This can happen in a variety of ways. It might involve a co-worker, or perhaps a boss. If you’re the blowjob giver, you may be on the lookout for a promotion opportunity, but perhaps your boss is really only into promoting you if you do this one little job for him. Maybe you aren’t that good at your job, or you’re a little on the scatterbrained side, or maybe you just would rather give head than do the paperwork that comes with your job. Maybe you’re just super good at giving blowjobs and you’d rather do that than do the actual job you were hired for. And maybe, because you ARE so damn good at giving blow jobs, your boss will set you up with a job that involves nothing BUT blowjobs (and the occasional ass pounding). This way you don’t really have to answer the phones or respond to work emails, you can pretty much just live under your boss’s desk all day.

When you’re quid pro blowing someone, it’s important to make sure that your end of the bargain is filled. It’s also crucial that you keep your blowjob skills and techniques up to date. Another chick or dude could easily fill your position that does crazy things with his/her tongue, or has a super long throat canal that a ten to fifteen inch dick can slide all the way down like a snake. You might want to invest in some blowjob classes from one of those adult dildo stores. They can teach you some mad skills that will make sure your recipient won’t lose interest in you and move on to someone else. This could potentially keep you in the quid pro quo-job business for as long as you like. It may even help you find the love of your life! This is what blowjobs do! They TOTALLY bring people together and form unions and communities and amazing connections and it’s all because cock is delicious and every chick needs to get some jizz down her throat.

1. I met my husband through a little quid pro quo-job. I was blowing his best friend who just happened to be my next-door-neighbor. It was so much easier to blow him and get him to mow my lawn and clean out my gutters than to do any of that shit myself. One day his friend stopped by to drop something off. It turned into one of those wild threesome blowjobs that always happens when two dudes and a chick are in the same room together. The next day my husband asked me out to dinner and we’ve been inseparable ever since! Sometimes his best friend comes over for a little something something when my husband is out of town. It works.

2. I just did my first quid pro quo-job and I can’t seem to get the cum out from between my teeth.

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Blowjob

Cock Snot 

Queer bait is also used as a term for super attractive men who attract other men. So, say you’re a gay dude and you’re going to a party and you aren’t super hot yourself, you might want to bring a hot male friend who will attract all the gays. Then you can start chatting up one of them. The other option in this scenario is to fuck your hot friend. He might be straight, but you were once ‘straight’ too, weren’t you?

There’s also a term known as ‘queer baiting’. This is when a politician, pundit, or other public figure brings up the completely irrelevant detail about a person’s sexuality, true or untrue, as a way of subtly channeling homophobia to attack them. This happens all the time in our society. People are constantly nit-picking people’s sexuality, trying to formulate rumors about various people as a way of discrediting them. Another thing that happens all the time is that closeted gay politicians are constantly doing public queer bashing just to keep themselves from being outed. Meanwhile they’re hiring young boys to felate them and sneaking around behind their wives’ backs. Take Rick Santorum for example. That dude is clearly a fag, though not a fag that I’d ever want to hang out with cause he’s so full of self-hatred. He’d also make for terrible queer bait, except with the other self-hating homos.

1. I was at Banana Republic the other day and this dude was trying on all sorts of sweaters that made him look super hot. Like, I’m sure he was gay because I’ve never seen anyone look gayer than this dude did. He would be super hot queer bait.

2. I’m a bit worried about my son. He’s grown up into such a proud little queer and I think he’s amazing. The only problem is that he basically looks like queer bait. He’s small and thin and blonde, but he’s got a hard little body and a tight ass that any dude would probably go crazy for. Also he’s got this beautiful, smooth, fair complexion that he inherited from my side of the family. He looks just like he did when he was an adorable newborn. It’s hard for me to not saying anything to him when he goes out with his friends, dressed in a super tight t-shirt and skinny jeans. He puts glitter in his hair and he wears mascara, just enough to look a little feminine. I’m sure tons of guys between the ages of twenty and sixty are hitting on him on a regular basis. I’m just worried he’s going to be taken advantage of or get his heart broken. And he’s such a genuine person. He needs to toughen up and develop a bigger radar for assholes.

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Fudge Packer

Gay

There are certain responsibilities that come with being the Queen Skank in the queer community. You have to be super bitchy to anyone who talks to you. You CANNOT leave the house without your make-up on. You can leave the house with curlers in your hair and in a housecoat and slippers, but you MUST have make up on, even if it’s running all over your face and you look like a fucked up coke addict. You have to use hand gestures. You should probably consider getting an eating disorder, or at least making it look like you have one. You must pretend to hate and be totally grossed out by anal sex, or anything anal related. In the privacy of your bedroom you can get pegged as much as you like and to your hearts desire, but you have to carry out all kinds of judgment in the public eye about when it comes to ass pounding. You must own a tiny dog. This dog has to have some form of glitter and jewels on its body and should normally be tucked into your purse. You obviously will need a tiara, so get on that immediately. You need some skanky girlfriends who worship you in public and have a serious hate on for you in private. They need to be jealous and a little stupid. You should have a boyfriend whose super butch and who you don’t actually have sex with because the dude you’re actually fucking is, like, this fifty-year-old fat fag who’s balding and works as an accountant for Disney.

