This term can be applied to plenty of people out there. Clearly everyone wants to get laid and those of us who aren’t in the ‘untouchable’ category, well we have to hedge our bets and see if we can rely on outside sources such as make-up, tight clothing, a full wallet, alcohol, and/or a nice car. If we can swing having any of those things our hotness level immediately goes up. What nobody tells you is that you can improve your looks by having something that someone else wants. So say you’re just kind of average looking but you’re a lawyer who works in private practice bringing in over two hundred and fifty thousand a year. With this knowledge you have suddenly become significantly more attractive. But what if, instead, you were a truck driver. Or a teacher in British Columbia where there are no jobs. Or a pig farmer. You suddenly don’t seem like that much of a catch. So many makes a huge difference in these situations.

Along with money comes material things. Even if you don’t have a ton of money, if you have a house and a sweet ride and maybe a giant flat screen TV in every room of your house including the bathroom, you’ve got something to work with. Of course if you have no money and a pile of debt AND all these material things, a person may think twice before hooking up with you. Of course if you’re hot, this changes everything. I’m talking about those who are average looking.

Speaking of average looking, most women are average looking. There are lots of sexy chicks and lots of hot chicks, but there aren’t many that are truly stunning when you take away their clothes and make-up and perfume. When they are just themselves stepping out of the shower with pimply skin and stretch marks….well, this is when you might think about the pig metaphor. But most average looking women can look hot with the right kind of make-up, clothes, hair accessories, etc. If not outright hot than definitely funky. And there’s something adorably hot about a funky quirky girl. In the end, everyone’s got options.

1. I keep trying to set my best friend up with a woman but I can’t seem to get anyone to go out with him. Even if I put a suit jacket on him and tell them he’s inherently wealthy it’s still like putting lipstick on a pig.

2. I put lipstick on a pig once. She licked it off and looked like a whore.

RELATED TERMS:

Leanne

Slumpbuster

A prostitute is a person who performs sexual acts for money. Traditionally this was a female-dominated field, but over the last several years male prostitutes have been working to service closeted gay men. You can find these male prostitutes (many of them are actually gay, but not all of them), in secluded parts of major cities, like Stanley Park in Vancouver for example. I was just walking through there in the evening the other night and ran into three men whom I was sure were about to murder me until the friend I was with informed me that I could stop clinging to his arm in fear because these dudes were likely more afraid of getting gay bashed than I was of being murdered. Slash, they were male prostitutes.

When we think of female prostitutes, we often think of Julia Roberts in the movie Pretty Woman. Either that or we think of Charlize Theron in Monster. Neither image is altogether accurate, although both are extremes and both do exist. The truth is, most prostitutes are hooking because they’ve gotten messed up with drugs and a pimp who is abusive and that’s how they can earn their money in order to get their next fix. Of course, there are plenty of women who are of the ‘higher end’ prostitute variety, who work at massage parlors or have their own business with their own cliental of highly wealthy business men who may not want to have to worry about holding down a relationship and don’t have the time to meet women but would like regular sex. And there are those men who are married but their wives are super vanilla, so once a month or once every six months they call up the trusty friend of a friend who started fucking men to pay her student loans back and decided she’d rather fuck men than try to get a job as an English Lit professor which probably wouldn’t happen anyway, and these men go to this woman because she’ll do all the freaky things his wife refuses to do, like spank him, god forbid.

The issue we’re all caught up with these days is whether or not to legalize prostitution. There is absolutely no reason why it shouldn’t be legalized. It’s a service that people want to pay for and it’s a career for many people. And women and men wouldn’t have to deal with nearly as many dangerous, abusive, or life-threatening situations if they had the law behind them, protecting them.

1. I belly dance and the last time I put on my dance costume before a performance my eighty-nine year old Grandmother called me a prostitute. It was a little awkward. Of course, she loved the show. Makes me wonder what she was doing in her youth.

2. If I were to change careers now I would totally go into prostitution. I love sex and I love making money. I also love being able to help make a dude’s dream come true when his wife has stopped blowing him years ago.

RELATED TERMS:

Harem

Hooker

Avoiding a pisshap is fairly difficult given that alcohol makes you piss like a racehorse and the more intoxicated a person gets, the less they have control over their bodily functions. One thing you can do if you’re hosting a party and you really don’t want your guests to start pissing everywhere is remind your guests to go to the washroom on a regular basis, say once an hour. Or perhaps you can get them dancing really hard so that their pee comes out as sweat instead, which TOTALLY happens, for reals.

