Apparently this is a term for male masturbation. When a dude jacks off, he’s holding his dick in the palm of his hand. Hence, PALMela HANDerson. Clever, eh? Not really. Whoever thought up this term has a lot of time on his hands and lives in his parents’ basement. Not that I’m judging. I lived in my parents’ basement for most of my early twenties, but let’s be clear, I never came up with this term.
So if you’re a dude and you said you spent your Saturday night with Palmela Handerson, it means you jerked off your cock. And I imagine you’re thinking about the real Pamela Anderson while jerking it.
It’s weird that, in our culture, there’s about fifty billion ways to describe guy’s jerking off but hardly any for women. Like, I guess ‘rub one out’ works for the ladies, and I tend to use jerking off to apply to myself because, well, why not? It’s like how the Inuit have, like, a thousand words for ice and only one word for snow, or a thousand words for snow and only one for rain or something like that. Clearly I’ve researched this thoroughly.
It’s funny that we have all these secret terms for masturbation and we don’t have a zillion weird secret terms for, like, cleaning the cat box. When I clean the cat box, I don’t call it, filling the kettle or flying the kite or cleaning up all the dead needles from the Christmas tree that’s still up in March. And all those tasks are called exactly that, not, holding a banana like it’s a phone. Also, we don’t replace regular sounding tasks with weird sexual phrases, though that would make life more interesting. Like what if every time I was surfing the Internet I called it ‘playing with my clit’. Or every time I was watching a movie (not porn, just a regular romantic comedy), I called it spanking my girlfriend’s ass. I watch a lot of movies. I spank a lot of ass.
I don’t think I really knew what jerking off meant until I was, like, thirteen. I think I thought it meant that someone was a jerk and they were going to off themselves or something. And the terms ‘jack off’, what is up with that? Are you pretending your dick or your hand is a jackhammer? What if your name is Jack? Or the term ‘walking the dog’? That one I’ve NEVER understood (though they do use it in the pilot episode of Dawson’s Creek and it brings tears to Joey’s eyes)…is your cock suppose to be a dog in this scenario? That seems really fucked.
1. What are you up to tonight? Billy asked. Oh, I’ll be hanging out with Palmela Handerson. You know, the usual.
2. I love doing a Palmela Handerson while I’m thinking about Pamela Anderson. She’s got the boobs with the most and her ass is the best thing since sliced bread and olives.
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