click to enlargeLevitra is a prescription medication intended to treat Erectile Dysfunction.
It is a little pill that, in the words of Patton Oswalt, makes a man “erect… in defiance of God’s will”. My great-grandfather Ernie lived in Las Vegas, and my dad told me about the time he decided to get some Levitra and hire him a hot young whore. Apparently neither is too hard to find in Las Vegas.
He got himself a hotel room in one of the newer casinos, and swallowed the Levitra pill. Forty minutes later, his ninety-six year old penis began to show the first signs of life since the second Reagan administration. The sexy twenty year-old prostitute showed up, and my great-granddad opened the door, his erection creating a huge tent-pole in his hotel robe. When she saw how old he is, she laughed, but when she saw his raging boner, she knew it was on.
Now, apparently granddad has himself a pretty sizable hog when it’s stiff. We’re talking a solid nine inches long, and as thick as a coke can. Probably where I got my cock genes from. Believe it. Anyway, the whore tells him to lie on his back and enjoy the ride.
I feel like at this point in the story, I should mention the side effects of Levitra, in case some other old-timers decide to give it a try. Side effects include: sex with hot whores, feeling alive for the first time in fifty years, finding a reason to get out of bed, and possible heart attack. Of course, if you do die having sex with a twenty year old blonde beauty, would that be so bad?
Where was I…oh yeah – granddad. He died from having sex with the prostitute. Still had the smile on his face when we buried him.
1. Gary married Dina because he knew her mother was about to die and leave her a shitload of money in an inheritance. Gary had bullshitted Dina into believing that he wanted to wait until they were married to have intercourse, but the truth was that he had been fucking many, many women behind her back during their courtship. The real reason he didn’t want to fuck Dina was because her face was so ugly that Gary knew he wouldn’t be able to get it up. When their honeymoon came around, Gary bought a Levitra off a buddy, and swallowed it when Dina and he got to their suite. He drank a lot of whiskey, and when the Levitra kicked in, fucked her doggy style for the next three hours. Whenever she tried to turn or change positions, Gary would grab her forcefully by her hair and tell her to stay put. She had six orgasms that night, and her mother lived another thirty years, thanks to a breakthrough in the treatment of her illness. Gary is not happily married.
2. John Holmes, the porn star, could have used Levitra. He could only get a semi at the best of times.
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