The most unfortunate pisshap I have ever witnessed was when I accidentally walked into the men’s bathroom at a bar and saw two dudes having a serious pissing contest. Of course all of that piss ended up all over everything and I guess that was the point. Oh, and then there was that super creepy pisshap involving an ex who wanted to piss in my mouth and then have me spit the piss into his mouth. He wanted us to go back and forth like that and the if either of us accidentally swallowed said piss that person would have to bend over and take it.

1. Okay, so I’m super into chicks peeing in my mouth. I just love it. I love the way a woman hovers over me, her thighs vibrating a little bit from fear and pleasure, her beautiful bush opening up to reveal those delicious looking lips. And then that tinkling of her urine as she fills my mouth with sweet and salty yellow sunshine. The only bad part is when she’s got to go number two at the same time. I had a woman try to hold her bladder all day in anticipation of pissing on me later on that night. Unfortunately she had also held her bowels all day too. Needless to say, it was a bit of a pisshap.

2. My girlfriend wants me to pee on her pussy and then lick it off while I’m eating her pussy. I didn’t really want to do it, so I told her I’d only do it if I blindfolded her first, saying that I was too shy to pee in front of her. So I made some lemon tea and prepared to pour it over her pussy. Unfortunately, I didn’t really realize how I made the tea and as soon as I poured in onto her pussy she screamed and jumped up in pain. It was a total pisshap. She ended up with nasty burns on her lips and clit and totally dumped my ass.

RELATED TERMS:

Piss Play 

Watersports

Another case where pirate bathing comes in handy is when you’re traveling, particularly when you’re in a place where the public showers are pretty creepy and gross and you just don’t love the idea of showering in the same general area where someone else washed their dirty parts. Public bathrooms are kind of nasty in general since you really have no idea where anyone’s been and if they’re keeping their nastiness to themselves. It’s nice to have the option of just quickly spot washing and getting the fuck out of there.

Another time when pirate baths are crucial is when you come home from work and you’re exhausted and you have pit stains and greasy hair but you don’t have time to shower before you run out to meet your newest blind date. You can tie your hair back and maybe put in some kind of fascinator for distraction and then do a quick pirate bath to clean up and change your clothes. Just make sure you reapply deodorant too.

1. I went home with this dude once and I knew I kind of stunk cause I was dancing all night so I went into his bathroom to have a quick pirate bath. I grabbed a washcloth from the cabinet and a mouse went flying past my head! I freaked out fell over myself into the bathtub and into a pile of mouse droppings. I ran out of there screaming. The creepiest part was that when I ran past him he was on the living room couch jerking off to some porn.

2. My grandmother only does pirate baths. She thinks I’m wasteful for showering every day. I tried to explain to her that it’s the 21st century and that’s how people are now, but she claims that she only washes her hair once a month and it’s perfectly clean. Of course, the other day I saw an earwig crawl out from under her hair, but she claims it was a breadcrumb. I’m not entirely sure why that’s better.

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DTF

Slut 

Which is funny because making babies is just about the most unsexy act a person can do, but that’s another story.

A lot of people who are into BDSM are considered to be perverts in our society. Queers have been given that title for years. Basically anyone who isn’t simply satisfied with occasional missionary procreational sex. Which means everyone. We are all perverts. We’re perverts because secretly (or not so secretly) we love getting tied up, ass pounded, nipple clamped, and slapped on the ass. We love watching porn, alone and with our partners and lovers, and we love fucking while we watch porn. We lust after others no matter how monogamous we intend to be and we all secretly want to eat pussy and give blow jobs regardless of whether we’re straight or gay.

Women are actually more perverted than men, contrary to popular belief. It can take a while for a woman to open herself up to her own sexuality but once she does and once she unleashes it, she will do just about anything, to anyone and at any moment. Women love sex and sexuality and the power and life that come with it. Maybe it’s the special lady hormones, but women love giving blow jobs and being dominatrixes and eating pussy and getting bitch slapped and getting pounded hard. Women want it all. A woman can and will get off to watching just about anyone go at it. It could be a hot woman and a man together, or two gorgeous dudes, or even a stapler and a paper clip giving each other blow jobs. A woman can masturbate to just about any type of porn and any type of sex act no matter what her sexual orientation. Women are huge perverts. So if you get two women together (particularly two Scorpios, since everyone knows that the Scorpio is the sex sign), and you have one fuck of a hot sex life.

