Jacking the beanstalk is a slang term for male masturbation. It’s pretty obvious why: jacking off means masturbating, and a beanstalk looks phallic. Ta da!
It’s one of the more clever colloquialisms for spanking the monkey I’ve ever heard, and one that I am going to try to work into educated conversations I have with people. Feel free to adopt it into your vocabulary rotation too.
The original Jack and the Beanstalk legend is a great fairy tale, and filled with sexual symbolism. Jack trades a milk-less cow to some guy for some magic beans. The magic beans (flaccid penis) turn into a huge beanstalk that goes up to the sky (huge, erect penis). Jack climbs (strokes) the beanstalk (erect penis) until he’s in the clouds (semen). He steals the giant’s gold, chicken that lays golden eggs, and singing harp. While we never see Jack having sex with the harp or chicken, it is certainly implied. When the Giant realized Jack has taken off with his stuff, he follows him down the beanstalk (erect penis), but Jack chops down (circumcises) the beanstalk (erect penis), killing him.
It’s pretty racy stuff, considering we tell it to children just before they go to bed at night. And you remember the ogre’s rhyming threat to Jack:
“Fee Fi Foe Fum
I smell the salt of your creamy cum
Be it here or on the bed
I’ll soak it up with a piece of bread.”
There are lots of fairy tales that are really just sexual escapades masquerading as children’s stories. “Thumbelina” is all about anal thumb-probing. “The Emperor’s New Clothes” is about an exhibitionist streaker. “The Princess and the Pea” is about a guy with micropenis. “Puss in Boots” is about hookers in high heeled footwear. “Snow White” had an orgy with the seven dwarves. God, the symbolism is everywhere. You notice that Pinocchio’s wood nose grew just like an erection? Growing wood? Not a coincidence.
Now remember you heard it here first.
Ladies, if you want to jack your man’s beanstalk, there are a few tips I can give you in case you’re new to it. First, and most important is lube. Don’t dry-hand it. Get it wet. Sex lube works best, but you can use massage oil, spit, or pussy juice. Second, and almost as important, work the balls too. You’ve got two hands, right? Squeeze and massage his nutsack as you crank his man meat. Third, eye contact. Look into his eyes and make a connection while you stroke him. Beg for his cum while you look into his eyes and you feel him start to climax.
That should get you started.
1. Peter started Jacking the Beanstalk as soon as he got home from watching the R-rated teen comedy he went to see with his buddies. He was just about to orgasm when he realized he lived in a tee-pee with many other people and they were all watching.
2. Jacking the Beanstalk is my favorite sleeping pill.
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