If you’re into Kardashian play, you should really watch more of that show with the three Kardashian sisters. You can watch them fart and queef while they walk and talk and shop. You won’t be able to hear it because the editing team will have edited those embarrassing moments out, but these women have super loose assholes and pussies from all the dicks and sticks that have been shoved up there, so they’re pretty much making noises every time they move. Also, Kim Kardashian will sometimes give blowjobs and quart (queef/fart) at the same time. Of course, now that’s she’s a divorced hag, she’s probably given up on blow jobs and is more interested in adopting starving African or Asian orphans like Angelina Jolie.

Another way to get a Kardashian going is to eat a lot of fiber so that you’re nice and regular and make sure to include a lot of vegetables in your diet, especially ones like broccoli, cabbage, and cauliflower. These ones are more likely to make you nice and gassy. Combine that with a good vagina pounding (and I mean a good long one, where the cock drives deep into the pussy for what should feel like hours and hours without stopping) and you should be able to Kardashian all over the place when it’s all said and done. Don’t forget that a nice queef all on its own is always a good thing. Most girls are ashamed of the farts their vaginas make while most dudes think it’s super hot and weird and kinky and sexy. Don’t forget that if you want to be as hot as Kim Kardashian, you’re gonna need to make some noise.

1. After I had my first threesome I couldn’t stop farting and queefing. At first I tried to hide it but the two guys kept noticing these weird noises my body was making. Finally one of them just asked me if I was a Kardashian fan. I said yes and then we all watched Keeping Up With the Kardashian’s together and they pounded me again.

2. I accidentally Kardashian’d in front of my boyfriend and he was so turned off he went off and fucked my twin sister.

RELATED TERMS:

Slore

Queef

I have to admit it, I love Katie Holmes. I’ve loved her since Dawson’s Creek and I’ll continue to love her no matter what horrible rolls she plays or what other ridiculous gay actors she marries. She was so tough and spunky and sassy in Dawson’s Creek. I like her in those rolls the best. I love watching her get angry. She’s such a saucy minx when she’s mad.

I’ve never really known anyone to seek out a Katie Holmes. All my gay friends are pretty obviously gay and wouldn’t really be able to fake it, no matter what girl next door they brought to the party. Within seconds they’d be on their knees in the closet sucking my boyfriend’s dick while Katie wanders around looking thin and wiry and drinking vodka martinis. The scheme really wouldn’t get very far.

The truth is, I don’t know if Tom is gay, but I like to think he is. I think I might like him more if he was gay. Though I may end up hating him for putting poor Katie’s life through hell just to cover up his own homosexuality. But did you see him on Jerry Maguire during that sex scene with his wife before she leaves him? It was a super hot sex scene but there’s something about Tom Cruise having sex with a woman even during a scene in a movie in which he’s playing a character that just seems kind of…well…fake. It seems too perfect. No dude looks like that, all perfectly chiseled abs and shiny skin and muscles. No completely hetero dude looks like that, anyway. I just feel like Tom is too showy, too ready to prove his heterosexuality. Sure, he doesn’t jump up on Oprah’s couch these days all crazy like, but he still seems to need to make out with Katie whenever they’re in public. I suppose the other issue for them is the height thing. Poor Tom can’t seem to find a woman shorter than him.

1. Don’t worry, I totally got a Katie Holmes for the wedding rehearsal dinner. Mom won’t suspect a thing.

2. The last time I went home for thanksgiving I brought a Katie Holmes with me. It was a little awkward because she also just happened to be my boyfriend’s sister. My parents still ask me about that ‘delightful young lady that I brought home for thanksgiving’ and when I’ll be proposing to her. It’s hard to say when that will happen since I’m so busy sucking my boyfriend’s dick and letting him blow his load up my ass.

RELATED TERMS:

Fag Hag

Gaydar

Either one could have stolen my virginity back in the day, and I would not have pressed charges.

Kleptophilia is also a sexual arousal from breaking and entering. Remember when Robert Downey Jr. was discovered in a stranger’s home sleeping in their child’s bed? Sure, he blamed it on a crazed drug trip. But if you had checked his underwear, I’m sure there was a load of baby batter hardening while he explained himself to police.

