The best onion booty is the kind that’s big and round and jiggles a bit when she walks. All dudes and bi-ladies will agree with that statement. No dude is into flat asses. Nobody is into flat asses. Nobody I’ve ever met, anyway.

Onion Booty also gets its name from the revealing nature of the booty. A great and powerful booty will reveal itself slowly to you, like the layers of the onion. You’ll notice how great it is at first, but the longer you’re around that booty, you will start appreciating its glory at deeper and deeper layers. One of my girlfriends had onion booty. I certainly noticed the hotness of her ass immediately. We were in a biology class together (ironic, I know), and I saw her get up from her table so she could grab paper towel to clean up some kind of dissection accident. Now it wasn’t just her ass that was fantastic, though it was juicy and delicious, but the way she moved it and shook it, without intending to, I’m sure. The way she walked, swayed, jiggled that ass to the front of the room and back. She was in a pair of bell bottomed jeans. Her ass was round and filled out her jeans perfectly. Damn.

The thing is, after we started dating my love for her ass only grew deeper as I was allowed to grab it (clothes on) and grab it (clothes off) and grab it (during fucking) over and over and over again. When she finally let me enter her asshole it was like finding the freaking Holy Grail. I practically came in her ass within seconds of entering her. I made sure to use plenty of lube so she was nice and slick and it turned out, to my delight, that she loves getting a good ass pounding. You wouldn’t think of it to look at her, but she’s really a nasty dirty girl with one big-ass booty. And so the worship of her booty continued.

We broke up after two years. Irreconcilable differences. But I always treasured that booty and told her so while we moved my stuff out of our shared apartment. When I arrived at my new bachelor pad, I wept. Not for her exactly. I mean, I’d miss her and everything, but it was time for us to part. But what if I never got to grab, slap, squeeze, look at, or fuck an ass like that again. I was a mess. To this day I still well up when I think about it.

1. If I had to choose between ghetto booty and onion booty…wait, why do I have to choose?

2. My mom has an onion booty. It’s really awkward. All my friends hit on her. Sometimes I stare at it.

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Anal Sex

Badonkadonk

When a guy tells you that they are off the box, don’t bother believing them. In the history of heterosexual men, not a single male has ever been able to successfully kick the habit of fucking vaginas. The only exception to the rule would be prisoners who are on death row and not allowed conjugal visits, but they’re only giving it up because they are forced to. That’s like saying a crack head who can’t afford crack and loses access, isn’t a crackhead any longer. In reality, no man is “off the box” unless they’re gay, or they’ve been married for more than twenty years and can’t bring themselves to cheat on their wives.

Single men will often tell themselves or their buddies that they are off the box after certain situations, which I’ll explain in more detail.

First of all, we have the scorned lover syndrome, where some poor sap got burnt by his cheating whore of a girlfriend and has now sworn off women altogether because he believe that they’re all evil. He blames vaginas and women in general for the heartbreak and anger he felt after his girlfriend cheated on him. But, of course, he should be blaming himself for not realizing that if you start dating your best friend’s girlfriend before she breaks up with him, then a few years down the road after you’ve become the new boyfriend, she’ll probably cheat on you too. Besides, the first chance this guy gets to find a piece of ass hotter than his ex, he’ll be breaking that vow faster than a crackhead runs to an alleyway after scoring a rock.

Other common situations that bring men to swear off vaginas are when they’ve been caught cheating on their girlfriends or wives, especially if it involved a whole slew of women who came forward and showed your lover all the nasty text message and naked cock photos you sent them. But, these men are a bit like the ex smoker who claims that he’ll never smoke another cigarette again. All it takes is for one drunken night and suddenly abstinence looks a whole lot more boring than indulging.

1. My best friend, who is a total horndog, tried to go off the box for an entire summer. He even bet all of his twenty-three friends $100 dollars when we said he couldn’t last. He ended up working overtime every night for the whole summer just to pay us all back, but he got laid more that summer than his entire life.

