and then count to 10.
b. When you get to ten, immediately try to think of the most perverted act of sexuality that you can possibly imagine. Make sure you get the image clear in your head. What’s the backdrop or scene look like? How many people, animals, or objects are involved? Who is doing what to whom, and why?
c. When you’ve finally developed a vivid pornographic scene in your mind, try writing it down in a Word document on your computer, describing every detail as clearly as possible.
d. Copy and paste that description into a Google search engine and viola! Chances are, you’ve got yourself at least one or two websites that have videos, photographs, or X-rated cartoon depictions of the grotesque scene of debauchery that you just created in your mind. If, for some rare reason, you didn’t find any links whatsoever to the filth you just imagined, then congratulations, you are officially more fucked up and perverted than any human being out there with access to the internet and a camera.
Another interesting note about Rule 34 is that it predates the internet, in a way. Before the world of Pornography, video camera, and the computer, people still performed bizarre erotica and indulged in twisted fantasies while they jerked themselves off. Although the internet didn’t exist as a evidence-finding tool, the rule still applied: if you can think of it in your mind, then chances are someone in the world is having an orgasm because of it.
I never believed in Rule 34 until I started working for Google. After one eight hour shift, I saw so much filth that I’m no longer able to have sex with my wife.
After I tried to prove that Rule 34 was inaccurate, I became highly addicted to Russian Snuff films.
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