I wonder if he got off when he stole that twelve bucks from me when I went to go see that piece of shit film “Sherlock Holmes”. Or when he stole all our hearts in the “Chaplin” biopic.

I remember back in my college days when a bunch of my buddies and I were hanging out in our frat house. All of a sudden, a group of a dozen girls from a neighboring sorority barge in. They run through the frat house, spraying us all with whipped cream and stealing our mascot (a bust of Elvis). Then they all ran out, screaming and laughing. We had to get revenge.

It was time for a good ‘ol fashioned panty raid.

We waited a few days, and planned. Then, on a cool October night, we put our plan into action. While two guys went in their back yard and started shooting off fireworks, the rest of us waited in a van on the street. When all the girls went out back to see what was happening, the rest of us ran in and raided their dressers for their frilliest underwear. One pair a piece. We figured it was appropriate payback for all the cleaning products we had to buy to clean up after their raid, and the emotional devastation of losing Elvis.

As I rifled through a sexy blonde’s dresser looking for her sluttiest pair of panties, I realized I had quite a stiffy happening. As I took her nastiest leather thong out, I took a good long look at it. I knew then and there that I was a kleptophile. That was fifteen years ago. I still have those panties. On.

Obviously theft is illegal, so if you suffer from kleptophilia, you should either get some psychiatric help, or expect to have charges pressed against you. Safety first, everybody!

1. I hope that Bernie Madoff, the perpetrator of the largest Ponzi scheme in history (besides federal Income Tax), had a bad case of Kleptophilia. He stole over 18 billion dollars from investors, which I assume must have given him one hell of an orgasm.

2. Bonnie and Clyde both had Kleptophilia.

RELATED TERMS:

Fetish

Kinky

Click To Enlarge

A Kosher Dill is a hilarious slang term for an uncircumcised penis. It is based on the stereotype that Jewish men (who are all circumcised) love deli food, which comes with a dill pickle. Also, the pickle looks like an uncircumcised penis. Plus, you put the pickle in your mouth, and the penis can also go into a person’s mouth. I’d refrain from putting a dill pickle up a lady’s snooch, on the other hand. It can’t be healthy for her.

It is worth noting that a kosher pickle needs to only be blessed by a rabbi or some such religious nonsense to become kosher. If you want your penis to become kosher, you have to cut the tip off with a knife. You know a religion is fucked when they treat the pickles better than the penises. Hey, God, what do you think about switching those around? The rabbi just has to bless my penis, and we circumcise the pickle? No? You need the tip of my dick cut off, huh? Bummer.

Just a quick question God: if you made man in your own image, does that mean that you had a giant God-foreskin that you cut off yourself? Why didn’t you just make man in your image without the foreskin? Is it because you’re a figment of our imagination, and the tradition of circumcision is completely arbitrary and mutilating? It is? Oh. Now I see.

But this isn’t going to be another anti-circumcision tirade. It’s going to be about using vegetables as sex toys. Like I said before, you shouldn’t use a pickle as a sex toy for the vagina. That is, unless you wash it thoroughly a few times, and then slide a condom over it. It’s the same thing when using any veggie as a sex toy, actually. Wash it and then throw a condom on it. The last thing you want is any sort of chemical pesticide in your snooch or anus, ladies. Plus, in case the veggie breaks while it is inside you, the condom will hopefully keep it together and contained.

That’s the problem with using veggies as sex toys: breakage. You shouldn’t use any veggie as a sex toy unless you’re sure it’s going to remain in tact, and not get lost up inside you somewhere. It’s not cool to show up in the emergency room to ask them to find and remove the banana you lost up your ass. In fact, forget what I said before. Unless you’ve checked it out with a registered sex therapist first, do not use fruits or veggies as sex toys. You can’t be trusted.

Now, bowling pins are another story.

Note: do not use a bowling pin as a sex toy until you can comfortably take it. Work your way up to it. And consult your local sex therapist.

1. Jacob gave his wife’s sister the Kosher Dill in the cloak room at the synagogue. Oy vay!

2. It takes a special kind of lady to deepthroat the Kosher Dill. (Special = awesome)

RELATED TERMS:

Cock

Deepthroat

So there you go. A little peek inside your humble author’s sex life. Lap it up, you voyeuristic pervs.

