For a young male, trying to find the clit can be as hard as trying to find a sober college student, or a republican politician that isn’t racist. For most first timers, the female genitalia appears to be nothing more than folds and folds of doughy flesh that leaks from time to time and comes adorned with a small patch of pubic hair at the top. It’s hard to believe that anyone can find a tiny little button-sized cluster of nerves in all that mess. Then again, many men never do find it, spending the rest of their days searching endlessly in the labyrinth, going from woman to woman hoping that someday it’ll get easier.

If you’re one of the lucky ones, your first time will be with a girl slightly older than yourself, so she’ll not only be mature enough to know about good hygiene and the importance of pubic maintenance, but she’ll also be aware of just how clueless most younger guys are, and she’ll help direct you to the sweet spot. If you’re really lucky, she’ll even have one of those modestly trimmed vaginas with a miniscule amount of labia, so her clit is gently and delicately poised at the top like a mint on a hotel pillow just waiting to be gobbled up.

Of course, that’s not very realistic. For most young men, their first time winding their way down the labyrinth is like getting into a sumo-wrestling match with Jabba the Hut.

There are two main areas that make it extremely difficult for young, inexperienced men to find their way to the end of the labyrinth: one being the entrance to the forest, and the other being the forest itself. The entrance (also known as the camel toe) to the labyrinth can be one of the most daunting tasks for young men, and can often discourage them before they even begin. Picture it this way: if you were a butcher looking for the most delicate and tender piece of flesh, would you want to have to saw your way through 1000lbs of excess flesh first? No, you wouldn’t. Thankfully for us, plastic surgeons have figured out a solution to this wrinkly maze.

The other inhibitor for young men who are eager to please their girlfriends is a much easier and less expensive situation than labia-plasty. For most girls, all it would take is a few hours of hot waxing in their bedroom, or even a quick 30 minute ordeal with a Bic Razor and some lathered soap, and the problem would be solved. In fact, you know that old fashioned saying “it’s like trying to find a needle in a haystack?” Well, that was actually created by Mormons and is a code word for how difficult it is to find the clitoris of a female Chewbaca.

1. When I finally found my way through the labyrinth and found my girlfriend’s clit, I was too exhausted to actually do anything with it.

2. Don’t ever underestimate the difficulties of finding your way through the labyrinth. I have old high school friends who I haven’t seen since Prom night just because of that.

RELATED TERMS:

Camel Toe                 

Clit 

The first time I was truly lovesick was when I fell for my gay boyfriend back in eighth grade. We did actually date, for six whole weeks, but then we broke up and I continued to be in love with him and he moved on to date this incredibly skinny drama queen at our high school the following year. He wasn’t out as gay at this point, though he had come out to me as bisexual when we were together. I was cool with it, which I now find interesting because I didn’t know any other bi guys and I haven’t really known any openly bi guys since. Of course, he turned out to be totally 100% gay, but I was glad that I didn’t have any issues with it. Of course our sexual contact was limited in that eight grade innocent kind of way. We kissed a lot and it wasn’t very good. We French kissed and I think he was eager to make sure his tongue found every inch of the inside of my mouth.

But I was lovesick over him for months, years after we were together. I hated his skinny girlfriend and I plotted her death. Even after it was pretty clear to everyone that he was batting for the other team, I still dreamt that we would find our way back to each other.

My next lovesick experience was with this guy I was dreamy over who I fucked twice. I thought we were heading for some kind of relationship until the second time we slept together and at four in the morning he told me very gently that he wanted me to leave because he didn’t want me to accidentally run into his mother the next morning. Oh, did I mention he was twenty-eight and still living in his mother’s basement, in the same bedroom he had all through elementary and high school? Sometimes you just pick winners.

When you’re lovesick you’re a totally useless human being. You can’t eat or sleep or concentrate on anything. Try not to be lovesick when you’re trying to finish graduate school. And passed the age of twenty-five, being lovesick looks kind of silly. Eventually we learn to take our emotions in stride.

1. The last time I was lovesick I lost so much weight I looked anorexic. Then he broke my heart and I ate twelve boxes of cereal in four days and gained ten pounds.

2. When I’m lovesick I stutter. Then I sound like a retarded person. Then I accidentally say racist things.

RELATED TERMS:

Love

Love Wand

Perhaps the reason why it is more complicated than lust is because it has so many different meanings and levels. I love my friends. I love them deeply and unconditionally. It is not the same, however, as the love I feel for my sister. My sister and I probably fight more than I would ever fight with any of my friends, but at the end of the day, we are connected and bonded eternally. I love my partner. That is a slow love that has come to fruition over a long period of getting to know each other, fighting and compromising and having sex and cooking meals and moving from one shitty apartment to the next and dealing with job stress and a dying pet and trying to get pregnant and failing and trying again.