2. If you’re going to try going off the box, you’d better move to a temple in Southern China and become a Shaolin Monk. Either that, or get arrested for something really bad.

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Abstinence 

Horndog                  

Or that’s one scenario.

There are many different open relationships out there. The common threads of open relationships are, of course, the honesty and straight-forwardness when it comes to who each person is attracted to and who each person is dating or wants to date (or sleep with). The great thing about an open relationship is that every couple can make their own rules. You might start out with very rigid and restrictive rules, but start to relax later on as you observe your partner respecting those rules. For example, a lot of couples get into open relationships because one expresses an interest in having a threesome. Let’s just say that it’s a straight couple and the woman is wanting a threesome with another man. Her partner may feel anxious about this, so perhaps they make a rule that the other man can be there and fool around with them but he isn’t allow to stick his dick inside her pussy. The woman in this scenario may find this rule kind of constricting, but if she respects it and her partner feels good about the experience he’ll likely relax and over time the rules will change and become less restrictive.

Another way that people sometimes end up in open relationships is when one person cheats. Cheating isn’t typically okay for a relationship because it promotes lying and deception. But perhaps a couple has found themselves in a situation where one has crossed the line. They may be at an impasse and unsure of where to go. While there will likely be hurt feelings and trust issues, this may be an opportunity for the couple to change the structure of their relationship for the better.

1. My boyfriend and I are in an open relationship now. I have to say, it’s awesome. Mostly we only fuck each other but every once in a while when one of us goes out of town we pick up a fling.

2. The last time I was in an open relationship I got to watch my boyfriend fuck his best friend.

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Open Swinging

Polyamory

Oneitis is especially problematic when it comes to long-term relationships. In North America we tend to have love-based relationships and we have this ridiculous idea kicking around of ‘the one’. That there is one person out there who will complete us and make us feel whole and satisfied and happy and content all at once. That once we meet that person we won’t ever desire another human, that we’ll be fulfilled sexually and emotionally and mentally by that one person, hell we won’t even really need friends and family – haven’t they just been filler while we’re desperately searching for our ‘other half’. Vomit.

Here’s the thing, ‘the one’ is an incredibly dangerous concept and ‘oneitis’ is really no different. There are certainly lots of people out there that you will connect with and you will feel that this connection is special. And it is. You won’t connect with everyone on that same level. However, there is no one and when we’re desperately trying to find that one, we close the door on about a thousand awesome potential partners who would do a fabulous job of supporting us emotionally and satisfying us sexually – the only catch is that we would still have to work on our own happiness if we were with one of those thousand others. The secret that no one talks about is that if you found someone you thought was ‘the one’, you’d have to do all that self-work anyway. So why not hook up with someone you respect as a human instead of looking for this other worldly experience that never lives up to the expectations we place on it?

1. My best friend thinks her husband is the most amazing thing since IPhone 4S. I’ve known this guy for fifteen years and he’s a total loser, always playing WOW while my friend cooks dinner for the family. She’s got oneitis, bad.

2. Gary had oneitis. He could tell because every time he saw his girlfriend his balls started to itch.

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Lust

Sexaholic

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A one-night-stand is when you have sex with a stranger that you just met who you’ll likely never see again. Sometimes people get confused about the definition and start calling their casual sexual encounters with people they know one-night-stands. A true one-night-stand is when you meet someone, fuck that person, and leave that night or the next morning with the knowledge that you still don’t know them and probably will never see them again. This doesn’t apply to people you kind of know or people who you share mutual friends with. This also doesn’t apply to people who you’ve been friends with for a while and you decide to sleep with them and it ends up being a one time thing.

Usually one-night-stands occur from bar hook-ups. It’s unlikely that, on a Saturday afternoon while you wander the mall looking for a new pair of shoes that you’ll meet someone, invite them into the public bathroom right there and start going at it. Bars have always been a socially acceptable place to show off one’s slutty side. This has a lot to do with the freedom of alcohol and how uninhibited we are able to be once we get a little bit wasted. People have plenty of casual sex with friends or people they don’t know very well but it’s less likely to be an actual one-night-stand.