I suppose back in the olden days, people would get cold at night when the fire in the kitchen stove went out. So, they might have worn their boots to bed to keep their feet warm. And of course, we all know something else you can do in bed to keep warm, don’t we? That’s right. Fart. But after that, some sweet, sweet love making. Yep, nothing like knocking boots a cloud of fart stank. Get that heavy breathing started!

I think if I had to wear boots to bed, I’d probably choose cowboy boots for myself. And if I was going to wear cowboy boots to bed, I’d probably want to complete the ensemble by wearing a cowboy hat and a holster belt with a squirt gun in the holster. Inside the squirt gun, I’d have tequila or redbull. Or maybe a mixture of both. God, that’s a good idea. I think I’m going to try the Tequila Cowboy tonight. Wish me luck, you voyeuristic pervs.

I think if I could choose any kind of boots for my lady lover to wear to bed, it’d probably be a pair of pleather matrix-style thigh-high boots with super-high heels. I’d have to keep her off the waterbed, of course, but we could always just do it on the floor. She could pretend like I’m a young Clint Eastwood in my cowboy gear. (Coincidentally, my cock does lean a little east when erect. Literally east wood). I’d pretend like she was Trinity, and we’d have all sorts of good times knocking boots.

I just realized that “Puss In Boots” might be a sexual colloquialism involving the expression “knocking boots”. I can’t prove it, and I’m too drunk to Wikipedia it right now, so it’ll have to remain a hypothesis for now.

Wasn’t there a nursery rhyme about an old woman that lived in a shoe? Had so many children she didn’t know what to do? I know what you should do, lady. Get some rubbers. Voila! Problem solved.

1. I would love it if the sex tape of me knocking boots with Faye Reagan was leaked to the internet. Hint, hint, Faye.

2. I hate it when I hear my parents knocking boots when I’m home for the holidays. You’d think they’d at least close the bedroom door.

RELATED TERMS:

Fuck

Pussy

…

Yeah. She’s good.

Anyway, the phrase “knob polisher” is based on the two words meaning different things. By “knob”, they mean penis. By “polisher”, they mean fellator. I can see how they made those connections. The penis has a big knob at the end of it (at least in my case), and when you’re spitting and sucking on a penis, you’re cleaning it up, just like when you polish a piece of brass. I should point out at this point that you should not use any sort of actual polishing fluids on your penis. Stick to spit or sex lube.

You know what, I’m taking another Brooke Banner video break. Feel free to do the same…

…

Damn she’s good.

The key, ladies and gay fellows, to a good blowjob is practice. Watch a bunch of porn actresses, especially Brooke Banner, and how they give head. Copy their techniques. Get his cock soaking wet with your spit. Learn to deepthroat. It’s not that hard once you learn to control your gag reflex. Ladies, you try so hard to control everything in your life, why stop at your gag reflex. Make it your bitch!

Oh, and learn to love to swallow. Nothing feels better than feeling your fellator’s mouth contract as they swallow down the hot load squirting out of your dick. You know how when a guy is giving you cunnilingus and you grab his hair to pull him hard onto your clit when you start to cum? Same idea. Plus, it’s good for your tum-tum.

But, it should be pointed out that since we’re talking about knob polishing, that the head of the penis should always get some special attention when you’re giving your man a blowjob. It’s the most sensitive part of the cock, so tease it a little. Lick it. Suck it softly. Get it really wet with your saliva and then suck it all off. Then go back to working the shaft too. Your man will moan with appreciation.

And lastly, work the balls. Gently squeezing and massaging a man’s scrotum while you suck his cock is the final piece of the penis puzzle. When he starts cumming, squeeze a little harder, like your milking his semen with every squeeze. His head will pop off his body.

1. I bet Selena Gomez is a world class knob polisher with those lips of hers. Plus she’s super-rich. Call me when you dump Bieber, Selena.

2. I tried to be my own knob polisher when I was fifteen. No dice.

RELATED TERMS:

Blowjob

Fellatio

I should point out that my dad was merely indicating to his young son (me) that alcohol has been used as a social lubricant and inhibition lowerer since humans started drinking. So, knowing that college is a time in a young man’s life when socializing and dating are key, he was passing on a very valid piece of fatherly advice. Drink responsibly, everybody. If you think someone has had too much to drink, give them a glass of water and take away their car keys. Only you can prevent forest fires.

