A Mustache Ride is a humorous euphemism for cunnilingus. It describes a man with a mustache laying down on his back and a woman sitting her vagina down on his mouth and riding it as he licks and sucks her pussy. It’s always fantastic when a woman sits on a man’s face and moves her hips around, stimulating herself while he works with his tongue. With their combined effort, they’re sure to give her a fantastic orgasm.
Now, before all you religious zealots get on your high-horse and talk about the sins of sex and oral pleasures, let me tell you a little something about a little book called the bible. In the “Song of Songs” (one of my favorite books of the bible), there is the following passage, talking about a woman’s vaginal juices:
“Your vulva is a rounded crater, never lacking mixed wine.” Verse 7:2-3
It’s a pretty hot way of describing a juicy cunt, if you ask me. Before that line, he talks about her sexy legs, and after that he talks about her fantastic tits. It’s really just a poem describing his lover from her feet to her head. It’s the middle bits that are the sexiest. Because the church tried to destroy natural human sexuality later on in its authority, they often change “vulva” to “navel”. Yeah, because of all the juices that flow from the navel. Don’t lie to me, church. You should know it’s a sin.
Now then, some secrets to giving a quality mustache ride. First, and most important is teasing. Don’t stampede right for the clitoris, as Monty Python wisely advises us. Try licking and sucking your way around her vulva and thighs first. Play with her tits while you gently tug on each of her pussy lips. When she’s begging your to lick her clit, then begin…slowly. A woman’s orgasm is one that builds slowly and explodes. Stoke the fire and watch her burn!
Second, finger her. While your mouth is busy on her clit and pussy lips, use your hands on her. Use one hand to reach up and play with her tits and nipples, The other hand stays downstairs to slowly finger fuck her pussy and asshole. Use your index and middle fingers on her vagina (she should be good and juicy from the mustache ride), and your baby finger on her asshole. If you can do both at once, that’s called “the shocker”. It’s a good time for everyone.
Lastly, get your nose involved. If she’s sitting on your face, grab her ass and stick your nose into her juicy gash. Nose fucking a woman while you suck on her clit makes her go wild. Plus, you’ll smell her juices for a day or two afterward. Sweet memories.
Good luck!
1. James offered Kim Kardashian a mustache ride. She accepted, but since her ass is so big, he suffocated and died. He was still smiling when they lowered him into the ground.
2. I’d love to give Selena Gomez a mustache ride. Bieber can’t grow a mustache, after all.
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