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Ovulating women are ready for insemination. Well, that’s not entirely accurate is it? A lot of women are ready for insemination, but not all of them are ovulating. It’s like how all apples are fruits, but not all fruits are Elton John. With respect, Rocket Man.
For example, I spent a great deal of last night inseminating my girlfriend’s vagina, but she wasn’t ovulating. She was panting, moaning, sweating, swearing, and at one point convulsing with orgasmic spasms of sheer bliss, but not ovulating. We keep track of her ovulation cycle on my Etch-A-Sketch so she won’t get pregnant. When she is ovulating, those are what we call “Blowjob Days”.
If a woman does want to become pregs, then the ovulation days are the important ones. Avoid onsemination during those days. Onsemination is when you spray your load on the woman instead of in her. Don’t get me wrong – unleashing a huge cum load on a woman’s tits or face or ass or back is a lot of fun, but she can’t get pregnant that way. Unless it drips down into her pussy somehow. Wouldn’t put anything past sperm – those little fuckers are determined.
When a woman is ovulating, she can also become pregnant through Artificial Insemination. This occurs when a turkey baster full of baby batter is squirted up her coochy, with no man required. Just head down to the local sperm bank and get the freshest batch of hobo man-milk they’ve got. There is an advanced method called Artificial Insemination, in which the man masturbates and cums in his hand. Then he makes a fist and inserts it into the woman’s vagina. He opens his fist, releasing the sperm, and god willing, impregnating his little flower. Fisting should be practiced before trying this method.
During ovulation, women are really, really horny. It’s the body’s way of forcing them to try to get some. I’m always very wary of a woman who is a little too horny. I’m good looking, it’s true. But I’m not that hot. During ovulation I have noticed that women are more into aggressive, muscular dudes. I think this is a carry-over from our basic instinct that tells women to fuck and get babies from the biggest, strongest guys so that the kids might be able to outrun a dinosaur when the time comes. Ever see Jurassic Park?
During the rest of the month they are more interested in more romantic traits like his net income, penis size, and the kind of car he drives.
My girlfriend just read that over my shoulder and is forcing me to say that women also care about a man’s intelligence and sense of humor. She does admit, however, to first approaching me because she saw the outline of my huge package in my tight-fitting trousers at the church bake sale.
1. Doris is ovulating. She needs dick tonight.
2. Jim knows he’s going to get lucky when his new wife is ovulating. No condoms required!
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