A powerful spell that women are put under about once every month, which gives them the strength of an ox, the stability of a Window’s OS, and the scream of a banshee. Basically, man’s worst nightmare. A period of pure agony for a female, lasting way too long. Signs of this state include screaming at anything that moves, rolling around on the couch in pain, and spending hours with cold water and stain remover.
A period is also, a useful thing that ends a sentence.
The best thing to do if you’re a woman (and therefore a PMS haver), is to track your cycles and get to know when the worst of it strikes. Make sure to be stocked up on chocolate and beer during those times. Turn off the phone and watch some sad sac romantic comedies like Bridesmaids or Knocked Up. Cry as much as you possibly can, just get it all out. Wrap a warm leopard print blanket around you and keep several boxes of Kleenex around. Make a pot of strong hot peppermint tea, take a double dose of Tylenol 3 and keep chocolate within reach. Order in for dinner, do NOT attempt to cook. You’ll just fuck it up and get angry with yourself and the likelihood of broken dishes is high. If you’re in a relationship but you don’t live together, send your boyfriend away for a few days. If you’re living together, send him away for a few days. Try not to talk to anyone or be seen by anyone or have anyone overly aware of your existence. Get your friend to take your cat if you can. Call in sick from work if you can. Go outside as little as possible, lest the public eye gets a glimpse of your wild greasy hair and the chocolate smears on your face.
The best thing to do if you’re a man is to stay the fuck out of her way when she’s PMS-ing. It doesn’t matter who she is, if she’s your girlfriend or your sister or your mom, you need to get the fuck out. But as you’re on your way out the door, be sure to leave any chocolate/beer/potato chips/hair scrunchies/sweatpants etc. that you own. Don’t be stingy. This isn’t the time to hold back out of spite.
1. My girlfriend’s PMS is totally out of control. Last night she cried for, like, six hours because she wasn’t sure if there was a cat heaven. Then this morning she fucked me until I could barely move. I ended up skipping work cause I was sore from all the pegging and she found me taking a nap and smacked me in the face awake wanting to know why I had decided to cheat on her. I didn’t know what the fuck she was talking about until she pulled out my wallet and showed me a picture of my sister begging to know who the ‘other woman’ was. I had to force feed her chocolate tonight just to get her off my back.
2. PMS: Pretty Mentally Screwed
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