Lap Dance is a simple and erotic dance that occurs in strip clubs, hotel rooms, and college dorm rooms. Traditionally performed by strippers, the lap dance is when a hot woman in lingerie straddles a customer’s lap and grinds back and forth on his erection, trying to entice him to spend more money by taking her back to the VIP room, and spending his week’s wages on a 3.5 minute blowjob or handjob while ACDC blares on the stereo.
This can be an extremely sexy performance, and usually does encourage men to spend more money. In the past ten years or so, since Britney Spears and Paris Hilton became mega-popular super sluts, women across North America have realized the potential in themselves to perform lap dances for their boyfriends, husbands, and sexual partners. In fact, the YWCA actually has pole dancing classes offered to the public as early as age 9, so that women can properly learn the bumping and grinding techniques needed for a lap dance. When performed correctly by a girlfriend, wife, or other amateur, lap dances can be even more erotic and sexually satisfying than when it is performed by a professional.
However, when performed badly by your girlfriend or wife, a lap dance looks a lot like a female moose slipping uncontrollably on a sheet of ice after getting maimed by a hunter. It’s absolutely disastrous, and can often lead to permanent impotence, post traumatic stress disorder, and male suicide. So that’s a message to all the women out there; if you’re going to try and speak Spanish, why not take a few classes first, huh?
Another way that lap dances can go extremely wrong is when the stripper or lap dance performer is having her period. Two things can happen. One, the female will have a Diva Cup or Tampon stuffed tightly and securely inside, blocking all blood and discharge, but unfortunately not blocking the smell. Known as a ‘Hogie and Grinder,’ when a woman is on her period and she starts grinding in her thinnest pair of panties, more often than not the man will get punched in the face with the overbearing stench of decomposing uterus lining and menstrual blood.
I know what you’re thinking, that’s absolutely fucking disgusting. It is, but what’s even worse is the ‘crimson crawler,’ which is when the stripper performing the lap dance starts to leak menstrual blood. Image it, you’re enjoying a perfectly good lap dance that all your buddies paid for, when suddenly you look down and see a massive red smear right in the middle of your pant leg. Not only is it menstrual blood, but it’s strippers blood! For all you know, she could be having a miscarriage all over your leg!
In conclusion, lap dances are beautiful things, like deer, but they can be dangerous as hell if you find them in the wrong place at the wrong time.
1. Why did Scott break up with Sarah? Was it because she has MS?
No, it’s because she gave him a lap dance, AND she has MS.
2. When I got my first lap dance, my teacher told me she was really proud of me for not ejaculating in my pants. I miss elementary school.
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