Iconolagnia is sexual arousal from looking at nude pictures, sculptures, and statues. It affects both men and women, although men typically get more pleasure from visual sexual representations than women do. Women typically get off more from emotional sensations like seeing how expensive your car is, or how much your watch cost.
Don’t want no scrubs, right ladies?
Anyway, back to iconolagnia. I can pretty much guarantee that every single man in the history of history suffers from iconolagnia. Shit, just take a look at some of those cave paintings from the caveman days. They gave the women in those paintings some huge-ass titties. Why? Because they probably sat around spanking the “little caveman” when no one was watching.
I remember the glorious day I found my dad’s stash of nudie mags from his bachelor days. I was rooting through the boxes in the attic looking for something to pawn so I could afford to buy a Huffy bicycle. I opened up one of the boxes and there, right on the top of it all, was a pristine issue of Hustler magazine. I think it had a picture of a sexy brunette with huge tits and an Olivia Newton John headband on. I’m sure my thirteen year-old eyes must have bugged out when I saw that beauty.
Anyway, there were about ten or so primo skin mags in there. And not the hoity-toity Playboy kind, either. In case you don’t know, Playboy doesn’t show anything too hardcore. They still try to make it art. Most other skin mags show spread open vaginas with dildos in the asshole. Dad knew what he was doing. He got the good stuff with dildos in assholes. There were issues of Swank, Cheri, Gent, Penthouse, High Society, and, my personal favorite, Club International.
There was one particular pictorial that made my thirteen year old balls boil. It was three blonde bombshells with huge tits all having a lesbian threesome in a steamy sauna. They were wet, wild, and had a bunch of sex toys to play with. Seeing a picture of a perfect ten with her tongue probing another perfect ten’s asshole while she slid a fat vibrator into her pussy was more than I could take. I’m not saying I masturbated right there and then in the attic, but let’s just say I added a little extra “snow” on the Christmas ornaments that were in a box beside me up there.
I’ve never got too hot looking at any statues, but I noticed when I was looking at Michelangelo’s “David” statue that women would just stare and stare at his penis. Dirty bitches.
1. When Fred was stationed at a remote northern post by the Army, he brought up his collection of Juggs magazines. His knew his iconolagnia was going to get epic, so he had each page laminated before his flight up there.
2. Looking at the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue in my doctor’s office waiting room made me hard as a rock. Yes, I suffer from iconolagnia.
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