Oral Contraceptive refers to birth control in the form of a pill or capsule, which is swallowed by the female in order to avoid pregnancy. Not to be confused with Dental Dams, ‘the pill’ cannot protect against syphilis or gonorrhea, or even herpes. Of course, that doesn’t mean a man should have to wear a condom when the female is taking birth control. Condoms are ball sucking latex stranglers that can actually shrink a man’s penis, and prevent the female from reaching climax. There are thousands of blogs online that would give evidence to this claim, but don’t both looking them up. The only time a man should still wear a condom when the woman is on birth control, is if she’s a complete skank. And I mean really skanky, like Leanne slutty. So, in order to still enjoy sex, but avoid knocking a girl up or getting an STI, just remember this ridiculously easy catch phrase, “If the girl’s on the pill, she’s ready to fill…..but if she looks a little rough, then wrap up your stuff.”
Oral contraceptive is by far the best possible way for women to protect against pregnancy. Developed in the early 1960’s in America, the pill was created to give men who don’t want children a fighting chance to get laid by their wives and girlfriends, without worrying about child support payments and diaper changing. The pill basically synthesizes the hormones a woman naturally receives in her body, preventing ovulation and the creation of eggs. With no eggs, the sperm has nothing to do but create a delicious cream pie. Essentially, her body thinks she’s already pregnant because of the hormones. This has two contrasting side effects, which are both wonderful and terrible. First of all, the woman’s period usually becomes regulated, making it easy to predict when a woman is on her rag. That’s great news for any man who can’t stand the sight of vaginal blood. The last thing a guy wants is to be mucking a girl out and suddenly get a mouthful of blood and vaginal tissue. In the illustrious words of Winston Churchill, “I don’t like bloody surprises!”
Of course, as great as regulated periods can be, oral contraceptive also has the negative side effect of making some women go bat shit crazy. So, a warning to teenage boys out there: if your girlfriend decides to go on the pill and suddenly starts crying all the time and calling you in the middle of the night with suicidal thoughts, then switch to an ICU. Just make sure it takes before you stick your dick inside her, because I’ve heard horror stories of those little pieces of wire jumping out and stabbing the man’s urethra.
1. Leanne couldn’t understand why every guy she slept with used 1 or even 2 condoms. After all, she took oral contraceptive every morning.
2. Uncle Herb was awfully disappointed to find out the baby sitter wasn’t taking oral contraceptive. He hadn’t used a condom in years!
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