Kleptophilia is a sexual fetish in which the person afflicted needs to steal to become sexually aroused. Remember how Winona Ryder and Lindsay Lohan got busted for shoplifting and people all thought it was because of the thrill of the theft? No. If you had checked their panties, I’ll bet they were soaking wet with sexual excitement. My money is on the fact that they are both closet kleptophiles.
Either one could have stolen my virginity back in the day, and I would not have pressed charges.
Kleptophilia is also a sexual arousal from breaking and entering. Remember when Robert Downey Jr. was discovered in a stranger’s home sleeping in their child’s bed? Sure, he blamed it on a crazed drug trip. But if you had checked his underwear, I’m sure there was a load of baby batter hardening while he explained himself to police.
I wonder if he got off when he stole that twelve bucks from me when I went to go see that piece of shit film “Sherlock Holmes”. Or when he stole all our hearts in the “Chaplin” biopic.
I remember back in my college days when a bunch of my buddies and I were hanging out in our frat house. All of a sudden, a group of a dozen girls from a neighboring sorority barge in. They run through the frat house, spraying us all with whipped cream and stealing our mascot (a bust of Elvis). Then they all ran out, screaming and laughing. We had to get revenge.
It was time for a good ‘ol fashioned panty raid.
We waited a few days, and planned. Then, on a cool October night, we put our plan into action. While two guys went in their back yard and started shooting off fireworks, the rest of us waited in a van on the street. When all the girls went out back to see what was happening, the rest of us ran in and raided their dressers for their frilliest underwear. One pair a piece. We figured it was appropriate payback for all the cleaning products we had to buy to clean up after their raid, and the emotional devastation of losing Elvis.
As I rifled through a sexy blonde’s dresser looking for her sluttiest pair of panties, I realized I had quite a stiffy happening. As I took her nastiest leather thong out, I took a good long look at it. I knew then and there that I was a kleptophile. That was fifteen years ago. I still have those panties. On.
Obviously theft is illegal, so if you suffer from kleptophilia, you should either get some psychiatric help, or expect to have charges pressed against you. Safety first, everybody!
1. I hope that Bernie Madoff, the perpetrator of the largest Ponzi scheme in history (besides federal Income Tax), had a bad case of Kleptophilia. He stole over 18 billion dollars from investors, which I assume must have given him one hell of an orgasm.
2. Bonnie and Clyde both had Kleptophilia.
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