The process of washing just the armpit area and the private area with a washcloth or handful of water. People will ask you to define a pirate bath, the easy definition is “pits and privates” This most often occurs when you’ve gone home from someone from the bar. You’re likely fairly loaded (or at least a little bit tipsy) and you really want to fuck this dude but your sober enough to be self-conscious of how you smell. You’ve been dancing most of the night and therefore sweating. You’ve also been hanging outside with the smokers a little bit and at one point some chick accidentally dumped her cosmopolitan down the front of your shirt so now you’re kind of sticky and smell like sweat, body odor, and sour cranberry juice. You definitely want to clean up a bit and you aren’t drunk enough to feel free from your own self-esteem. You can duck into his bathroom and (hopefully) find something to do a quick washing of the pits and privates so you can emerge fresh as a daisy.
Another case where pirate bathing comes in handy is when you’re traveling, particularly when you’re in a place where the public showers are pretty creepy and gross and you just don’t love the idea of showering in the same general area where someone else washed their dirty parts. Public bathrooms are kind of nasty in general since you really have no idea where anyone’s been and if they’re keeping their nastiness to themselves. It’s nice to have the option of just quickly spot washing and getting the fuck out of there.
Another time when pirate baths are crucial is when you come home from work and you’re exhausted and you have pit stains and greasy hair but you don’t have time to shower before you run out to meet your newest blind date. You can tie your hair back and maybe put in some kind of fascinator for distraction and then do a quick pirate bath to clean up and change your clothes. Just make sure you reapply deodorant too.
1. I went home with this dude once and I knew I kind of stunk cause I was dancing all night so I went into his bathroom to have a quick pirate bath. I grabbed a washcloth from the cabinet and a mouse went flying past my head! I freaked out fell over myself into the bathtub and into a pile of mouse droppings. I ran out of there screaming. The creepiest part was that when I ran past him he was on the living room couch jerking off to some porn.
2. My grandmother only does pirate baths. She thinks I’m wasteful for showering every day. I tried to explain to her that it’s the 21st century and that’s how people are now, but she claims that she only washes her hair once a month and it’s perfectly clean. Of course, the other day I saw an earwig crawl out from under her hair, but she claims it was a breadcrumb. I’m not entirely sure why that’s better.
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