Junk also refers to waste or garbage. So it’s funny that we’ve transferred this term over to refer to a man’s genitals. My boyfriend keeps a clean shop. A clean junk shop. He told me so himself. That’s all I’ve got to say about that.

Chicks can use the word junk to refer to their own parts too. Lady junk. Girly junk. Junkity junk junk.

Junk comes in all shapes and sizes. Some dudes have huge dicks with tiny balls and others have a massive ball sac with a smaller dick (or at least it looks smaller than normal next to those huge balls). Some dudes have hairy junk, some have no hair or less hair or they shave their balls.

Ladies love the junk, or at least the straight and the bisexual ladies do. Actually, even some lesbians love the junk and want some of their own. I’ve always wanted junk, even though I’ve got my own lady junk. I’d love to have a dick. If I could have chosen my own body, I would have a super fit and curvy woman’s body with nice firm tits and a giant cock. Luckily we have plastic options for those specific nights when you really need to just have a dick, but sometimes I wish I had my own, one that worked. I suppose you could say I have penis envy. But I don’t want to be a dude. I like being a sexy lady. Mostly I just wish I had some dude junk for those days when I want to fuck the shit out of some hottie. I don’t think it’s too much to ask.

1. My boyfriend’s junk is so hot that when he gets out of the shower I just have to get down on my knees and suck his cock immediately. It’s becoming a real problem because he’s almost always late for work and while he loves blow jobs, his boss is starting to threaten him with warnings that he’s gonna get fired if he keeps this up. The thing is, I’m really good at blowjobs so it’s especially hard for my boyfriend to resist.

2. I’m kind of worried about my junk. Lately it has been itchy down there and my dick has bee oozing green stuff from the tip. I’ve fucked, like, twenty chicks in the last three or four months and I’m thinking maybe one of them gave me something. I’m worried I’ve got syphilis. The thing is, I don’t want to go get checked out because I live in a small town and my mom runs the only health clinic in town. What I might do instead is just sneak into her office and try to steal some antibiotics or something. Either that or maybe I can take a trip into the city to see the junk doctor.

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Cock

Dick

My partner is like that with his best friend. When they get together I pretty much don’t understand anything they say to each other. It’s all Monty Python and Shakespeare quotes and weird inside jokes they’ve had since they were thirteen. Most dudes who are joined at the dick are geeks at heart. They know they can’t completely geek out with their girlfriends (unless their girlfriends are super geeks too) so they save it for their bromance.

When two dudes are joined at the dick they do all the same things that anyone does in a relationship. They finish each other’s sentences. They know each other’s favourite foods, including their ideal meal at each restaurant they go to and their back up meal. They know what the other does when they’re down and out and they know exactly what it will take to cheer them up (in the case of my boyfriend, two shots of whiskey, a bag of bridge mix, and a night of The Walking Dead….of course I know this but I just don’t have the same touch that Mike does.). They know all of the most important moments in the other’s life. A dude remembers when his bro broke his arm playing football when he was trying to impress Carla who was two years his senior and had the bounciest fullest boobs he’d ever seen. In turn, his bro remembers when he fell of his bike trying to do tricks to impress Leah, the band geek who’s virginity he hoped to take by the end of grade eleven.

Bros get each other. Joined at the dick.

Chicks are joined at the pussy, sure, but it’s different. We can play the intimacy card and nobody notices. We know everything about each other and that’s totally normal. We love each other with our whole hearts and nobody throws us a second glance. Really, it’s all just loving friendships, but for some reason with dudes we have to make fun of them because otherwise it’s gay. And nobody wants to get all gay with his best bro. Meanwhile us ladies are having pillow fights in our bras and panties and those pillow fights are turning into hot nights of passion. I’m so glad I’m a woman. I can touch boobs whenever I want to. I can look at pussy any day of the week. Real pussy, not just porn pussy.

1. Those two have always been joined at the dick. Look at them, getting ready to go camping together, planning on sharing the same tent. It’s gonna be one big circle jerk in that tent tonight.

2. Last time I was joined at the dick with anyone it all fell apart when he got married. Now my straight dick is lonely, even though my girlfriend sucks it dry every night.