There are many pros and cons about one-night-stands. The pros are that you don’t have to worry about how the sex is or whether the person thinks you’re good or bad in bed. You know you’ll only be with them for one night and it’s likely that you’re both pretty drunk so it’s probably going to be this sloppy mess of limbs and flesh and if you can get out of there without getting your eyeball poked out you can consider the evening a success. You may find yourself much less inhibited sexually when you’re fucking someone you don’t know because you aren’t worried about how they will perceive you. Perhaps you’ll end up having better sex than usual because you feel free enough to do some of the really dirty stuff that you haven’t been able to bring yourself to do with a lover that you’ve known outside of a sexual context. Of course there are downsides. You want to avoid getting and spreading diseases. The sex could be hugely bad, like maybe she’s on her knees and you’ve got your eyes closed just waiting for the thrill of her mouth on your hard dick when she starts blowing on it because she’s so stupid and she doesn’t know that giving a blow job doesn’t involve blowing onto the penis. But there’s always going to be some fuck duds in the pack. That’s why it’s important not to stop having one-night-stands just because your first one sucks. If you keep at it you’re bound to find someone who can suck your dick properly.

1. I had a one-night-stand last night. I had to go to a wedding the next day. Turns out the woman I fucked was the bride.

2. The last one-night-stand I had was the last person I ever fucked. We’re still married, sixteen years later.

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Slut

Wham, Bam, Thank-you Ma’am

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When a woman is “on the rag”, that means she has her period. She’s also likely in a bad mood because of the various discomforts associated with pads, leaks, tampons, washing out underwear, not being able to wear light-coloured skirts or pants, etc. The term ‘on the rag’ is kind of nasty but people use it to portray the ickiness that women feel about being on their periods. There’s really nothing about bleeding from your vagina for five to seven days that’s at all enjoyable. And if you’re a woman who doesn’t like tampons it’s even more annoying. The great thing about tampons is that they hold everything in, they plug everything up so you don’t have to deal with much blood except when you’re pulling the tampon out and putting another one in. So long as you remember to change your tampon regularly enough you should be all good. But if you’re only using pads it’s a much stickier situation. And if you’re using re-usable pads, you have to deal with washing those blood-soaked pieces of cloth and feeling them all bulky against your lady parts.

People often use the term ‘on the rag’ in a disparaging way to insult women. Like if a woman is in a bad mood then someone might say she’s ‘on the rag’. And she probably is. When you think about it, pretty much all of a chick’s mood can be based on her hormone levels and whether or not she’s on her period. It’s a pretty safe bet that if she’s being a bitch, she’s probably bleeding out of her twat.

The best part about a chick being on her rag is that she’ll most likely be horny as fuck. Take advantage of that. Maybe blood skives you out, but you should consider just turning the lights off, laying a towel down on the bed and plowing into her in the dark. It’ll be nice and slippery down there and you can just pretend the warm gooiness is lube and not blood or baby tissue. She’ll probably do all kinds of things to do you that she wouldn’t normally do because she’s extra randy. She will definitely need sex so you might as well just go along for the ride. Even if she wants to do really freaky things, just close your eyes and think of England if it gets to be too much. She’ll reward you with a nice tea-bagging for sure. You can guilt her into it.

1.  How come I plead ‘on the rag’ instead of insanity when I testify in my murder trial?

2.  The last time I had my period I told my mother she was a witch and I covered her face with green paint while she was sleeping. It was warranted. She forgot to buy me chocolate when she went grocery shopping. Now she wants me to go see a psychiatrist. Just because I’m on the rag doesn’t mean I need to get my head shrinked.

