Quiff is a British pejorative slang term for a homosexual, or an effeminate male. I know what you’re thinking, aren’t all British males effeminate? You’re not far off, but there are a few exceptions, such as Sean Connery or Hugh Jackman (despite recent rumors circulated by homosexual fans wishing he was gay).
It is a hard thing to measure, but one can usually tell a Quiff a mile away. For example, if you ask a man for the time, and he turns his wristwatch inward with a closed fist, then he is not a Quiff; he’s straight. If, however, he turns his wrist outward with all five fingers splayed open like a blonde showing off her engagement ring, then he is definitely a Quiff.
Another easy way to tell if a man is a Quiff or not is simply by the hairstyle. A common hairstyle in the 1920’s and 1950’s was actually called the Quiff, which was a combination of a pompadour, a crew cut, and sometimes even a Mohawk. Traditionally, the hair was short in the back, with a huge roll over on the front, usually held together with gel. Now, despite the irony, if a man is seen with this hairstyle, he’s straight as Don Cherry (if he actually wore straight guy clothes). Many manly, straight males wore this hairstyle, including Elvis Presley, or the more subtle form adorned by Kevin Bacon in his earlier films. If, however, the man is sporting a Quiff-like hairstyle, but instead of gelling the front he lets it fall limp-wristedly down his forehead, then he is definitely gay.
There are some common misconceptions around the word Quiff as well, predominately around spelling and pronunciation. If you pronounce it “Kweeef” then you’re calling Elvis’ hairstyle a ‘pussy fart.” Not cool. He was the King. A pussy fart is spelled differently as well, in two variations: a quief, or a quif, so be careful when you’re texting your friends while you ride the streetcar.
Similarly, if you call someone a Quiff on the Eastern Shores of Canada, you will actually be calling them a ‘cunt’ in a very harsh manner. Another word often mistaken for Quiff is ‘quaff,’ which refers to either a disgusting belch right before vomiting, or in porno when a woman tries too hard to swallow her man’s cock, and she ends up gagging and spewing saliva and drool down her face and neck.
If you need more clarification and expertise on the various spellings and types of quiffs, rumours are spreading on amazon.ca that John Travolta is currently writing a book on the history, etymology, and evolution of this popular men’s hairstyle, coincidentally worn in his first major film, Grease. When asked why he was writing such a retarded book, Travolta said, “It’s better than The Book of Scientology, and I’m pretty sure I’ll never star in a film again.”
1. Rumor has it that Hugh Jackman is a Quiff, but when confronted with this question by a reporter, he shredded the guy’s throat with his massive, titanium claws.
2. If you’re a male riding on a streetcar and another male of the same age offers you a seat next to him, he’s definitely a Quiff, and he probably thinks you are too.
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