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Bromance

Gay

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The term ‘Johnson’ is slang for penis. It’s a general or generic name for an unknown person or thing, so in terms of the penis, it’s a way of naming it. If you haven’t named yours personally already, you can just call it your Johnson if you so desire.

But let’s talk about this whole ‘naming your dick’ phenomenon for a second. Do guys really do this? If so, is this just a way to separate the penis from the human (and the human brain) so that the human doesn’t have to take responsibility or claim any control over what the penis does? Like, if your dick is named Harvey, then it was Harvey’s fault that the girl you like is pressing charges against you because Harvey forced himself inside her. You had no idea he was going to do that and you certainly wouldn’t condone sexual assault. But how can you be blamed? Your name is Jake. Your dick’s name is Harvey. Harvey’s the one who’s at fault here.

Yeah, that’s fucked.

That’s basically the real reason dudes name their dicks (to avoid having to be responsible for them), but along those same lines dudes like to think of their dick as their friend and confidant. They like to be able to refer to it in the third person and talk to it as though they’re buddies having a sleepover. And I suppose the cock does sometimes take on a life of its own. It’s laying there flaccid and limp one minute and the next it’s five times its original size and throbbing and hunting around like a dog’s nose, looking in hunger for some tasty pussy or ass to sink itself into.

1. My Johnson is kind of curved and I’m feeling kind of freaked out by it. I fucked for the first time a few weeks ago and when the girl I was with saw it her eyes bulged out. She didn’t say anything but she was worried I was gonna break her insides or something. And when I say it’s curved, it’s like, almost bent to a ninety degree angle. I know this isn’t normal but I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid to go to a doctor because I don’t want surgery. Anyway, when I fucked her it seemed to go okay. She totally came six times just from my cock being inside her. I wonder why she hasn’t returned my texts yet.

2. I wish I didn’t have to use Viagra. I wish I could just will my dick to get hard. I watch so much porn it’s sick. I think about the girls I went to school with all those years ago, their short skirts flipping about, their long legs. Somehow that just makes my dick even more limp. But then there’s Henry next door. Henry with his rock hard abs, always mowing the lawn without his shirt. Fuck, when I think about Henry, my Johnson gets so stiff and swollen I’m sure it’s gonna break off.

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Cock

Penis

Some women are self conscious when they’re on top, which is really a shame and something that should be remedied. Most women have body issues and feel vulnerable and exposed in the cowgirl position so they tend to slump over a bit so as to keep themselves a little bit hidden. A lot of women feel uncomfortable about how their bodies look during the physical movement that sex requires. You can’t keep your body tight and contained during sex. Well, not if you want the sex to be good, anyway. If you want the sex to be decent and hot then you’ve got to be willing to free yourself from your inhibitions and the shame you may feel about your body. You have to let your breasts bounce and jiggle and sway and you have to be okay with that. And, to go a step further, doing some jiggly ball will always get your man going. Always. Who doesn’t want to watch a chick grabbing and jiggling her own tits? Everyone wants that. Everyone.

1. I was on top of my girlfriend, fucking her hard plastic dick, and my tits were just bouncing around like crazy and they were starting to hurt. My girlfriend hates it when I hold my tits while I’m on top because then she can’t see them move and she LOVES to see them move. So I’d heard of this thing called jiggly ball, where you grab your tits and jiggle them while you’re on top. It totally worked. My girlfriend’s eyes got really wide the second I started doing it and she basically exploded about thirty seconds later. She shot her cum so hard I could feel it splash into me and that made me come all over her hard cock. It was amazing.

2. Jiggly ball is routine for me when I’m fucking my boyfriend. He just loves watching me grab my own tits. He loves the fact that I’ve got these huge jugs and I can barely hold them in my hands so they kind of spill out around the sides and between my fingers and when they jiggle he just goes fucking crazy. Like his dick gets fifty times harder inside me and when he comes, he shoots his cum in me so hard it almost comes out of my mouth.

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Boobs

Tits

My favourite thing as of late is to go on facebook and check out pictures of my lady friends wearing bikinis. I admit it, I’m obsessed with boobs. Who isn’t really, when you think about it. I just spent the last half an hour looking at my friend’s pictures from her trip to Disney Land. When I got to the pictures of her at the hotel pool I spent what felt like hours just checking out her cleavage. Her jugs are round and quite perfectly shaped. She was wearing a string bikini and her boobs looked like these amazingly delicious half-moons. I wanted to put my mouth on them.

