An illegitimate child is a baby that has been born when their parents were not married. I don’t see what the big deal is, myself – you don’t have to be married to fuck, so why should you have to be married when you shit out a kid? Makes no difference. Married or not, they’re still going to keep you up at night and drain your bank accounts for the next eighteen years.
And, it seems, people agree with me. In fact, in 2009, almost 40% of the babies born were to an unwed mother! Almost half the kids were bastards! I know it sounds harsh to describe them as such, but it is an accurate word. I could have called them “whoresons”, which is an actual word to describe an illegitimate child, but that would be cruel. In the popular television series “Mad Men”, Don Draper is a literal whoreson. And he turned out Ok. So, for all you love-children out there (a love-child is a nice way of saying whoreson), don’t let the fact that you’re an illegitimate child get you down! You’re just as capable as anyone else!
In the words of MC Hammer, “you’re too illegit to quit.”
In fact, there have been loads of famous and successful illegitimate children through the ages. Confucius, Leonardo da Vinci, Eva Peron, and Steve Jobs were all born out of wedlock. And they all kicked ass!
If you’re into having sex and kids outside of wedlock, you should go to Iceland. In 2007, a full 66% of kids were born illegitimately. Sounds like they got some easy bitches in Iceland. Getting me a ticket ASAP. Conversely, in Japan, there were only 2% of out-of-wedlock children born in 2007.
It’s mostly religious people that talk about how you need to be married before you have children, and cast aspersions on those who are not. Well, my sanctimonious friends, did you know that there have been many POPES throughout history that have had illegitimate kids with women? While they were pope! Pope Alexander VI had at least seven, and as many as ten kids with various women while he was pope. So, the next time some religious a-hole starts giving you shit, throw some history in their face.
Or some knuckles.
I don’t think that you should get married just because you get a woman pregnant. If you love her, and were going to get married anyway, then fine. But rushing into a marriage just so that grandma and grandpa don’t raise their eyebrows at you for having an illegitimate child is a mistake. Why? Because most marriages are mistakes. More than 50% end in divorce, and the other 50% are bored as shit. Not good statistics, are they?
Stay single. Stay safe. Stay happy.
1. Jason fucked so many women that it was inevitable that he’d end up with an illegitimate child.
2. Beyonce had my illegitimate child and told JZ it was his. Stupid rappers.
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