In some ways I’m not surprised that Ron Jeremy is famous. I have a few theories about this, actually. First of all, a lot of dudes watch porn. Like pretty much all dudes watch porn. And while they’re watching it, they’re getting off but they’re also losing a part of their self-esteem. Every time they see a super hot dude with a six pack and gleaming pecks, a tight ass, and a huge cock pounding away at some gorgeous chick a little piece of these dudes who are watch and jacking off die inside. They just know that they could only fantasize about having a chick that hot in the sack, because they’re too skinny and they have no muscles or they have a big belly or their balding or their nut sac is bigger than there cock. Enter Ron Jeremy. This dude makes everyone feel better about themselves. Sure he’s got a huge cock, but he’s ugly as hell yet all these women are fucking the shit out of him. And it can’t only be about his giant schlong. Lots of guys have big dicks. But a lot of guys don’t have a sex-pack and certainly don’t look like a fucking GQ ad. Ron Jeremy tears down those walls and shows the general public that it doesn’t matter how ugly you are, you can still totally get laid! And by a super hot chick no less!

So now we know why Ron Jeremy is popular with the dudes, because he helps keep their self-esteem intact. But how does he do it for the ladies, you ask? Well, he’s a fucking stud. You don’t really have to be that attractive to be a stud, you just have to have self-confidence, and RJ has nothing but confidence going for him, whether it’s real confidence or some kind of trickery. The dude oozes confidence. And the ladies have always been attracted to confident men. Men who they know for sure will fuck them good and proper. That’s what RJ does, bless his heart.

1. I think I’m in love with Ron Jeremy. His chest is just so….so…so HAIRY. It gets me every time. As soon as I see him doing some chick doggy style I just get so jealous of the chick and want to stab her in the back.

2. Ron Jeremy is a total ladies man. Just like Tom Jones.

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Cock 

Dick 

Most dudes are into asses, the roundness and fullness of them, the way they jiggle and swing back and forth when a lady walks, the way they stick out in tight jeans or a tight skirt, the way she looks when she bends over to reach something, how firm and delicious and round her ass is. A lot of dudes are into assholes too. Licking them, fingering them, fucking them. A lot of guys want to stick their dicks into a nice tight asshole, loosening and stretching it out. And a lot of ladies love getting their asshole pounded because it feels nice and they can rub their clit or put a vibrator on their clit while they’re getting ass fucked. And this is all totally normal and awesome and not even considered particularly kinky these days. But it is a little out of the ordinary when all a dude or a chick wants to do is get their face into that asshole.

The most likely reason why individuals become obsessed with analingus is because they have their own anal issues pent up from childhood. Maybe they had bowel trouble when they were first being potty trained, or maybe they were obsessed with their own anus from day one, always trying to do the old reach around. Once they figured out they could get their tongue in someone else’s ass (much later, say in their early twenties), then it just turned into this wild addiction that was better than hookers or heroin.

1. This chick I dated was so obsessed with eating my ass she used to eat me rather than popcorn on movie nights. I’d have to lie on my stomach with my legs apart so she could cram her face between my cheeks. It only got awkward when I had to fart.

2. I love my girlfriend’s anus so much I’d rather have my face in there than anywhere else in the world. Sometimes when she’s sleeping on her stomach I can’t help myself. I get my face in her asshole just so I can smell it. She usually wakes up super pissed and calls me a sick rimpod.

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Anal Sex

Analingus 

You may think that’s weird, but other people do crazier shit, but I actually get that one. I mean, if they treat her animals badly or as if they weren’t important, how are they going to treat their kids?

Another friend I have tests her boyfriends by seeing how they react to how much food she likes to eat. They’ll go out to a restaurant and she’ll order a huge main course and several appetizers and then just go to town. If he thinks it’s sexy and can also keep up with her, he’s passed the test. If he’s weirded out by it or orders just a salad or makes some condescending remark about how he just isn’t ‘that into food’ (consequently my own personal relationship test is whether or not the guy owns a TV and has favourite TV shows. If he doesn’t, we’ve got to shut it down), then he’s out the door.

The only thing to be cautious about when giving a relationship test is that you aren’t so overly picky that you can’t look past anyone’s flaws. It’s also important to give people second chances when you don’t know them super well. They might be nervous and acting weird because they really like you and want to get in your pants. Don’t have so many deal breakers that you don’t even give yourself the chance to get to know the person.

1. I had to dump him. He didn’t pass the first relationship test.

2. I gave my girlfriend my relationship test and she didn’t pass. I don’t know why she was so horrified by the idea of a threesome. I suppose she would never had passed test #2, double penetration.