In order to get the high rank of Queen Skank you have to be all of these things and more. Like Lady Gaga, you have to perform as a queen at all times. You cannot throw on sweat pants if you need to go to the store for milk and you certainly can’t play sports or listen to Nickleback or let your leg hair grow out. You need to wish desperately that you had a vagina but hate that non-existent vagina at the same time. You need to have a therapist, but not a shrink. Most of all, you need to be righteous, all the time.

1. My gay best friend has just been promoted to Queen Skank! She totally deserves it. She’s a total bitch-whore and she constantly makes me feel bad about my looks and my body. I love her so much.

2. I’m going to be the Queen Skank as soon as I kill the bitch that currently holds the title. She’s such a slut.

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Gay

Queer

A rarely successful and often attempted sex act. During said act, a male inserts his penis into a flatulent female partner’s anus, at which point the female attempts to fart whilst the male’s penis in still inserted. With nowhere else for the fart gas to go, it enters the male’s dick hole. At this point, the male removes his penis from the woman’s anus, and farts the woman’s own fart gas back out from his dick hole.

Queen Latifah is, of course, also known as the righteous black babe who sings, dances, acts, and raps and it basically one of the raddest chicks out there.

As for men farting through their dicks…well, I’ve never been privileged to witness such a precious and intimate moment, but when I do I’ll be sure to tell you all about it. I did, however, hear a story from a friend about an old ex-boyfriend of hers who could make orange juice shoot of his dick like jizz, but that’s a whole other story.

Most women are petrified to fart during sex but guys usually dig it. Like, not all guys, but certainly the ones who want to do a Queen Latifah are into it. Fart play should definitely have its place in the BDSM community. Or in someone’s ridiculous community, either way.

If you find your man really wanting this but you have a difficult time producing enough gas, you could always learn to imitate the noise through armpit farting or using your lips. You could bring in a few whoopee cushions and plant them all over the house so it seems like you’re farting every time you sit down. You could also plant stink bombs to go off whenever you enter the room. Another option is to hire a kid to come and fart in the house so it smells like someone’s been seriously gassing up the place. Then your boyfriend will be totally turned on and want to fuck you in your ass immediately.

1. The last time my boyfriend and I had sex he tried to give me a Queen Latifah but when I tried to fart I ended up shitting all over his cock.

2. I love Queen Latifah. She’s such a hot babe and she’s not afraid to strut her stuff and show off her body. When my boyfriend asked me if I wanted a Queen Latifah for my birthday I totally thought he meant the plastic Queen Latifah doll. I was so excited and jumped up and down, clapping my hands with glee. When he was fucking my ass later that night he begged me to fart while his cock was in my ass and I didn’t understand why, but I like pleasing him so I farted and it rippled along his cock and made him cum. It smelled like curry. When he pulled out his dick, some jizz trickled out and then a poof of thick air. It smelled just like my fart.

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Fart Hammer

Queef

There’s nothing tastier than a cheesy vagina, except maybe a fondue with hot melted cheese and bread. Once when I was fourteen, I was eating fondue at a restaurant with my family in Quebec City and my aunt leaned over to me and said, ‘this pot of cheese totally smells like pussy, don’t you think?’ It was kind of awkward cause I was mid chew and suddenly it DID smell like pussy and it definitely tasted like pussy and I wasn’t quite sure if I wanted to keep eating. When I finally did eat pussy several years later I had to phone up my aunt halfway through and tell her that no, I really didn’t think that cheese smelled anything like pussy. She had no clue what I was talking about so I hung up and went back to licking clit. It was delicious.

If I was going to put something into my girlfriend’s snatch it would definitely be cheese. Hot stringy melted Swiss or Monterrey Jack (but nothing too hot – I wouldn’t want to burn her) and then I would eat all that cheese out of her gapping hole. I might stand around with hunks of bread and dip it the way the little French children did. Seems like a lovely French custom. The other thing I would put in her vag would be lamb stew, just because it’s delicious. I could lap up all that rich stew made with maple stout and giant chunks of lamb and carrot and potato. Maybe I’d even pour some plain yoghurt on top to add a tartness to the whole deal.