1. That dude is a pervert. He watched me undress through my window every night.

2. I’m such a pervert. Yesterday I had an orgasm on the bus because I was sitting over the engine and it was vibrating.

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Peep Show

Porn

We always imagine pedophiles to look like Stanley Tucci in The Lovely Bones (which makes sense because he TOTALLY looks like a crazy child molester/rapist/murderer and IS in fact all of those things), but a lot of pedophiles actually just look like regular people. A lot of them are attractive, nice looking white dudes who just happen to have a really nasty and really disturbing attraction to children. Which is obviously totally wrong and horrible and anyone who finds themselves actually attracted to kids needs to get help, like, immediately. Unfortunately there really aren’t very many options for people who find themselves in this sort of situation. It’s pretty hard to admit to even a therapist that you’re afraid of your own urges because they are ultimately wrong and abusive and could harm others because that therapist has an obligation to protect any children that she or he can and must report that person if she or he believes that their patient is likely to harm or abuse children.

So it’s tough to be a pedophile and actually try to seek help. Most people are happily ready to lock up pedophiles before they have committed any crimes. Of course the abuse of children is a horrible thing and anyone who abuses children must deal with some pretty severe consequences, but those who have urges but are doing whatever they can within their own power to prevent themselves from acting on those urges should be able to seek help without judgment.

Those pedophiles out there that are actively abusing children need to be put on some kind of island, so they can play out their own creepy version of survivor.

1. I caught my boyfriend looking at porn with chicks that look super young. Of course, they claim to be eighteen, but they look more like fourteen or fifteen. He’s always liked that smooth look and I have a gymnast’s body, so I’m super thin with tiny tits, but now I’m worried that he’s sick and perverted.

2. My landlord totally looks like a pedophile. I know he’s not cause I hear him fucking his gay stud (an older dude with grey hair) in his suite, which is directly above mine, but he’s just got that look, you know? The thinning hair, the wire rimmed glasses, the slight paunch. Of course, he probably just doesn’t know anything about fashion because he’s old and he’s from a certain era of dudes where everyone kind of looked like a pedophile. I guess my grandpa kind of had that look and he would never do anything to anyone (except my grandma, whom he loved to drill doggy style according to the sex diary I found in her chest after she died).

RELATED TERMS:

Paraphilia

Sadist

Everyone procrastinates but only pure geniuses procrasturbate. Those of us who understand the power being using masturbation as a procrastination method are clearly ahead of our time. You could eat gallons of ice cream or watch multiple episodes of Star Trek (or both, which would really be the ideal in that situation), but where would that get you? Fat and super addicted to Star Trek. Where does masturbation get you? Well, it gets you awesome orgasms, it helps you lose weight (especially if you have a cigarette right after), and it helps you stay in the game. So long as you don’t masturbate in weird freaky ways like sticking your dick in between the mattress and the box spring and fucking the shit out of it. Not that there’s anything wrong with that but you’re likely to end up looking like some kind of fucked up Jiminy Cricket. Again, not that there’s anything wrong with that…

Those who do the most procrasturbating are those in the public service. There are a lot of boring times where you have to push a shit ton of paperwork through and yes there are some pressing matters but most of the time you’re just super bored at your cubicle trying to prefect your Tetris score and hoping your boss doesn’t catch you. And instead of having to go all the way to the washroom every time you want to rub one out, you can just keep a towel or a sock or a mug under your desk at work and just yank your dick out and jerk away all the while with your head set on, answering calls and forwarding them along. Just keep a file folder over your junk in case someone pokes their head in to invite you out for coffee. And while your regular porn sites are likely blocked, you can always go the old school route and keep a few dirty magazines in a file marked ‘Land Claims’ or ‘Safety and Security’ or ‘Gear Locker’ and no one will be the wiser.

The best part about procrasturbating is actually gets your blood moving and pumping and even though you may end up taking a two to three hour nap after you come, you’ll probably wake up with tons of new ideas for that project your working on.

1. Oh man. I was procrasturbating in the den and my wife thought I was working. I told her I didn’t want to fuck her because I was tired but now she thinks I’m gay. It doesn’t help that I actually am gay and would rather fuck Elton John’s ass than get anywhere near her pussy.

2. The last time I had an essay due I jerked off and got jizz all over my notes. I made my girlfriend lick them off in a schoolgirl outfit. Best procrasturbation ever.

RELATED TERMS:

Masturbation

Masturbilia 

Like dick, prick is used often and under a variety of circumstances. If someone cuts you off on the highway, he could be deemed a prick. If someone tells you you’re fat, he’s a prick. If the dude you’re dating tells you he wants to take his wife to the $1500.00 dollar a plate charity dinner instead of you he’s a prick. Or just married and you should probably get used to the fact that he’s unlikely to take you places where people would be expecting to see his wife.