Perhaps it is the sucking aspect, the breast feeding, the fact that nipples actually produce milk and milk is like food, nourishing and tasty, which is basically a comfort thing because food is comforting, like eating meatloaf and mashed potatoes. So we, as humans, see breasts and both nourishing and comforting. If we suck on them we’ll be taken care of in terms of our physical and emotional health. And boobs themselves and round and squishy and soft and look like pancakes.

I must admit, I like a round boob, something that you can cup in your hand, but at the end of the day I’ll take a smaller titty or a bigger jug or just about anything boob related. I wouldn’t kick a set of my boobs out of bed for eating crackers.

The first time I really started to notice jugs on women in a sexual way was when my neighbor Alana came over to swim at my house one day after school. I hadn’t seen her all summer because my family had been away, and in that two months Alana had suddenly grown breasts. They were full and round and they filled out her bathing suit top and at first I was just curious and then I was kind of jealous and then I realized that all I really wanted to do was touch them. I didn’t care that I didn’t have my own, I just wanted to put my hands on hers. Her boobs kept growing and became jugs considerably faster than any of the rest of us. I think she suffered for it. Guys were always poking her sides and commenting on the shape of her large breasts.

By the time my breasts were fully grown I was already obsessed. I had to sit on my hands sometimes for fear that I might reach out and grab some girl’s tits during gym class. I was hopeful that one day I might get to hold a girl’s jugs in my hands and give them a good squeeze.

1. That chick has enormous jugs.

2. Those jugs are dripping with milk. Quick, stick a baby under her tit. Or a mug of coffee.

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Boobs

Ta Tas

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A Juicy Lucy is a woman that can squirt when she has an orgasm. In other words, a lady that can experience female ejaculation. In my experience, of the 349 women I’ve brought to screaming orgasm, only a handful would qualify as a Juicy Lucy. I cherish each and every one of those beautiful women, because making a woman squirt is like finding fifty bucks in your winter jacket. It’s awesome.

The key to making a woman into a Juicy Lucy is all about the G-Spot. To stimulate the G-spot, you first need to know where it is. You put your index and middle fingers into a woman’s vagina, facing up towards her navel. About two or three inches in, you start making the “come here” motion with your fingers again and again, rubbing against the G-spot and building the woman to orgasm. I also recommend some simultaneous cunnilingus on her clit.

As she begins to build to orgasm, rub her G-spot harder and faster. Most women say the experience a sensation like they’re going to urinate just before they have a squirting orgasm. This stops a lot of women from climaxing and squirting. The thing is, you have to tell them to push when they feel that urination sensation. Tell them that they won’t pee, and that it will be their ejaculate. It might take some convincing, since nobody wants to piss the bed.

Once you’ve turned your lady into a Juicy Lucy, you’ll want to take some precautions before letting her squirt her pussy juices all over the place. First, move all valuables and electronics away from the blast zone. Nothing sullies a squirting orgasm faster than watching the fluid soak your ipad. Next, consider buying some rubber sheets. All the women that I’ve made have a squirting orgasm shot a lot of fluid out, soaking my sheets. So, once I knew I was dealing with a squirter, I went to a store and got some rubber sheets. I told the cashier that it was for my elderly grandparents who couldn’t hold their water through the night.

It’s great to make a woman cum, but sleeping in a big puddle is never fun. Throw the rubber sheets on your bed, make her squirt, then change the sheets back to your normal cotton, or silk sheets. Then go to bed smiling, knowing that you made a woman have a squirting orgasm. That’s rare, dude. Well done.

For a good visual lesson in squirting orgasms, obviously you can watch some Cytherea porn clips. She is known as the Squirting Queen in the adult movie world. And for good reason. That gorgeous creature can have multiple squirting orgasms that make a guy’s miniscule cumshots look pathetic. Plus she’s super hot. I love Cytherea. The cameras they use for her shoots must be underwater cameras, because she soaks them with her cum.

So hot!