But I digress.

The knee spreader bar is basically just a pole, about three feet long, with attachment points at both ends. You can attach cuffs to the attachment points, and then fasten someone’s knees, to the cuffs. If you wanted, you could also attach someone’s wrists or ankles to the bar, for even more kinky times. Used together with other S&M equipment, or by itself, the spreader bar is always a good time.

The Knee Spreader bar gives you unimpeded access to the bound person’s thighs and groin. In case you didn’t know it, there are some great places on the thigh and groin worth exploring during sex. Included, but not exclusive in that list are the pussy, anus, cock, balls, taint, and bush.

You don’t want the spreader bar to spread the legs too far and cause the person to pull a muscle. Nothing ruins a good S&M fuck tryst quicker than someone suddenly pulling a hammy. Good-bye anal. The spreader bar can be attached to something else, while it is attached to the person’s knees. You could build a set of pulleys and levers to elevate and lower the person. Check your blueprints over with a duly recognized architect before building anything that is going to suspend a person. Again, you don’t want the sexy times ended prematurely because your lover fell six feet because your anchoring bolts weren’t up to code. Good-bye anal.

You can build your own knee-spreader bar pretty easily. All you need is a sturdy piece of a broom handle, or closet rod. Make sure you don’t cut the circulation off in the person’s legs too badly. Communication and safety are the cornerstones to any S&M experience. Stay safe, kids.

1. When Dave saw his Dominatrix pull out the Knee Spreader, he knew there was going to be some pegging. He cock stiffened immediately. The Dominatrix saw Dave’s diaper bulging with his erection, and since she hadn’t given him permission to be aroused, used a nearby candle to gently singe the bottom of his feet until he screamed for her forgiveness.

2. Using a knee spreader on a slut is redundant.

RELATED TERMS:

BDSM

S&M

0 – exclusively heterosexual

1 – predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual

2 – predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual

3 – equally heterosexual and homosexual

4 – predominantly homosexual but more than incidentally heterosexual

5 – predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual

6 – exclusively homosexual

I’m not sure how someone can be “incidentally” homosexual, but I’m pretty sure Justin Bieber is it.

So, according to that scale, numbers one to five are some kind of bisexuality. Now they say that most people are bisexual in some way. I fully support this in all the ladies out there, and think they should kiss and feel each others bosoms in public whenever the bisexual urges strike. I myself am completely heterosexual, despite what my bunkmate back in summer camp would have you believe.

Besides – it’s not gay if you’re the one getting the blowjob from a guy. It’s only gay if you’re the guy giving it, right? After all, one of you has a dick in his mouth, and the other is getting a blowjob. Nothing gay about getting a blowjob. I guess technically when I masturbate, I’m technically giving a guy a handjob. The guy is me, of course, but I think it still counts. Based on that, and the fact that I’m currently wearing my girlfriend’s panties, I would consider myself incidentally homosexual.

And guys – just so you know – 7% of women aged 20-35 were given a 3 on the Kinsey scale. That means one in fourteen girls you know are into dick and pussy. Have you dated fourteen ladies in your life? One of them was definitely up for a girl-girl threesome with you. And you blew it! Keep your eyes and ears open from now on!

Kinsey published this scale in his book “Sexual Behavior in the Human Male” in 1948.  It was met with shock and scorn because back then people deluded themselves into believing the conventional belief that men and women were heterosexual or homosexual exclusively, and that the only ethical way to live is through abstinence until marriage. But then everyone with a free mind said, “Fuck that shit.”

Then the sixties came along. People got busy with the free love, and women started experimenting with bisexuality in college. It was a great time for the West. We broke away from bullshit restraints from irrelevant traditions and started to think for ourselves. Hopefully, some of us still do.

If you are a “Kinsey Six”, be proud of who you are. Love whoever you want, and fuck all the people you can. Stay safe and happy!

1. I would say that Michael Jackson was not always a Kinsey Six, but he definitely had his time as a K6 during his rhinestone glove period. Not many heterosexual men I know sport the single rhinestone glove.