1. Last night my girlfriend queefed after sex and it smelled like moldy cheese. I asked her what was up and she looked totally embarrassed. She explained to me that she’s French and her mom taught her that she should keep strong cheese in her pussy until she found the right man. That way, all the other men would be repelled by her stench. I told her I loved the smell of her cheesy queef cordon bleus and I licked her pussy. She tasted like fondue and five-day-old gym socks. Delicious.

2. I’m going to have a queef cordon blue for dinner tonight. My girlfriend’s gonna fart out of her pussy and I’m going to stick my face down there so I can smell her stinky cunt.

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Queef

Quim 

The queef is a powerful tool, which can be used to repel a dude or attract him, depending on how it’s used. Obviously if you project a nugget onto him he’s likely going to want out of there as quickly as possible. But if he pulls his dick out of you and you let out a few soft and adorable queefs, he’s just going to feel proud because that means he pounded your pussy good. Since a queef is the directly result of air getting trapped in your pussy, a dude has to give you a really intense fucking in order to make that happen. Just like female ejaculation, pussy queefs can be a serious turn on.

1. I was fucking this chick I picked up at this biker bar the other night. She was hot but in a gross way. Like, she had an awesome tight body, but it was a little too tight and a little overly tanned, so she ended up looking twice as old as she actually was, and kind of on the leathery side, like a purse. Anyway, I was fucking her pussy and she kept begging me to pound her harder and harder. She was screaming with pleasure and I didn’t want to disappoint so I banged her the way my brother told me that girl’s love. I had her on her hands and knees and fucked her stupid in that position for a while. Then I hoisted her legs up over my shoulders and just fucked her silly while she was on her back. I came super hard and it was totally awesome, but when I pulled out of her she came too and a fucking queef nugget made up of some other dude’s old stinky jizz came hurdling out of her and hit me in the eye. I had to go the hospital and now I have an eye infection and I have to wear a patch over my eye. Luckily that patch has gotten me laid, like twenty times in the last three months. I guess I should call up queefie and thank her.

2. This fucking queef nugget totally cut me off today so I followed her home to give her a piece of my mind. She ended up inviting me in for a drink and we fucked like crazy on her dinning room table! Yeah, that shit really happened! I got her number and I think I’m going to see her again. I guess I should find out her name so I can stop calling her queef nugget.

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Cooch

Queef 

#1. Queen I’d Like to Fuck

This is fairly straightforward. There are a lot of sexy queens out there (and yes, I’m talking about ALL QUEENS…this includes those of the royal variety and those of the homo variety), and most of them are pretty righteous. Yes, some are dead, but if you can just ignore that silly little detail then you’ve got a whole whack of mad hot queens you can fuck. My top queens of choice are, Queen Victoria (I’m pretty sure she knew how to fuck since she ruled just like a hopped up on power dude plus she was the longest reining monarch in Britain’s history), Queen Latifah (DAMN, Queen L is mad sexy and knows how to work her milk chocolate magic), Queens University (yeah, I went there and I fucked a whole bunch of Queens students….don’t judge) and pretty much all drag queens because their legs and tits are almost always hotter than mine.

#2. Quaker I’d Like to Fuck

There aren’t many of these out there, because there aren’t that many Quakers who aren’t total flakers, but there are a few. For example, Maggie from Six Feet Under was a Quaker and while she was annoying and had kind of a ferret face, the shot of her in her black lacy underwear showed that she has a super hot ass.

#3. Queers I’d Like to Fuck

God there are so many queers I’d love to fuck. Like basically anyone who is femme queer and has a cute faux hawk or some other dykey kind of haircut, any chick who does roller derby, and all queers who like to dance. My favourite queers are the ones who are all punk and alternative and feminist and like to date and fuck multiple women and who will spread their legs at a moment’s notice.

And last but certainly not least…

#4. Quadriplegic I’d Like to Fuck.

I don’t actually know very many Quadriplegic’s but I heard that they can have mad awesome orgasms by someone stimulating the underside of their knees. For that reason alone I kind of want to get with one just to see what it would be like to give someone a knee orgasm.

1. Man, that chick is mad hot. I know she’s a big dyke but I’d love to see how she takes a pounding from my giant straight white upper-middle class privileged cock. She’s a total QILF (Queer I’d Like to Fuck).

2. My girlfriend is a QILF (Quadriplegic I’d Like to Fuck). Luckily I AM fucking her on, like, a regular basis. The only problem is that basically every dude out there keeps hitting on her and because she’s in a wheelchair it’s hard for her to get away from them. She’s tried wheeling away slowly (kind of like backing away slowly) but they just follow her blindly without realizing that she’s not into them. I gave her a spray bottle filled with Lysol. Hopefully that does the trick.