A prick is also the feeling that a needle makes which it goes into your skin. A little prick, one might say. One might also be revering to a very tiny penis. This can also refer to the feeling of fucking said very tiny penis. It might just feel like a little prick instead of a great throbbing beast of a cock that’s taking up all the space in your va ja ja.

Prick is definitely a word you would avoid using around your grandmother. Kind of like cunt. You don’t really want to say cunt around any family members really. It’s not a word you can bounce back from. Prick is a little like that. While asshole and douche and dick and bitch are all semi acceptable in most so-called polite company, prick is in the more extreme category of insults. Prick and cock and cunt are all things you don’t want to let lose around just anyone. You probably wouldn’t want to say things like cock-cobbler and cunt-nugget either. Especially around people who are learning English as their second language. You’re likely just going to come across more awkward questions to answer and you probably don’t want to get stuck with having to define ‘cunt-nugget’ as awesome of a term as it is.

1. My boss is being a total prick. Last week he made me work overtime all week and then when I mentioned how many hours I had been at the office, he told me that he wouldn’t be able to pay me extra because I’m on salary. I think he gets like this because his cock is tiny and his wife can’t even find it when she tries to give him a blowjob.

2. This jackass totally cut me off today and I ended up rear-ending me. Now my insurance is going to go up. Prick.

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Cock

Douche 

Another version of a porn storm is when you find you just can’t get enough porn so you set up your living room as a kind of porn central, where you’ve got videos playing on your huge flat screen TV, magazines scattered all over the floor with pictures of giant boobs all over them, your laptop playing videos, your fiancé’s computer playing videos, and so on. The cool thing about this kind of porn storm is that sometimes when you’re really channeling it, you can make it rain boobies just outside of your apartment. That totally happened to me once and it was awesome. I was jerking off and it was pouring rain outside. I set up my apartment so it was all porn all the time, and suddenly, just as I was about to come, the sky released a plethora of perky tits that ranges from massive and round and soft to teeny tiny. And all the glorious nipples you would ever want. I guess I was also fucked up on acid that day, so that might have had something to do with it, but I’m still convinced it totally happened. Lucy in the sky with titties. I think I got hit in the head with Pamela Anderson’s boobs at one point.

The only thing to be aware of during a porn storm is that it’s possible for you to get knocked unconscious by boobies. Sometimes they fly out of the sky like hail and you’ve got to remember to duck or else one of those things is gonna take your eye out.

1. Never look at porn on your boss’s computer, not matter how tempting. It doesn’t matter if he’s on vacation or if you came in to catch up over the weekend. It doesn’t matter how badly you need to rub one out or how diligently you wipe the monitor when you’re done. The risk of a porn storm is just way to fucking high.

2. My mum found my porn stash. I guess I’ll have to resort to all online all the time. The only thing that terrifies me is a porn storm.

RELATED TERMS:

Porn 

Porn Star 

Some smooth moves that constitute porn moments are as follows: Personally delivering a welcome fruit and wine basket to your new neighbor at three a.m. and timing it just right so he answers the doorbell right after taking a shower. The basket should be large enough that it would take both hands for him to hold it so his towel will ultimately fall off revealing his giant throbbing cock, as seen on Sex and the City when Samantha has a new neighbor. Another smooth move is when you’re at the Vancouver Aquarium and you accidentally fall into the dolphin tank and a scuba diver rescues you. Of course you have to pull off all your sopping wet clothes. Of course he has to wrap his naked body around you to prevent you from getting hypothermia. Of course he’s going to push your head downtown so you can admire and suck on his huge dick. Of course he’s going to end up anal banging you against the side of the tank while the dolphins watch in horror. That shit actually happens. The Vancouver Aquarium is just crazy like that. Another smooth move is when you’re outside in winter and it’s snowing and you lean your head back and stick out your tongue to catch some of the snowflakes and recover your lost youth when all of a sudden there’s a cock in your mouth. That shit also happens, basically all the time in Canada since it snows, like, ten months out of the year.

Just remember, you can make porn moments happen for yourself at any time. You just have to allow yourself to do totally ridiculous things like caressing your own tits in public or going down on your boyfriend at your grandmother’s eighty-fifth birthday. It’s a thing.

1. I had a total porn moment at my girlfriend’s house. Unfortunately I wasn’t in it, but apparently she sure does love fucking my best friend.

2. I’ve always wanted to be in porn but for now I’ll just have to settle for turning my life into a series of hot porn moments. Unfortunately I don’t get paid for them so I still have fuck my husband so that he buys me shit.

RELATED TERMS:

Porn

Porn Star