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Ex with Benefits

Ex-Hole

Everyone’s criteria for relationship material are different. Some people might think that a dude with kids isn’t relationship material because they don’t want to deal with someone else’s kids (or they don’t want kids period), whereas others wouldn’t factor that into their criteria. Most people would probably say that a drug addict or alcoholic isn’t really relationship material but tons of people date them, so who knows?

Although what constitutes ‘relationship material’ really does differ for everyone, there are these common themes that we, as western society, keep bringing to the table that tend to reflect pressures involving certain morals and values rather than whether or not that person is actually a good fit for us. Everyone is taught that we must want to be with someone who’s rich and successful and smart and charming and attractive and well built and sexy and has great tits or a great ass or a huge cock but definitely never all three.

1. Wow, he’s sexy, charming, AND has his own grow-op? He’s totally relationship material! I think I’ll try to fuck him as soon as I can so I can fake a pregnancy and get him to propose. My dad always says that was the greatest thing mom ever did for him. Of course he only ever says that when he’s fucked up on whiskey, but he still says it. And my mom always laughs at him when she leaves the house to go out dancing. I should really move out.

2. My last girlfriend wasn’t exactly relationship material, but she was so fucking hot and she sucked my cock better than any chick ever had before. In other words, I just thought we could make it work. When she stole my dad’s car, totaled it, then faked a pregnancy just to get me to forgive her, I had to pull the plug on that relationship. But man, sometimes I still think about her. She had the most amazing ass. It was ghetto booty and onion booty all at once. I could cry just thinking about that ass. I kind of think she might be the one.

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Marriage

Monogamous

There’s a lot of fun things you can do over the Christmas holidays to celebrate your sex life. For example, when your parents come to visit you in your one bedroom apartment and you give up your bedroom for them, you can TOTALLY fuck your hot boyfriend in the living room underneath the Christmas tree (who the fuck cares if there isn’t any mistletoe), and enjoy some sweet and delicious sugar cookies after a good pounding. The great thing about that is you have to actually be quiet so it makes the sex more exciting. Like you’re sixteen again and trying to do it in your parent’s basement without getting caught. Another hot thing you can do is dress up like a sexy reindeer (you can buy reindeer antlers at just about any dollar store) and wear some red lingerie and get on your hands and knees beside the Christmas tree. You can do all kinds of sexy poses, showing off your ass and your sweet reindeer pussy.

Another option is to take advantage of all the sugary baking you’ll likely be doing over the holidays. Anytime you make icing sugar you have an obligation to go and smear it on your lover’s dick and then lick it off. If he’s the baker in the house, he’s got to rub some of that delicious icing all over your tits and make sure to lick every bit off so that your boobs are shiny and wet. Then he should probably titty fuck you. If you have that awesome cake and pie throwing fetish that some people do (and I totally wish I had…is it possible to force yourself into having a certain fetish??), you can bake a whole ton of holiday baking, including pies and cheesecakes and chocolate zucchini cakes and cupcakes, then cover your kitchen from floor to ceiling with tarp and just go to town. Take off your clothes and throw those baked goods in each other’s faces until you’re covered with cake and pie filling and then you can fall to the floor and start rolling around licking each other. It’ll be the tastiest sex you’ve ever had, guaranteed.

1. I let my husband set up the light display on our roof and he brought out these plastic reindeer with a plastic Santa that my dad had given us a few months ago. I thought he was going to set them up to look like they were flying, but instead he totally had Rudolph getting busy with one of the lady reindeers. Turns out he was more into reindeer gaming than present giving.

2. I love reindeer gaming. Watching two plastic reindeers fuck always gets my pussy juices flowing.

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Doggie Style

Masturbilia  

When you rebooty, you aren’t after the relationship again. This is the only seriously tricky part of doing a rebooty. You have to be significantly over your ex in order to cash in on the booty part. If you still have residual feelings for him or her, you’re more than likely going to screw yourself if you screw them. And while that sounds hot it’s really more of a disaster.

The good thing about having a rebooty is that you can obviously choose the best lover out of your ex’s and go for that person. Hopefully they aren’t in a relationship or didn’t dump you because you were bad in bed. Remember, it’s your responsibility to continue to work on your skills and techniques in the sack. You don’t want lose out on some sweet past, present, or future pussy because someone’s heard that you weren’t good at licking clit. If you ever have doubts about your skills or worry that you aren’t fully satisfying the chicks you’re fucking, talk to them about it. If you level with them and say that you really just want to improve your technique, they will be totally into teaching you what to do. And keep in mind that every chick is different and you will have to be open to re-learning how to fuck each chick you hook up with. The nice thing about a rebooty is that you (hopefully, if you’re smart and learned the first time) can blow her mind because you know what gets her off.

