The Ninja is a sex position where a dildo and a light switch are needed close at hand. With the lights off, proceed to have doggy style sex with a woman. With a swift David Copperfield-esque motion, pull your cock out and stick the dildo in so that she thinks that your dick is still inside her. Then walk around in front of her, switch on the lights and yell, “NINJA!!!”
It is an advanced maneuver that demands preparation, commitment, and a complete disregard for the dignity of the woman you’re fucking.
Of prime importance, is preparation. The key to the successful completion of The Ninja is getting yourself ready. First, map out where the light switch is. You’re going to have to have the woman’s head near the light switch during the doggy style fucking for The Ninja to work. Thanks to modern technologies such as “The Clapper”, you can turn the lights on without having to hit the light switch. Make sure your Clapper has fresh batteries, otherwise your Ninja will fail and you’ll just be some asshole clapping in the dark.
Second, is the dildo. Since the dildo you slide inside your lady is supposed to fool her into thinking that it’s still you fucking her, you need to make sure that it is the same exact size as you are. It’s no good to slide a baseball bat-sized dildo in if you’ve got a pencil dick, or vise-versa. Take accurate measurements to ensure precision. Then, have the dildo preparing in some warm water under a sweater or towel. Again, it’s no good if you pull out your warm cock, only to slide in a cold dildo. Keep the dildo at body temperature to keep the illusion alive. Finally, choose a dildo that best approximates the kind of erections you get. If you’re one of those guys that has a softie at the best of times, get a bendable, rubber dildo. If your dick gets rock hard when you fuck, get a plastic one.
Next is commitment. When you put the dildo into her pussy, obviously it won’t be sliding in and out of her as you walk around to her front. It’ll just be inside her, motionless. If she’s suddenly wondering why you’re not fucking her anymore, it could spoil The Ninja. To prepare, for the half-dozen fuck sessions before you attempt The Ninja, tell your lady that you want to try Tantric Sex. While you’re fucking her doggy style, stay inside the woman but don’t move in and out. This should buy you the time you need to complete The Ninja on game day.
I tried The Ninja on my girlfriend once. When I turned on the light, she had secretly replaced herself with a blow-up doll, and was standing behind me! Then she shouted, “Super Ninja!” Scared the shit out of me, but now I respect her a little.
1. Performing The Ninja on blind chicks is hard because their hearing is stronger.
2. Chuck Norris invented The Ninja.
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