“Lace curtains” is a slang term for foreskin.
If you’re a man, unbutton your pants and pull them down, along with your underwear. I don’t care where you are. Even if you’re at a public library computer, I want you to get naked from the waist down. The homeless guy collapsed in the library cubical next to you is already pant-less, and has shit himself, so the librarians have bigger fish to fry than you.
Now look down at your cock and balls. Does the Little General look like a hotdog in a turtleneck? If so, you have lace curtains. If it looks like a mushroom, you’ve been circumcised, and you do not have lace curtains. Now take a look at the homeless guy’s dick beside you. Gross, isn’t it? Take a picture of it with your phone. Now do up your pants and get out of the library before the police arrive.
Lace curtains are great because 90% of the pleasure receptors that the penis has are located in the foreskin. I was circumcised when I was a baby, so thanks to mom and dad, I’ll never really know how great sex can feel. Oh, I love the way sex feels, don’t get me wrong. But it could feel soooo much better. Plus, masturbation feels a lot better if you’ve got lace curtains, especially if you’re going dry-hand. Not that I ever go dry-hand anymore. If I can’t find some lube or massage oil anywhere, a little spit does the trick.
Gay men with lace curtains can enjoy the sexual act known as “docking”. Docking occurs when two men rub the heads of their penises together, with one man stretching his foreskin over the head of the cock of the other man. If done correctly, it looks like one long, headless penis that connects the two men like they are Siamese twins. Add some passionate kissing and anal fingering, and you can imagine how hot the foreplay can get.
I’ve always envied men with lace curtains, because they have an extra centimeter of penis length. And I’m just a centimeter away from being fourteen inches. I am the White Mandingo!
1. Charlie was proud of the way his lace curtains looked whenever he showered with the other guys at the synagogue after recreation league floor hockey. All the other guys would mock him because he was the only one that wasn’t circumcised, but he smiled, knowing that most of their wives had sucked him off during drunken Bar Mitzvah after-parties.
2. Tina had never been with an uncircumcised man, but when she saw LaShawn’s long black lace curtains, she was more than willing to try. Unfortunately, LaShawn was a Blood, and he parked his car in Crip territory. He had a cap busted in his ass before he could meet up with Tina, so she got really drunk and fucked a random guy she met at a Wal-Mart McDonalds.
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