An “Old Fashioned” is a slang term for a handjob. That is to say, when someone takes another person’s penis in their hands and strokes it (hopefully) to orgasm. It’s not as hot or juicy as a pussy. It’s not as tight and kinky as an asshole. It’s not as dirty and wet as a mouth. But by god, an old fashioned always does the trick in a pinch.
An old fashioned is different than a person masturbating because an old fashioned must be done to someone else. I suppose if you had a split personality, technically you might think you’re giving an old fashioned to someone else, even though it’s just you. Back in college, I told all the girls I had a split personality. When they figured out that I was talking about their pussies, they laughed. Some even gave it up.
An old fashioned is called that because it’s usually back in your much younger days that you had them. I got my first handjob in grade eight. The girl didn’t know what the hell she was doing, because it was her first time trying it. I didn’t care – it was a girl’s hand on my dick. High school had more handjobs, until around grade 11. Then the handjobs were out, and the girls were doing a lot more. I loved grade eleven.
If you want to get an old fashioned these days, I suggest you visit a massage parlor. Ask them if they have the “rub and tug” special. That’s where you get a full body massage that ends with an old fashioned. You might have to pay extra for the happy ending, but aren’t they worth it? I’ll answer for you. Yes, they are. In some jurisdictions handjobs aren’t considered prostitution, so you might not even need to worry about getting caught.
I suppose the female equivalent of the old fashioned would be basic fingering. For those of you out there into fingering or old fashioned, if you’re worried about safe sex, you can always wear finger cots. They’re basically condoms for your fingers. I knew a guy that had such a small penis that he could use a finger cot for a condom. I felt bad for him, but the ladies loved him. I guess they could boast that they deepthroated a guy after blowing him, which is always impressive to tell prospective new boyfriends.
If you’re going to give a guy an old fashioned, I HIGHLY recommend lube. See how “highly” is in capital letters? That’s no accident. Lubrication is essential for a good old fashioned. Dry-handing it is just painful for the guy. You can choose from any of the multitude of lubes available on the market today. If you are in a fix, olive oil works like a charm.
If you’re in the middle of nowhere, just keep spitting on it.
Cheap and effective, just like a cucumber dildo.
1. My wife gave me an old fashioned last night.
2. Your wife gave me an old fashioned last night.
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