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Dilf

Milf

Am I suggesting that just you should just go home after work on Friday, watch some Monica Sweetheart anal porn clips, masturbate, and then fall asleep to some Leonard Cohen compilations? No. Has that been a tried-and-true problem-free Friday night for me many times in the past? You betcha.

When I do that sort of Friday night, you know what happens Saturday morning? Nothing. I sleep in and then go out for brunch. However, if I decide to go out on Friday night instead of just falling asleep, there’s the chance that there could be a very different Saturday morning. Oh sure, I could go to the bar and pick up a slut and fuck her all night on Friday. It could be a magical sexual exploration that culminates in a world class orgasm for me and her.

But then we fall asleep, and wake up on Saturday together.

Maybe it was the alcohol talking the night before, and suddenly instead of me being in bed with an eight out of ten, she’s dropped to a fat four. Maybe she pissed herself in the night. Maybe the condom broke, and she’s crying because she’s worried I gave her a baby. Maybe she doesn’t get the hint and hangs around me all day long. Maybe she got too drunk, and worries that her ex-con boyfriend is going to kill us both when she goes home.

Maybe I left the webcam on, and broadcast our sex together to all my friends and family. Maybe they saw me let her peg me with a strap-on dildo. Maybe they saw me give her a glass-bottom boat on my dead grandma’s heirloom quilt that I got at her funeral. Maybe she’s bat-shit crazy, and now I’ve got a world-class headache in my life for the next three years. Maybe I’ve fallen in love with her, but she’s married. Maybe she’s my best friend’s wife.

You see what I mean? You never know what you’re going to get on Saturday morning unless you just go to sleep on Friday night. It’s boring and safe.

Personally, I like nailing a random bar slut on a Friday night, but I’m a little crazy myself. Plus, it’s all going shit house this year, according to the Mayans, so who really cares anyway?

Have fun and stay safe, either way!

1. In my twenties I partied. In my thirties, I live by Qui Dormit, Non Peccat.

2. Latin lovers never use the Latin phrase Qui Dormit, Non Peccat.

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Abstinence

Slut

I can respect that.

Halloween is one of my favorite holidays as well. I’m not gay, but I can totally understand why they’re into Halloween in a big way. Firs of all, you get to wear whatever you want, and it’s ok. In fact, the more outrageous the outfit the better. This sounds tailor-fit to your stereotypical outrageous gay guy. Nobody stares at you on Halloween any more or less than the other people, so you can wear your crotch-less underwear with pride.

Plus, all the other people at the masked ball or orgy are all dressed sexy too. That’s huge. Halloween is all about eye candy. That’s why I love going to a club and watching the girls dance on Halloween. They’re all slutted up in their sexy outfits and bouncing up and down to the rhythm of the music. You find one that looks slightly chubby and lonely, and take her back to her home to have lots of anonymous sex.

When she wakes up, you’re gone. All she remembers is that she was with the Big Lebowski last night. The perfect fuck and chuck.

And that’s what I assume gay guys like about Queen’s Christmas. You go to a masked ball and find a guy with abs and a huge dick. You flirt for a little while, and then head back to his place. A little gay sex here, and a little gay sex there, and soon enough it’s sunrise. You sneak out and all they can remember is that he was with the Big Lebowski last night. The perfect gay fuck and chuck.

The phrase Queen’s Christmas is based on the gay term “queen”. It’s not based on any actual queen, whose Christmas is actually going to be Christmas. A queen, in gay terms, is a flamboyant gay man with overly effeminate qualities. Think that black guy in “Revenge of the Nerds”. Before you get on your high horse and judge queens for their behavior and fashion, remember that the black queen from “Revenge of the Nerds” did the rap at the end during their talent show, and they won!

Talk about gay pride!

The one thing that neither gays nor straights like about Halloween is the trick-or-treaters. Oh sure, some people say they love to get up a million times to shell out free candy to the neighborhood snot noses, but they’re lying. What they really want is to drop the kids off at their grandparent’s for the night, and for the wife to get in her naughty nurse outfit to play some “doctor” until the sun comes up.

1. I live below a gay guy, and he had a loud party for Queen’s Christmas this year.

2. Someone will always dress up like Freddie Mercury at Queen’s Christmas.

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Anal Sex

Gay

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Pussy fart, the expulsion of air from the vagina, usually the result of air trapped in the pussy during sexual intercourse. Queefs may cause embarrassment or amusement during sex, but we don’t think a Queef should ever spoil the fun of sex. If you’re lady ever Queefs during sex and looks the slightest bit embarrassed, make her feel better by cutting a huge fart of your own, then keep fucking her. Now that’s togetherness!

1. I wish my nose was in my belly button, so I could smell Adrienne’s Queefs better.

2. Lindsey let rip with the biggest Queef after I fucked her last night. My dick must be some kind of air hammer.

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Pussy

VBF