And then there’s the love between a parent and a child, which is something intensely sacred, something that is indescribable and ineffable, as most extreme and pure type of love are.

And then there’s the love for all those past lovers that didn’t work out, even the ones you knew weren’t going to work out but you loved them anyway. You miss them and you still love them and you will continue to love them forever. Even if the only way you can see them again is through their happy lives on Facebook.

You can definitely fall out of love, but sometimes you stay loving those people who were only in your life for what feels like a blink or a heartbeat. You can keep loving them because they represent a different life, another possibility, a completely alternate path that you’ll never get to explore. Love is both all encompassing and restrictive. It’s the best kind of risk in this life.

1. I’ve had more unrequited love than reciprocal love. Hold onto the love people give you. Love isn’t something you feel it’s something you do. And if the person you’re with doesn’t want it than do yourself a favour and save it for someone who does.

2. I think loving others has given me just about as much grief as it’s brought happiness into my life. Sometimes I wish it didn’t end or leave or be in this constant state of flux. I don’t know if falling in love makes us better humans but I think it keeps us in a state of constantly trying to be better. That must be worth something.

RELATED TERMS:

Monogamous

Multiorgasmic

As a culture we seem to always want to turn lust around and blame it on the child in situations like this. Lolita was twelve years old. Twelve years old is a child. Fifteen years old is still a child. No matter what she is feeling, sexually or otherwise, it is always the adult’s responsibility to protect the child. So even if she waltzes into your bed, pulls off her panties and yanks up her nightgown and straddles your dick, it is your job to pull her off you, take her out of the room, go back inside and shut the door.

But really, when does it ever happen that a fucking twelve year old girl comes into the bedroom of a forty year old man looking for sexual contact. Maybe she’s sad or upset or lonely and is looking for love and comfort and protection, but so often this is conveniently interpreted as some form of fucked up seduction. A child cannot seduce an adult. Adults can and sometimes do interpret a child’s actions as sexually provocative, but that interpretation is actually sexual abuse. Yes teenagers have sexual feelings. Yes they are starting to explore their sexuality, but they are too young to engage in any kind of sexual contact with an adult. There will always be a power imbalance there. There will always be unequal footing, no matter how the child feels. This is why we have laws around age of consent.

1. Lolita is a girl who was considered to be a seductress, but really she was a victim of sexual abuse and exploitation.

2. I’ve always wanted to be Lolita. That fresh faced skinny little prepubescent girl. That’s what all the guys I know are attracted to. Young looking girls. Everyone wants to fuck someone who looks innocent. Everyone wants to take some young girl’s virginity. Everyone wants to be the first to deflower a girl and bring her into womanhood.

RELATED TERMS:

Age of Consent

Virgin

Let’s start with the lips on our mouths:

Lips are always the first thing I notice on a person. When they’re beautiful, there’s nothing that compares. My own lover has gorgeous soft cushiony lips that feel like plums or grapes and when I kiss his lips it’s like I’m kissing a delicious fruit and tasting its juice. Cliché, perhaps, but still amazing. I’ve never kissed anyone with thin lips, so I can’t really describe what that’s like. All I can say is that I love the puffiness, the swollen beauty, the roundness. Everyone wants to press their own lips against something soft and round. Everyone wants to feel the comfort, the intimacy, and the seduction that comes from lips connecting and twinning and making new words. The first woman I ever kissed had thick gorgeous lips and she knew how to use them. She moved her mouth on mine like an expert, every so often sliding her tongue between my lips. She gave me such a lady hard-on.

Now let’s talk about pussy lips:

Pussy lips are often taken for granted in our society. They aren’t often celebrated the way they should be, but those pussy lips are the opening to a vast and fascinating and wonderful world full of magic and faeries and everything tastes like rum and chocolate and everything is edible, like the factory in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and everything tastes delicious and if you aren’t careful you could get fat off of eating too much pussy but you don’t even care, you aren’t thinking about your cholesterol or the fact that both your parents have type 2 diabetes, all you’re thinking about is how rich and glorious everything tastes and you can’t help but plunge your face between those lips and eat away until that juice is running down your chin. Pussy lips are hot. There are a lot of pussy haters out there, even people who have pussies hate pussies sometimes. They don’t want to spend any time in front of a mirror and they certainly don’t want to taste themselves. And really, if you can’t appreciate how you taste, you shouldn’t be allowed a single drop. Save it for someone who craves it.

1. Your lips are so sexy I want to eat them right off your face.

2. Sometimes I just get so fascinated by my wife’s pussy that I just sit there and stare at it for hours. She’ll just be watching TV or reading or doing a crossword and I’m just staring at her cunt. The lips are my favourite part, so juicy and plump.

