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The Ivory Lawnmower occurs when a person uses their teeth to cut or trim their sexual partner’s pubes. I’m not sure what sort of mutant teeth the people who perform the Ivory Lawnmower have, but I’ve certainly never been able to cut a woman’s pubes with my choppers.
Don’t get me wrong – I’ve definitely had a shit-ton of pubes in my mouth over the years. But usually they just fall out naturally during my vigorous cunnilingus motions. Or, if they get stuck in between my teeth, sometimes I pull a pube or two out of the lady’s bush. I suppose if I wanted to, I could use my teeth to pluck a pube out of my lady’s bush, but that would hurt her. And one thing you don’t want to do while you’re downstairs on a lady is inflict pain to her crotch. Pleasure is the key.
If you do have the kind of teeth that can actually trim a woman’s pubes, then you’re a very lucky person. Plus, either your mother or father fucked a woodchuck, so you should let scientists take a look at your genetic structures. You may hold the key to a future when all humans have the amazing ability to cut hair with their teeth. Contact your local university immediately.
I think that all women, regardless of age, creed, or color, should trim their pubes down to a reasonable level at all times. The best is obviously a completely shaved vagina, with a little tuft of hair on top. This way, you can still have the fun of styling your pubes, but no random hairs will end up in your lover’s mouth. I tell all my steady girlfriends that from the clit up to her bellybutton is her free choice of pube hairstyle. But below the clit, it should be as clean and smooth as possible. Nothing ruins the vibe or cunnilingus quicker than a long, coarse pube in the throat or caught in your gums.
Dudes, you too should keep your pubes under control. If your dick is fully erect, and you can only see the tip peeking out of your pubes, you’ve got to trim that shit back. It’ll end up tickling your girlfriend’s nose while she gives you a blowjob, making her sneeze and getting snot throughout your bush. Not a good look during sexual activity. It’s a real buzz kill.
Now, since pubic hair is a natural body accoutrement, there are those that suggest that letting the pubes grow wild and free is the only way to go. To those people I say, go back to the seventies where you belong. There is no room for you here in the future.
1. Tim had a huge winter bush, but after his girlfriend gave him the Ivory Lawnmower during an amazing blowjob, he was bald as an eagle downstairs.
2. Sheila had groomed her bush into her boyfriend Ernie Orwell’s initials “E.O.”. She was pissed when he gave her the Ivory Lawnmower and changed the letters to “F.U.”
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