I’ve never actually rebootied. I mean, I tried to once but it just landed me back in the relationship, which was cool because it was casual, but then she wanted more and more commitment and I finally had to just end the thing. I tend not to see my ex’s again and probably that’s for the best. As much as I wish them well, I don’t really want to hang out with them. I want to look for new boobs and new pussies. I was to lick and suck perky new nipples and fuck some new assholes. So rebooties aren’t really for me.

1. My ex called me to see if I wanted to come over and have a glass of wine at her place. That’s a little suspicious in and of itself, but she called me at one in the morning. And when I got there she didn’t actually have any wine. And she was naked. I think she’s trying for a rebooty.

2. I rebooties my ex and blow his mind hole. Now he totally regrets dumping me for that slut who doesn’t give blowjobs.

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Booty Call

Ex-Box 

One of the many benefits of rear entry is that when you’re bending someone over the back of a couch, toilet tank, or kitchen table, you’re in the perfect position to see someone’s beautifully shaped booty. Not to mention, if you happen to be really drunk and accidentally took home a double bagger, you won’t even need that extra grocery bag because from that angle you can’t see their face.

It’s also an ideal position to give a guy or a girl a reach around while you fuck them from behind, ensuring that you’ll get off as well and you won’t have to get down on your knees and give them 45 minutes of monotonous oral sex after you’ve already blown your load.

Another benefit, particularly for hetero men, is that you’re in the perfect position for playing with those fun bags. Provided the girl you’re fucking has at least a C cup, you can easily reach forward, grab a firm hold of her dangling tits, and use them for leverage or pure entertainment as you keep plowing her.

One of my favourite techniques to perform while fucking a girl from behind who likes it rough, is to grab a hold of her ponytail or pigtails, pull her head back, and make her scream, known as “grabbing the reins.” Of course, make sure the girl actually enjoys hair pulling before you try this, because if she doesn’t like it, your balls are in an extremely vulnerable position for a swift donkey kick or a hardy kungfu grip as she reaches underneath.

Another fun and exciting thing about rear entry is that it makes it much more possible to be the “bull rider.” Bull riding happens when you’re fucking a girl from behind, you grab onto both her hips, and start fucking her as fast as you can jackhammer style until she’s screaming and shaking all over. The idea is that when she finally climaxes, she’ll literally try to buck herself off of your dick because the feeling gets too intense. Your goal is to hold on, and keep riding.

1. Whenever I use the rear entry on my girlfriend, she always turns her head all the way around and stares at me intensely while I fuck her. To be honest, it creeps me out. She looks kind of like the girl from the exorcist when her head spins around.

2. If the front door happens to be closed for monthly renovations, then the rear entry will work just as well, provided she’s into anal. If she’s not, then its time to man up and get yourself some red wings.

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Back Door 

Doggie Style

I grew up on a farm, so I can tell you that even today young men and women are taking blankets out into the fields to have some sexy times. Nowadays they’re hopefully practicing safe sex by having the guy spray his cum all over the corn or whatever is growing, rather than up the lady’s vagina.

And who knows – maybe next season there’s a half corn/half human monstrosity growing out where you sprayed your load. Then you can sell it to the local traveling circus for a pretty penny. It’ll be shown and mistreated in the freak show, just like the Elephant Man was. I wonder if he had elephantiasis everywhere. If so, he must have been a hit with the ladies. He could really “pack” a “truck” if you know what I mean.

Yeah, you know what I mean.

In case you don’t think that old time poetry is relevant, I’ve decided to give you a line-by-line translation into modern lingo so you can see that it can still speak to today’s generation:

Now is the month of maying, (Now is the time for sex)
When merry lads are playing, fa la, (When horny guys are looking, hell ya)
Each with his bonny lass (Each with a slutty girl)
Upon the greeny grass. Fa la. (Smoking some chronic herb, hell ya)

The Spring, clad all in gladness, (Spring means short skirts)
Doth laugh at Winter’s sadness, fa la, (So fuck you, Winter, hell ya)
And to the bagpipe’s sound (And the thumpin’ club beat)
The nymphs tread out their ground. Fa la. (Where the sluts shake they ass, hell ya)

Fie then! why sit we musing, (Fuck it! Let’s get moving)
Youth’s sweet delight refusing? Fa la. (Eighteen year old pussy is juicy, hell ya)
Say, dainty nymphs, and speak, (Are you sluts on the pill?)
Shall we play at barley-break? Fa la. (Because it’s time to fuck, hell ya)

See? When you put it in today’s vernacular, it’s actually kind of a hot poem. And in my opinion, if poetry is going to stay relevant in the twenty-first century, it’s got to mention eighteen year old juicy pussy.

