Nut Huggers are any type of clothing that a man wears, which often hugs or cradles his testicles far too tightly to be worn in public. Most often, these nut huggers come in the form of tightly fitting shorts, pants, or bathing suits, and are usually worn by creepy dudes, Ginos, Douche bags in banana hammocks trying to impress the girls, or guys who are so out of touch with fashion and so negligent of their personal appearance that they haven’t purchased new shorts since they were in grade school thirty five years ago. Coincidentally, the creepy pedophiles mentioned above will often see these out of touch fashion faux pas’ at a distance on the beach and accidentally mistake them for a local teenager.
Nut hugging is not socially acceptable by anyone, and the sooner people realize this the less traffic accidents we have in the summer. If you’re walking down the sidewalk or side of the road with two giant plums bursting at the seam of your speedo, you can pretty much guarantee that every driver coming passed you is going to have their eyes glued on your crotch, miss a stop sign, and fatally kill dozens of people in the process.
Now, don’t be fooled into believing that this should be taken as some form of compliment. It’s not. Nut Huggers are absolutely grotesque, and so are you for wearing them. It’s not the same as when a woman with giant tits or an incredibly nice ass walks down the street and causes a traffic accident. That happens because she’s hot, and horny guys driving to work in the morning can’t keep their eyes on the road, or the semi from protruding from their pants long after they arrive at the office. In these cases, the woman isn’t at fault, and not a single police officer would dare suggest to the public that women should stop dressing this way in order to prevent car crashes.
But when you let your boys bounce around in public and drivers look at you, it’s not because they’re viewing something that they enjoy. It’s a bit like seeing a dead body on the side of the road as it gets put into an ambulance after you’ve just driven by an accident; you don’t want to see it, but you can’t help but stare at it as you drive past. It’s like our eyes are little masochists that love the pain and anguish they get from staring at such horrific scenes. That, my friends, is nut huggers in a nutshell. Please help spread the word so more lives can be saved.
1. When our math teacher decided to wear nut huggers to school, my friend and I took bets on who could hit his right testicle with a spit ball first. We may have been expelled, but I won 50 bucks before he had even finished taking attendance.
2. There is a simple rule of thumb men should follow to make sure they don’t wear nut huggers. If they had to be tucked, the shorts should be chucked.
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