The Mystery Bus doesn’t come around too often, but when it does, it’s the worst best thing that’ll ever happen to you that night. But don’t worry, you won’t regret it until the morning when you’re sober and you realize what you’ve done.
The Mystery bus occurs after your 12th pint of beer, or 6th shot of tequila, and you stumble off to the bar bathroom. A few minutes later when you emerge, suddenly all the unattractive ugly people in the bar have disappeared and the only people left in the bar are absolute knock-outs and hot blondes with gigantic tits. In theory, what has happened is that a strange mysterious bus arrived while you were draining your lizard, and shipped all the ugly chicks out of the bar.
In reality, of course, you’ve just slapped on your beer goggles. The cruel, twisted fate of mystery bus survivors is that they appear to be perfectly capable of picking up all these beautiful women who are left in the bar. So, they pick the hottest one they can find, lay on their best lines, and before they know it they’re back at home mucking her out and plowing her doggie style over the futon.
What happens next is absolutely devastating. That man wakes up with a hangover so bad it could only be some curse put upon him by the most evil of Greek Gods. His teeth feel like they’re covered in fur, and that fur tastes like it was dipped in tequila and then burned with the glowing tip of a cigarette. When he finally unglues the wads of mucus dried across his eye-lids and focuses his vision so he can see straight again, he suddenly realizes he’s not alone. Lying next to him is what appears to be a beautiful blonde with her back turned to him, sleeping soundly as she shows off her gorgeous neck and elegant, slender back.
He smiles to himself, quite pleased, and breathes a sigh of relief and thinks, ‘I may not remember fucking this gorgeous dame last night, but I’m definitely not too hungover to go for round two.’ So he leans over on his side, and gently starts kissing her shoulder as his hands wander down to her perfectly formed ass, and she begins to stir. She moans a sweet little whimper, opens her eyes, and rolls over to face him, and instantly it feels like someone scooped out his balls with a spoon and threw them against the wall. The sexy blonde bar babe he went to bed with last night, is suddenly a ghastly, horse-mouthed double-bagger with teeth that would make Steve Buscemi look like a perfectly chiseled orthodontist. This, my friend, was the passenger of that elusive mystery bus; a hideous monstrosity of a woman who never really left the bar, but started looking pretty damn hot once this poor sucker put on his beer goggles and got a little horny.
1. On my Bachelor party, I swear there were at least mystery buses that night, one for each bar. Luckily for me, I wasn’t single. My best man, on the other hand, woke up with a girl who looked like she had down syndrome and a meth addiction.
2. Usually after my 12th drink, I like to put slam 5 tequila shots in a row. That way, if a mystery bus happens to drive through the bar, I’ll be way too drunk to stand, let alone get an erection and make a huge mistake.
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