An Inside the Ballpark Homerun is when you have sex with someone in a ballpark, or stadium, or some other arena where lots of people are watching a game of some sort. It is obviously illegal and awesome, just like smoking weed while watching a meteor shower on a public beach somewhere. In both cases, if you get caught, don’t sweat it. Unless you’re a fugitive, the repercussions will definitely be less than a life sentence in prison.
Don’t quote me on that when you’re hauled up in front of some stern-ass judge. I’m no lawyer, despite what I tell the sluts at the club.
Anyway, I’ll tell you a little bit about the actual inside the ballpark homerun. That’s when, in a baseball game, someone hits the ball and it stays in the ballpark, but they are still somehow able to run every base without being thrown out. They are extremely rare, especially in the modern baseball era (about 1 in every 150 homeruns in an inside the park). I’m not sure what sort off craptastic ball club can’t get a player out before he runs all the bases, but I assume it’s probably the Blue Jays.
In fact, in 2009, a player named Kyle Blanks, who weighs a whopping 285 pounds, somehow waddled himself all the way around the bases for an inside the park homerun. How? Just …how?
But back to the sex. As everyone knows, in baseball terms, a homerun is when you fuck somebody. First base is kissing, second is touching, third base is oral, and for those frisky players out there, fifth base is anal. If you can manage to convince your lover to give it up while you’re at the ballpark, then you’ve accomplished the inside the park homerun. The trick is to avoid security and the scrutiny of others.
Don’t assume that just because you climb up to the shitty seats during a poorly attended game that no one will notice you. In fact, more people will notice because they’ll all be wondering why you’re up there instead of down in better seats watching the game. The bathroom is a good place because of the privacy of the stall, but still not perfect.
The best place to fuck someone at an arena or ballpark is under the cover of one of the merchandise booth tables. Just slide whatever teenager is hocking the shittiest merch a twenty and he’ll let you do whatever you want. He doesn’t give a shit. He’s just waiting for his shift to end so he can do some meth with his girlfriend and spend the whole night fucking too.
Again, don’t quote me if you’re caught and hauled up in front of that hard-ass judge. You don’t know me. I don’t know you.
1. During a Red Sox game, I got an inside the park homerun with my fiancée. I stretched her pink and brown socks at the red sox game.
2. Jim got a ton of high-fives when the clip of him getting an inside the park homerun was aired on Sports Center.
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