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A nooner is a quick sexual interlude that usually takes place during the lunch hour in an office setting.
It can be a dangerous thing for a guy to get a nooner, because if you’re anything like me, after sex all I want to do is sleep. Wouldn’t be too productive if I came back to work as a border guard after a nooner. I’d nod off and then god knows how many Canadians would sneak into the U.S. And the last thing we need is more goddam Canadians. I’m looking at you, Justin Bieber. Selena Gomez deserves better. Someone more like me.
Selena, if you’re reading this, call me. I guarantee I’ve got more to offer than Bieber. Border guards make pretty decent cash, and the health benefits are good. Plus, I’ve got a gun. I can protect you, Selena.
Wait, what was I talking about…Oh yeah – nooners. Man I’d love to have a nooner with Selena Gomez. It’d only last until 12:03, but three minutes in heaven is better than two minutes in heaven, as Mother Theresa used to say.
Vampires can’t have nooners. They’d burn up in the sun.
For a long time I loved the song “Afternoon Delight”. It would play on AM radio, and I’d think it was a pretty catchy song about having a nice afternoon. Turns out, it’s all about trying to get your woman to fuck you in the afternoon. True story.
I’ve found that a lot of the women I’ve been with are hornier in the morning than they are in the evening. Most of them were up for first-thing-in-the-morning sex, whereas they were often too tired after a long workday to put any enthusiasm into sex at night. Luckily, I’d usually have a nice morning hard-on, so I’d tell them I was stiff because they were looking so good. Truth was, I just had to piss. The only thing wrong with first-thing-in-the-morning sex is your significant other’s breath. That’s why I stick to doggy style in the morning.
But let’s face it – morning, noon or night, fucking is great!
1. President Kennedy was in the middle of the October Crisis, and the world was on the brink of nuclear war. He was stressed-out as he dealt with the catastrophic global ramifications of the Russians’ decision to try and put nuclear missiles in Cuba. Jacqueline Kennedy came by the Oval Office and surprised John. She asked him if he wanted a nooner to relax and take his mind off things for a while. He said no, because there was too much important work to be done. She left, and Marilyn Monroe came out from under Kennedy’s desk naked, and ready to continue their nooner. Kennedy figured if this was going to be the end of the world, he’s rather get it from Marilyn. Can’t blame him there.
2. I sleep in until noon, so a nooner for me is just morning sex.
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