1. While I was visiting my cousin’s farm I met a cool woman that lived with her husband in the farmhouse on the next plot of land. She and I hit it off, so we had a Roll in the Hay while her husband was in town buying pesticide.

2. Bring a blanket for any Roll in the Hay.

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Carpenter’s Dream

Fuck

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A Rim Job is any sexual activity between one person’s mouth and tongue, and another person’s asshole and taint. It can involve licking, sucking, tonguing, or gentle nibbling in and around the anus.

Because of the obvious sanitary issues that arise after giving someone or getting a rim job, there is something called “rim job etiquette” that should be followed. Once you’ve had someone’s tongue inside your asshole, pushing in and out, do you want to kiss them once they’re finished? This is a conversation you should have before the rim job begins. Tell the person if you’d prefer it if they rinsed their mouth out a few times with your antiseptic mouthwash before you start making out. Or, if you don’t give a care, let them know that too.

I usually ask the women that swallow my load after giving me a blowjob to brush their teeth before they kiss me, and they always understand. So don’t be shy.

If you’re going to get a rim job from someone, you should have what is known as “rim job honor”. This is the common courtesy of thoroughly cleaning and sanitizing your anus before the sexual times begin. Take a good long shit to completely clear out the anal canal of poops. Then, take a shower and wash your crack and asshole really well. Feel free to soap the inside of your anus with a sudsy finger or two. The person giving you the rim job later in the evening will give it some extra effort if it’s clean and smells nice.

If you and the other person both enjoy a little mouth-on asshole action, you can engage in a mutual rim job. It’s the same as a sixty-nine, except that you focus on the other person’s crust cave, rather than their genitals. Make sure you keep your tongue quarantined to the woman’s asshole, and don’t accidentally lick her pussy too. She could end up with poop particles in her vagina, leading to infection. Unless it’s a one-night stand. Then, who gives a care.

Analingus is also known as “tossing salad” in prison. This is because originally the prisoners would coat their anus with salad dressing to make it slightly more palatable for the person performing the analingus. I always thought it wouldn’t be half bad for gay criminals, because the gay sex in prison is what they enjoy anyway.

For safety concerns during a rim job, you can use a dental dam. That’s a thin piece of latex that you keep in between the anus and the tongue. If you can’t find any dental dams, using a piece of plastic wrap can work, although tearing and bacterial penetration can occur.

1. There is nothing hotter than a young, legal, porn starlet bending over and receiving a thorough Rim Job from an even hotter young, legal porn star. Lesbian analingus is nasty and awesome.

2. When Kerri got drunk enough, there was nothing off-limits for her. She stuck her tongue as deep as she could get it in my ass during a surprise Rim Job.

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Analingus

Tossing Salad

But now people use them in the bedroom to add a little pain play with their partner.

God bless pain play.

It is a pretty iconic symbol for people into BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, and S&M), particularly for the dominant partner. The slave or sub doesn’t ever get to touch the riding crop. They get beaten by it, unless they’re obedient. Actually, even if they’re obedient, you might want to give them a few whacks on the ass until it glows cherry red, just to remind them of who is in charge. Yeah. That’s the good stuff, baby.

The riding crop is a great toy for beginners who are interested in trying out some BDSM in their sex lives. You obviously want to start easy, giving only light whacks with it until the person you’re hitting says they can take more. Experiment and explore, using the pain to heighten the experience of sex with your partner. Some people find the balance between exquisite pain and sexual pleasure to make the BDSM experience almost transcendent.

Plus, you can switch back and forth between Dom and Sub to see if you enjoy playing both roles. If you do, then you are what is called a “Switch”. Most people find that one or the other sexual roles suits them best, but I am definitely a switch. I can find pleasure in administering some sharp smacks with a riding crop, but also enjoy masturbating while my Mistress hits my ass until it’s nice and sore.

Good times.

Obviously before you start any type of pain play, you and your partner should talk about it first. Don’t surprise your lady with a ball gag and dildo mask. Talk about what you want to try, and make sure to establish a safe word. That way, if someone isn’t having a good time, you can immediately stop, talk some more, and find out what went wrong. Safety is key, and is easy to maintain, even in the midst of some pretty painful play.

And, since the buttocks is a pretty safe area for flogging, feel free to give it some smarting smacks. Just keep an ear out for that safe word. In case you need a suggestion for a safe word that probably won’t come up in the course of normal sexual activity, I recommend “beatlemania”.

1. Keith used his Riding Crop to teach Doris a thing or two about obedience.

2. I used a special Riding Crop on Kim Kardashian’s huge ass.

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BDSM

S&M