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Menstruation

Red Wings

Everyone’s Outro-Jingle Face is different and the majority of people never quite know what they look like while having an orgasm. If you want to see your Outro-Jingle Face you’ve got a couple of options. You can set up several mirrors in your bedroom. When you are getting fucked or fucking your partner and are about to come, right as you are going over the falls you can take a glance at your face in one of the mirrors. This can work though it is difficult to get a really accurate reading of your Outro-Jingle Face because you will be checking yourself out in the mirror. It’s pretty challenging to try to check out your facial expression while you are coming and not changing your face or putting on a particular face because you know you’re checking yourself out. A better option that will likely give you a more accurate reading is if you set up cameras in the bedroom that will catch your Outro-Jingle Face on video. The only downside to this approach is that you’re likely going to be maintaining posed facial expressions because you know you are being videotaped. The best results can be obtained if you ask your lover to set up video cameras secretly around the room and not let you know when he/she is going to be video taping you. Then perhaps you can have your Outro-Jingle Face taped on several occasions which will give you a more accurate reading of how your facial expressions are when you orgasm.

People tend to look weird when they come; it’s just a fact. Along with the strange noises most people make, we also tend to look more like we’re taking a giant shit than having a pleasurable orgasm. Some people scrunch up their faces really tight and squeeze their eyes shut. Other people relax their faces to the point of facial melting. Some people contort their faces, screwing up their lips and noses so that they look like they have some kind of physical defect. Some people have weird creepy smiles or their eyes get all wide like they just witnessed a murder. It’s fun to check out how a new lover looks when they orgasm. Everyone’s facial expressions are totally different and it’s cool to see those differences. It keeps you in the moment with that person that you’re fucking or making love to.

1. I’m thinking I might take that new chick from Logistics. If things go well I might be showing her my Outro-Jingle Face. “Oh….Oh….Oh!” You know what I’m talkin’ about. “Oh!” – Drew from Office Space

2. Apparently when I come I look like a fat-cheeked squirrel that just packed a pile of nuts in his mouth. My boyfriend told me that. I, in turn, told him his Outro-Jingle Face is the same face he gives when he’s watching his best friend play basketball.

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O Face

Orgasm

Not that I’m disparaging mosquito-bite tits. They’re great. Heck, all tits are great, as long as they aren’t all deflated and saggy. Big, small, medium – they’re all fun times.

Big is best, though.

If you’d like to see a porn star with some real big, all natural boulders, I suggest you search the name “Roxetta”. That is my kind of woman. Gorgeous, red headed, and giant, real tits. When she’s on top riding that lucky son of a bitch, her boobs bounce so beautifully it’s kind of unfair to other women. When she buys a bra, she gets the over the shoulder boulder holder. I’d pay good money just to smell her bra.

But I digress.

When I was in grade eight, that’s when I first heard the term “over the shoulder boulder holder”. I’ve always been a fan of boobs and rhyming, so this was a phrase custom made for me. Then another friend of mine came up to me and pointed at a classmate of ours. She was a black girl with braces, and a good friend of ours named Sally. He said that she was a “black and decker pecker wrecker”. I didn’t really get it at first, but then he explained that if she gave a guy a blowjob, because of her braces, it’d cause a lot of damage. Plus, he explained further, she was black.

I was still six years away from getting my first blowjob, but I still found it funny. It’s the rhyming that gets me every time. I told all the other guys I hung around with, and the nickname stuck. She ended up transferring to another school because we had made fun of her too much. If you’re reading this Sally, I’m sorry. I’d love to get a blowjob from you (assuming you’ve had your braces removed in the last twenty years).

In a way, it’s better in the long-term to date a black and decker pecker wrecker than it is to date a woman with an over the shoulder boulder holder. In fifty years, the woman with braces will have a lovely, straight smile. In fifty years, the woman with huge tits will have some knee-knockers and back problems. You’ve got to think about that end game, gentlemen.

Respect!

1. Kim Kardashian has some tig ol’ biddies that require a serious Over the Shoulder Boulder Holder. Keira Knightly could use Kim’s bra for a hammock!

2. The porn star with the sweetest tits inside her Over the Shoulder Boulder Holder is definitely Gianna Michaels. They look even better when she unleashes her krakens.