1. Fred told his wife that with some practice, she could be a Juicy Lucy.

2. Jessica Tandy was not a Juicy Lucy at the end.

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Orgasm 

Personally, I’d rather not put shit into the mouth of anyone that I plan to eventually kiss, but then again, I’m a bit of a germophobe.

On the other hand, I do love giving a sexy woman some deep analingus. There is just something so hot about bending a woman over into doggy style position and spreading her firm ass cheeks apart. Hearing her moan as I lick around her anus in some delicate rim job action. Hearing her gasp as the tip of my tongue pushes into her anus. Listening to her groan as I play with her clit with one hand while I tongue fuck her asshole. Yeah, that’s the good stuff, baby.

So maybe it’s a double standard. Why can’t a woman have shit in her mouth too? It’s the twenty-first century after all. Yes. Equality. I’ve just changed my whole point of view on the Juanita Special Bean Dip. If the woman is into it, I’m happy to do it.

Actually, now that I think about it, I guess I’ve done the Juanita Special Bean Dip with my cock a bunch of times when a woman has gone ass-to-mouth with me. I’ve been with some freaky bitches in my day, and some of them didn’t mind sucking my dick after I’d fucked them in the asshole. Usually they had given themselves a thorough enema before the sexual activity, so I’m sure the bacterial complications were minimized. I still wouldn’t kiss them until they brushed their teeth and gargled with antiseptic mouthwash though.

There are plenty of health risks to any sort of anal to oral activity. So, if you’re going to try it, make sure everyone is on the same page. Get checked at the clinic before you do it. Minimize risks by consulting sexual professionals and board-recognized dominatrixes. If you’re in a monogamous relationship, then obviously risks are lowered. But do you really want to stuff a finger full of shit into the mouth of the mother of your children? She’s going to kiss them on the forehead the next morning as she sends them off to school. You don’t want the image from the night before to come up then, do you?

I don’t know. It’s a free country. Do what you want.

1. After a night of his girlfriend talking shit about him, Larry decided to let her really talk some shit when he gave her the Juanita Special Bean Dip during their sexual times later that night.

2. I wonder if Ashton ever gave Demi the Juanita Special Bean Dip.

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Analingus

Dirty Sanchez

I suppose there could be a Jill Gagger, if a woman ever pimped out her husband to other women. I can’t think of many women that would do that. Maybe Angelina Jolie. She’s a freaky sex wife.

So, you may ask, why would any guy sell his wife’s pussy to other guys for money? Well, I guess there are a couple reasons. The first, and most obvious to me, is because the husband is probably tired of his wife’s tired old pussy and boring sex routine in the bedroom. After ten years of marriage, let’s face it – the wife isn’t going to bring anything new to the bedroom. You’ve fucked her in every imaginable position and hole countless times, and have heard the same moans and groans for years. It’s boring.

Second, and just as important, is that money is awesome. You can use it to go on “business trips” where you take younger, hotter, tighter women on tropical vacations. You nail the new women and spend all the money the wife is bringing in by fucking strange men. Hell, if the wife brings in enough money, you can really live it up with new women. Maybe hook up some threesomes with a couple twenty-something twins in Bermuda. Talk about getting lost in the triangle!

Lastly, a good reason to let other men fuck your wife for money is so that she can get a few last thrills in her boring life. Believe me, as bored as you are with her, she’s just as bored with you. Suddenly she has all these new and exciting men with their new and exciting sex techniques fucking the shit out of her. God willing, she’ll get a few bigger cocks in her so she can experience the thrill of getting stretched and opened up again. God knows you’re dick ain’t going to do that for her anymore.

It goes without saying that if you’re going to become a Jack Gagger, then you should interview all the men that are going to fuck your wife. You should ensure a quality clientele for your loving bride, and ensure that each man has a clean bill of sexual health. Also, they should all use condoms. It wouldn’t hurt if your wife went on the pill for an added level of insurance against unwanted pregnancy.

Best of all: the tax man never knows about all the extra income! Perfect!

1. Gus’s buddies all gave his wife a fuck when he decided to become a Jack Gagger. Gus used the money to pay for his kids’ college.

