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Oral sex is the act of using one’s mouth or tongue to sexually stimulate and satisfy another individual by licking, sucking, or biting the penis or clitoris. When a woman gives a man oral pleasure it is generally called a ‘blowjob’ or ‘giving head.’ When a woman receives oral sex, it is generally referred to as ‘eating pussy’ or ‘muff diving’ or even the lesser used ‘carpet munching.’
No one is quite sure where or when oral sex was first introduced among humans, but it is only known to exist in two animal species, the bullfrog and chimpanzee. C’mon, we’ve all seen that youtube video. That Frog knew exactly what it was getting into when he hopped into that Chimp’s cage, so stop feeling sorry for it.
As for humans, there is one mythical legend that has been passed down for generations that is generally considered to be the true origin story of oral sex. Long ago, in a mythical land of female midgets and full-grown men with no kneecaps, the first act of oral sex was recorded by a passerby who wrote the following account:
“When I first stumbled across the strange town of Oraliphis, it seemed like a splendid place. All the men were so very active, working all day in the fields and never taking a moment to sit down. Too soon I learned the reason for this; the men had no kneecaps! They all seemed to have nothing more than a straight, long bone beneath the flesh of each leg, making it impossible for them to sit down or even lie down. When one of the working men invited me to his house for supper, I was astonished to find that his wife was a mere two and a half feet in height. I soon found out that all the women of this village were the same size, but no one seemed to think these afflictions were strange.
Later that night, when I awoke with a chill and wandered from the guest bunk to stoke the fire, I found the two of them in a compromising position by the stove. The man was standing there with his trousers around his ankles, while his wife stood in front of him, naked and holding his genitalia in her mouth! It was absolutely absurd! I’d never seen anything like it in all my 22 years of marriage. Then, to my even greater surprise, the man picked her up, held her above his face, and started licking his wife’s private parts like a mongrel dog! Needless to say, I escaped from that queer village as soon as the sun rose. But I must admit, there are times I wish to tell this story to my wife, just to see what she thinks of it.”
1. Oral sex is an excellent way to avoid having premarital sex, so it’s not surprising that catholic schoolgirls give the best blowjobs.
2. Before the introduction of oral sex, women were often caught deep throating bananas and choking on carrots in the kitchen when they thought no one was home.
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