RELATED TERMS:

Blow Job

Pussy

The thing is, any girl who doesn’t understand the pure value of that friendship is an idiot anyway. And a lot of chicks are idiots when they’re young. They worry about what their friends thing of who they’re dating, they worry about being cool and they want their friends to be envious of them not feel sorry for them. You hear that line uttered from women under twenty-five all the time because they’re being influenced in twenty different ways by a hundred different things. It’s a stressful thing, navigating relationships and trying to figure out who you’re attracted to verses that would actually be a good person for you to date. The hardest part about growing up is realizing that sometimes you have to make the decision based on what’s good FOR you, not necessarily on what you most desire in the moment. Because desire comes and goes but if you establish a decent friendship with someone, you’ve got a relationship for life. And yes, you need a certain amount of upfront sexual chemistry with that person, but so long as they don’t have any major sexual hang ups (or they’re able to work through them), then the most successful part of your sex life will be how well you can communicate with each other. Then it’s just a matter of getting to know each other and each other’s bodies.

Don’t underestimate the power of friendship. Don’t let yourself get used by people who say they just want to be friends but use you as their sounding board, but remember that just because she’s not sucking your cock at the moment, doesn’t mean she won’t be in the future. And when it gets to that point the cock sucking will be so much better because she’ll really know you and you will both trust each other.

1. So I told him that I wanted to just be friends and he totally started crying. So I panicked and let him eat my pussy. Turns out he’s really good at it.

2. Let’s just be friends. This way, when I get dumped for the billionth time, you can come over again and comfort me.

RELATED TERMS:

Ex with Benefits

Ex-Hole

a. A man who has more friendships with lesbians than other women or men: This is the most common form of lesbro. It’s also the one that the name most accurately describes; a bro of a lesbian. Men love spending time with lesbians. There are two reasons for this. One, lesbians are intriguing. Men are always just a little bit curious about lesbians because they really aren’t interested in cock (or so they claim). However, many of them still like to be penetrated and a bunch of them love to pack a nice strap-on inside their jeans. So men are constantly trying to figure out if lesbians really don’t want anything to do with cock or if it’s more that they’re jealous and want a cock of their own, or if they want to be fucked by a lady that’s got tits and a cock. That’s really the dream. The truth is, lesbians just don’t want to fuck dudes, but they’ll fuck a chick with a dick (or some will) and they’ll definitely fuck a chick with a strap-on. I suppose there are the occasional lesbians who don’t want to fuck a dildo, but the one common thread that links all women together is our deep down desire to get fucked silly.

The other reason why men love befriending lesbians is because there is always a small part of them that is eager to try to seduce them, to get them back over to the dark side, to get them into cock again. Also, the idea that a dude could be the one who sways a lesbian back onto dick AND potentially watch that lesbian fuck a chick at some point is like a double win.

b. A man who befriends lesbians with the intent to seduce them: This happens less often and most men who try this end up with a fair amount of disappointment. While female sexuality has known to be quite fluid and women have been known to fuck men after living as lesbians for years and years, the likelihood that one specific dude is going to be able to convince a woman to bone him is ridiculous simply because any dude who thinks like that is likely a complete doorknob and no self-respecting woman would go for that shit.

If you want to be a lesbro then make sure you’re at least hanging with some hot lesbians so you can fantasize about them when you’re jerking off. If you hang out with some ugly dykes, not only will you not get your cock in them in reality, you won’t want to in your fantasy.

1. You are a total lesbro. You’re basically a male lesbian.

2. My boyfriend loves the lesbians. He’s a complete lesbro.

RELATED TERMS:

Fag Hag

Lesbian

Click To Enlarge

Lesbian sex conjures up all sorts of images of women in bubble baths with rose petals and flowers and incense. Women giving each other sensual massages and kissing each other’s necks all delicately and cuddling under soft downy blankets listening to Ani Difranco and The Indigo Girls. Lesbian sex always makes people think of love and love making and rolling around together in pure bliss. Either that or it makes people think of girl-on-girl porn which is lesbian porn for straight male consumption, which involves blonde curvy chicks with nice round asses and huge tits eating each other’s pussies while they’re getting fucked with a giant vibrator.

Sure, all of this stuff really does happen in lesbian sex, but it’s obviously more complex than that. First of all, everything will vary depending on the couple. The only downside to two women getting together is that the likelihood that one of those women have been raped or sexually abused is high given the statistics around the sexual assault of women and girls. How a woman deal with those experiences of abuse and how they affect her sexuality and her sex life can dramatically vary. Some women begin relationships with other women because of the abuse they experienced from men. They find a closeness and intimacy with women under safer circumstances and the likelihood of having flashbacks might not be as strong.