2. Most Jack Gaggers don’t take credit cards.

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Whore

When you want to jump someone’s bones, you really really want to fuck them, or vise versa. You’re not just horny for them, you’re super-horny for them. The jumping is the key here. You’re not willing to just slowly undress and get some foreplay going. You’re actually going to jump on them when you see them, and get the in-and-out going asap. Hopefully the person whose bones you jump are in the mood too. Otherwise, somebody’s gonna have some very blue balls.

If a woman jumps a man’s bones, she’s really only jumping one particular bone: his cock. The cock doesn’t actually have any bones in it, but when it’s stiff, seems as hard as any other bone in the body. Hence the word “boner”.  In actuality, if a woman wanted to jump the biggest bone on a man, she’d likely choose the femur. It’s the largest bone in the body, and is used for jumping. Connections!

Continuing down the road of jumping and bones, Evil Knievel, the famous motorcycle daredevil loved jumping things. He never jumped bones (mostly busses and the Grand Canyon and shit like that), but he did break bones. He was quoted as saying there wasn’t a bone in his body that hadn’t been broken. Commitment!

Then there is a Buffalo jump. That’s a cliff that native peoples used for forcing buffalo to jump off of and break their bones. Once they were immobilized, they’d move in with the spears and arrows and whatnot. In fact, there is an actual place in Alberta, Canada called Head-Smashed-In-Buffalo-Jump. Not a very romantic name for a town. Very few bed-and-breakfasts.

If you’re going to jump someone’s bones, make sure neither you nor they have osteoporosis. If either of you do, rather than jumping each other’s bones, you should go to bingo in the common room.

Just like wanting to jump on someone’s bones is good, there is an opposite expression. People say “Jump off my clit” or “Jump off my dick” if they want to be left alone. It is a slightly less offensive way of telling someone to fuck off. That’s why I use it with grandma when she tells me to get my life together. She cries a little and then joins her friends for bingo in the common room.

When you jump someone’s bones, there is the possibility that you will also “Jump the curb”. That’s when you accidentally slip out of a woman’s vagina, and your penis slides into her asshole. The curb is her taint, in this metaphor. It has happened to all of us, and the thing to remember is that if she’s into it, just keep fucking. If not, wash your dick off, apologize, and get back in her snooch.

1. When Rick got out of the Army he wanted to Jump Someone’s Bones. He chose a lucky whore down at the brothel to pound for four hours.

2. Single women at weddings are always looking to Jump Someone’s Bones.

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Erection 

Fuck

Every now and then you have to bring your joystick to the repair shop to get a button or spring fixed; every now and then you have to bring your penis to the doctor to get your gonorrhea fixed. Not me, you understand – I use rubbers – but some of my buddies have talked to me about it.

There are all sorts of different kinds of joysticks. There are the old-school Atari joysticks that are really basic – one stick about four inches long, and one button on the base of the controller. Perfect for playing Asteroids, or sticking up a kinky woman’s smooch. Use a condom, of course.

Then there are the joysticks with the trigger and the form-fitting hand grip. God it’d be sweet if our penises were shaped more like that. The contours for holding it would stimulate a woman’s g-spot much more effectively than the single ridge on today’s penis. And if you could actually pull a trigger on your cock to make yourself cum? That would be amazing. When I need to “pull the trigger” to make myself cum, I just think about this hot waitress at my local pub and stick my thumb up my ass. Squirt city.

Today’s video game systems such as the Wii use differently shaped controllers to play more interactive games, like hula-hooping or dancing. It won’t be long before there is a sex doll controller for a fucking game. You fuck the sex doll, and on screen there is a computer animation of a beautiful woman getting fucked by you. If you can make her cum, you win!

Mark my words. It’s coming. And so will you!

The game could teach you all about different speeds and rhythms and techniques for fucking. The doll could have a g-spot sensor for a special bonus fuck level. For those who could afford it, the doll would have adjustable Kegel controls and a secondary (asshole) input hole. They should do a lot of testing before releasing the sex doll for Wii, since you don’t want the robot vagina in the sex doll malfunctioning and causing any permanent damage to innocent penises.

Kind of gives a new meaning to the game “Space Invaders”. Because you’ll be “invading” her “space”. Meaning her vagina or asshole.

1. Karen gripped my joystick firmly under the dinner table.

2. John Wayne Bobbitt went from joystick to roller-ball controller.

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Cock

Penis