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The Lorena Bobbit is a sexual act that no man wants to be a part of, no matter how much he enjoys a little S&M. Stemming from the infamous marriage scandal of 1993, where an American couple became famous after the wife severed off the cock of her husband with a carving knife while he was sleeping, drove it a few miles down the road, and threw it out the car window into a field. According to reports, the husband had come home drunk and horny one night, and raped her, which is what incited this malicious act.
Today, The Lorena Bobbit has been used as a slang term for various sexual related techniques and toys. Most commonly used, much to the enjoyment of the woman and the man, during anal sex a woman squeezes her ass as tight as possible, trying desperately to rip his dick off with her clenched turd cutter. Now, of course this is rarely going to work, but if you do manage to succeed, you must immediately retrieve the severed, shit-caked penis, take it for a long drive down a back road, roll down the window, and throw it into the field; if for no other reason, than to honour the great Lorena Bobbit.
Of course, there are much more pleasurable types of sex moves that are still commonly referred to as the Lorena Bobbit. For example, in order to give the man more resistance during a blowjob, try stuffing a stale, hardened, old-fashioned donut into your mouth with the center of the donut directly behind your lips. Unless your man has a micro-penis, he should feel like your mouth is as small as a tightly puckered anus.
In Sweden, the Lorena Bobbit refers to when a female is on her period, she inserts a Diva Cup rather than a pad or tampon, to collect her menstrual blood. Normally, a woman would remove this device before intercourse, but in this case, she keeps it in so that the head of the man’s dick penetrates the small, cylindrical rubber cup.
In the Southern States, The Lorena Bobbit refers to getting a blowjob from a mentally handi-capped teenager with tourettes syndrome and a massive, glistening set of braces. Try to getting out of that one with your entire penis intact. The cruel irony of course, is that girls with Tourettes give the best blowjobs ever!
In the Middle East, there has been a very different interpretation of the Lorena Bobbit story, which is much more favourable to the man, John Bobbit. Thus, in countries like Saudia Arabia, Iraq, or Iran, the Lorena Bobbit simply refers to getting drunk at a party with all your friends, and then going home and raping your wife or girlfriend. We don’t recommend trying that one in Canada, though.
1. Man, how come Gavin never comes out to the bar anymore?
Oh, don’t worry about him. He’s still recovering. His ex-girlfriend called him up for a booty call last week, but ended up giving him a Lorena Bobbit instead.
2. When my girlfriend gave me the Lorena Bobbit, I found the severed half of my penis in a child’s playground down the street. Surprise surprise, guess who got charged with indecent exposure!
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