Women tend to have varying sex drives depending on their past experiences and their present lives and their hormones. Most women I know have higher sex drives than the men their with. Get two of these chicks together and you have an amazing explosion of sex drive and sexuality. For example, the last female lover I had was a Scorpio. I am also a Scorpio. Scorpios are known as the most highly sexualized of all the signs. Both of us were fairly free of sexual hang ups and few body image issues. We were also in fairly decent places in our lives and it was the summer, which is always the best time to be engaging in an extended sexual fling. So we fucked like crazy all summer. We mostly fucked in her car or my car until she moved into her own place (I had too many roommates) and then we fucked all over her apartment. We fucked outside a few times and made out like crazy on the dance floor at the gay bar.

Lesbian sex encompasses all kinds of things, including but not limited to; eating pussy, fingering, finger banging, fisting, fucking with strap-ons, and using all kinds of toys to stimulate and create pleasure. There’s nothing holding you back but your own dried up imagination, so start getting yourself wet and think of all the things you could do with that chick you’ve been fantasizing about. Just because you don’t have a cock doesn’t mean you can’t buy one to fuck the shit out of her with.

1. My boyfriend and I had lesbian sex last night. We took a bath together and then he admired my pussy while he fingered me.

2. I love lesbian sex. There’s nothing hotter than two chicks going at it.

RELATED TERMS:

Lesbian

Lesbian until Graduation

Last chance undies are all fine and dandy when you have in-suite laundry, but if you have coin laundry in the basement of your building or you have to drag your dirty shit to a Laundromat down the street, these last chance undies are crucial reminders. It’s important to keep on top of this sort of thing, especially if you’re the type of person who likes to pick up people for one night stands. You don’t ever want to be one of those types who wears their underwear inside out in order to get a second wear out of them. That’s just nasty. Better to wash them in the sink and blow dry them, even if you can’t dry them out completely and they stick to you all moist and cold. There’s nothing more disgusting that two day old undies that smell like pussy. Let’s always remember that.

Your last chance undies will likely be a pair of undies that you don’t normally love to wear, which is why they get slotted as the desperation pair. Maybe they’re kind of uncomfortable or slightly too small (or WAY too big, like granny panties or period panties). Maybe they’re a thong but they’re the only thong you have that actually makes your ass feel like it’s being flossed. Or maybe they have big seams or create weird lines in your skin or maybe they have stains on them that won’t come out or rips or a saggy stretched out ass but you hold onto them anyway because their the pair that sends a direct signal to your brain reminding you that you better get your shit together and wash at least one of your cute pairs of panties so that the dude you’re dating doesn’t think you’re a hobo.

1. My last chance undies is this huge pair of granny panties that my granny actually gave me for Christmas last year. She must think I have the hugest ass in the world because when I pulled them out of the box and held them up I could tell they were about three sizes bigger than what I normally wear. I ended up trying them on overtop of my jeans and they fit perfectly. Go figure.

2. I’m totally wearing my last chance undies today and they’re making me fucking bitchy because I can feel the string of the thong chaffing me inside my ass.

RELATED TERMS:

Panty Sniffer

Slut

Ladyboner might also reference having a strap-on. Sometimes when I’m at home and I want to feel the hardness of my own dick on the outside as well as the inside, I strap-on a dildo. Us ladies know what it’s like to get hard, we just don’t have the physical expression of it the way dudes to. It’s kind of frustrating. We get just as turned on as the next dude.

I used to fuck ladies with my strap-on dildo and it always made me feel all powerful, like I could just fuck the shit out of her and make her come and make her the happiest girl in the world. It was a nice feeling. I don’t know who doesn’t crave the ability to just pound the person they’re with. Sometimes I dream of that nice round ass high in the air, that sweet pussy, sliding inside her and making her moan.

1. The chick I’m fucking gets me so hot. She’s always wearing short little skirts and knee high socks, flitting around the room with her pigtails and ribbons in her hair. Her outfit is always perfectly situated so that one shoulder is revealed or her lower back. She’s got hot tattoos in various places and a sexy belly button piercing. Just watching her tidy the house gets my ladyboner up and ready. Some days I dream about fucking her while I’m at work. I’m slicing and dicing potatoes, chopping vegetables, dropping things in the deep fryer, all the while thinking about her sexy chubby thighs, her cute little belly, her gorgeous ass that’s always ready for a good pounding. I get hard just thinking about her. Last night I accidentally dipped my hand in the grease trap, burned myself good. Still had to go rub one out in the bathroom during my smoke break.

2. The last time I had a ladyboner I was watching my neighbor cut his grass. He always does it without his shirt on and I just can’t help watching him with his muscular back and shoulders, his gorgeous six-pack, his dark tanned skin. Sometimes I go over and offer him some ice-cold lemonade. I wear heels and a short skirt and I walk slowly so he can admire my body. The only problem is that I get worried that he can see my lady hard-on. I try to keep it hidden, but he just gets me so horny that it’s hard to conceal. One of these days I’m going to blow a load, right there on his front lawn.

RELATED TERMS:

Clit

Hook Up

Hung