2. Liberace was a Kinsey Six.

RELATED TERMS:

Bisexual

Gay

Some people think ill of the kept woman. Obviously the wife or girlfriend of the man she’s fucking is not going to be a fan. Other people see the kept woman as a kind of whore, selling hers sexual favors to the man in exchange for room and board, and presents. Feminists are critical of kept women too, saying that a woman should have so much more to offer the world, aside from opening her legs and throat.

I would respectfully disagree.

A kept woman is a beautiful and rare thing. First off, you have to have the money to set the bitch up. You need to cover her rent, bills, shopping, groceries, and lingerie tabs. That takes a lot of extra money that you can hide from your wife. Most wives will notice if suddenly you have three thousand less dollars a month.  So, you’ve got to be wealthy.

Second, the kept woman has got to know how to stay a secret. It’s no good setting up a sweet love nest with a hot young piece of pussy, only to have her call you at home and your wife answers. The kept woman must be able to never enter your home life at any point, ever. She has to understand that you won’t be spending every night with her, and that you’re often not going to spend the night even when you do drop by to fuck.

There are no snuggles for the kept woman.

Third, the kept woman has got to keep in shape. Take some of the money your sugar daddy gives you every month, and join a gym and yoga classes. If you suddenly spend all day eating bonbons and shopping, your ass is going to get fat, and he’s going to dump your ass for a newer, tighter model. Keep fit and flexible, and you’re good for at least two years. Throw in some sexy lingerie and sex toys, and you can stretch it out indefinitely.

If your wife or girlfriend ever catches you out with your kept woman, be ready with your excuses. I’m not sure what sort of excuse could get you out of your wife catching your tongue-fucking some young tart’s earhole, but prepare it in advance. Maybe she’s your new secretary, and you were telling her some company secrets. Obviously your wife or girlfriend may leave you if she catches you.

Great!

Stay single and keep lots of women after you get divorced. Winning!

1. Jason had the disposable dough to have a kept woman. She was twenty-two, and her pussy could grip a cock like a lumberjack grips his axe.

2. Hugh Hefner has a stable of kept women.

RELATED TERMS:

MILF

Mistress

It can be disheartening and depressing to fuck a kryo queen.

After all, ego plays a big part in any man’s sexuality. We feel like we have to deliver a quality sexual experience to the woman, and when we do, we feel like a god. Seeing a woman start to shudder and scream and tense up as she builds to a huge orgasm is epic. Watching her eyes roll back in her head and feeling her pussy start to grip and pulsate as she cums on your pounding cock is amazing. It’s what sex is all about – driving some lucky stranger to pleasure town.

The kryo queen fucks all that up.

Now, a lot of the times, it isn’t the woman’s fault. She could be frigid (hence, kryo) which is a medical condition. She might have some sort of mental or physical block preventing her from fully engaging during the sexual act. Maybe her Uncle Dave took her for a few inappropriate long walks in the back 40 when she hit puberty. Maybe she got kicked in the vagina during a karate class. Maybe she can’t feel love because of a shattering breakup when she was seventeen. Maybe her pussy is broken. There could be a million causes to make a woman have a sexual arousal disorder.

Shit, sometimes it’s hard enough to make a woman cum even if she’s completely normal. Not for me, you understand, but some of my buddies have voiced complaints.

The worst kind of kryo queen is the one that can clamp down her pussy muscles and give a man “penis captivus”. This is when the woman holds the penis in their vagina so that the man cannot pull out. Although there have only been a few documented cases of penis captivus, my guess is that those bitches were definitely kryo queens.

By the way, “kryo” is a variation of the spelling of “cryo”, which is Greek and means “icy cold”. I’ve never been in a cold pussy unless I’ve stuffed a few ice cubes up there for some temperature play beforehand. Even frigid women’s pussies are body temperature.

1. Lilith, Fraser’s wife on the television show “Cheers” presented herself as a real Kryo Queen to everyone. Woody’s wife Kelly, on the other hand, looked like a fantastic lay.

2.. Dump your girlfriend if she’s a Kryo Queen. There are lots of hot pussies out there!

RELATED TERMS:

Asexual

Fuck