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Tit Fuck

Tits

Let’s face it, marriage gets boring. Shit man, Charlie Sheen divorced Denise Richards. DENISE RICHARDS! You know marriage isn’t what it’s cracked up to be when you leave Denise Richards. Granted, Charlie was probably banging seven gram rocks at the time and juggling the baby with a bowling ball and chainsaw, but still.

I’m not saying all marriages are boring. I’m saying that there may have been three or four in history that were ok. Allllll the other ones, I think we can agree, get stale and dull. Oh, you might have waited until marriage to start fucking, so that the sex is really good for years. Maybe ten years. After that, he knows all your tricks. You know all his moves. There are no surprises, and no thrills. Usually, when you’ve been together that long, you both know each other’s buttons so well that sex rarely lasts longer than ten minutes anyway.

Efficient? Yes. Boring? You bet.

So, what’s a vibrant, energetic man supposed to do? Just watch TV and work and nail the same pussy three times a week until he dies? I don’t think so. It’s time for the other woman.

Before I continue, I should point out that I’m also in favor of the woman taking another lover. If the man gets a mistress, than a woman gets a histress. Actually, your lover on the side doesn’t have to be a man, ladies. Get yourself a lesbian lover. Try something new. Heck, if she works out as your lover on the side, bring her home for a threesome every now and then. That could postpone your imminent divorce for at least a few years.

The key to having another woman, guys, is keeping the worlds separate. If your wife catches any clue or suspects you in the least, you’re fucked. So, you have to fully insulate both your family world and your mistress world completely so there is no chance they could ever collide. The best way to do this is by taking another woman in an adjacent town.

Also, make sure that the other woman isn’t a psycho before you start laying pipe in her. Ever see “Fatal Attraction”? It can happen. Once you’ve established she’s not crazy, give her all the energy you used to give your wife. And enjoy that new puss-puss!

1. Harry was worried when his wife found out about the other woman. She took it well. The house and half his stuff, I mean.

2. Jason made sure the other woman was everything his wife was not. Young, tight, fit, red headed, big tits, full of life, and a swallower.

RELATED TERMS:

Mistress

Threesome

Personally, I enjoy it when two monster-cocked black guys fuck the hell out of a white woman. It’s fun to watch their mammoth dicks stretch out her holes. It’s arousing to me to hear her moan as her pussy gets opened up wider than ever before, but her moaning is somewhat muffled by the other huge black dick in her mouth. I’m talking about the kind of monster cock where the girl can barely get her mouth past the head. Once you go double black, you won’t double back.

Don’t get me wrong – I also think it’s super hot when two sexy black bitches give a lucky white guy an Oreo cookie fuck. Usually black women have more voluptuous bodies anyway, what with their huge boobs and giant asses, so when two of them give a white stud a hard fuck, it’s really hot. And there are some white guys out there with monster cocks too, (like me), so the black ladies can have a stretched out good time.

It used to be that in porn that the races were always segregated. You’d only have white people fucking white people, and black people fucking black people. Then, one day, the Martin Luther King of porn said, “I have a wet dream!” He brought John Holmes (speaking of white guys with monster cocks) together with some sexy black chick and they fucked hard. John showed her that once you go white, you ain’t never gonna be tight.

Unfortunately, it is well known that porn today is still somewhat discriminatory. White porn actresses aren’t encouraged to film scenes with black men because it is going to hurt their career. Stars like Jenna Jameson and Tera Patrick have avoided doing interracial scenes, for example. I personally will watch any race fuck any race while being blown by any race. I am color blind when it comes to porn. Even a hard core racist has to admit that Jenna Brooks is fucking smoking hot.

And so, my friends, I think that all races should inter-fuck each other. There are so many real problems facing the world today, that it seems ridiculous that some people still focus on race. After all, we still haven’t figured out a pill to make a penis bigger. Not that I need it.

1. I saw a porn clip where Lexington Steele and Mr. Marcus were giving a tiny white porn starlet a hardcore Oreo Cookie. She’s going to walk funny FOREVER.

2. If I could be in an Oreo Cookie with two black women, it’d be Rhianna and Stacey Dash.

RELATED TERMS:

Interracial

Threesome