Morning Wood is a slang expression describing the erection men wake up with after sleeping. It is also known as “morning glory” and “the breakfast boner”, although the scientific name for it is called Nocturnal (over-night) Penile (cockmeat) Tumescence (stiffy), or NPT. Since I assume only a few of you out there are scientists that want the technical term, from here on out, I’ll just call it the Over-night Cockmeat Stiffy, or OCS.
Let’s go!
There are some conflicting theories as to why the morning woody happens. Some scientists believe that when REM sleep occurs, the body’s muscles relax, which causes hypervasodilation in the body’s capillaries, resulting in a boner. Basically, when everything goes relaxed in the body, your wiener takes the opportunity to rise up.
Conversely, there is a theory that the morning wood is a result of a full bladder. This is the explanation I was raised with. The nerves that are stimulated during an involuntary boner are the same nerves that are stimulated when a man has a full bladder. Plus, it’s very hard to piss when you’ve got a full-on meat stiffy, so morning wood might be nature’s way of stopping dudes from pissing the bed.
Personally, I find that if I’ve been dreaming about some hot actress and it gets sexual, I’ll wake up with a morning woody, whether or not I have to piss. One night I had a dream that Jennifer Aniston and I were in the backseat of my car and she was giving me a great tit-fuck and blowjob. For some reason Matt LeBlanc was in the front passenger seat fooling around with the radio. Anyway, when I woke up, I had a huge boner. I told my live-in girlfriend that I had an erection because she looked so sexy in her pajamas and t-shirt laying next to me.
I put that boner to good use tit-fucking her and getting her to give me a blowjob.
Did I keep my eyes closed the whole time while I imagined it was Jennifer Aniston’s tits and mouth working on my morning wood? Yes. Did I fall back asleep after cumming in my girlfriend’s mouth? Yes. Did she actually look good in her pajamas and t-shirt? Of course not. That’s just pillow-talk, baby.
For guys that have erectile dysfunction (E.D.), the boners that they get during the night can diagnose whether their E.D. is physiological or psychological. The doctors attach a little do-dad to the guy’s dick, and if he gets boners during the night, then his E.D. is psychological. Probably because his wife has a muffin-top and a cottage cheese ass. If he doesn’t get boners during the night, then his dick is physically broken. It’s just a double bummer if his wife has a muffin-top and a cottage cheese ass.
Hello Viagra!
1. When Jason woke up pitching a huge tent in his trackpants, his girlfriend started laughing at his morning wood. She stopped laughing when he proceeded to fuck her for the next two hours, delivering eight mindbuster orgasms.
2. It’s hard to piss down into a toilet with a hard morning wood.
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