The coolest thing about inbreeding is that the more often its done, the more likely it is that the babies resulting from that inbreeding will be born with some really cool genetic defects. Like, they might be born with wings or horns and a tail. They might have claws for fingernails or paws for hands or their entire body could be covered in scales. There’s also the potential for a third eye, kind of like the three-eyed fish that shows up in The Simpsons every so often. The awesome part about having a third eye is that you can usually use it to predict the future or even see into the future. Or, if it’s on the back of your head, you can totally see what’s going on behind your back. It can be super useful.

Another rad thing about inbreeding is that sometimes your relatives are just so fucking hot because, well, they kind of look like you. If you can hook up with one of your relatives and reproduce with them you just might end up creating a super ego-boosting child.

If you are the result of inbreeding don’t take it too hard. With the Internet you can most certainly find support groups for your freaky suction-cup hands and the weird fur that’s taken over your body. You may look like Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf, but you can definitely find others who are just like you; outcast, furry, and alone. Then you can start your own inbred army and totally take over the world, killing all the ‘normal’ people and starting a new human race of genetic mutants. Everyone will dress like they do on Degrassi and everyone will have bad hair and greasy skin and we’ll all just want to sleep with each other anyway.

1. My best friend’s parents are cousins. He told me that when he was drunk and I don’t think he really remembers telling me. It’s a little awkward now because whenever I go over I keep staring at them, looking for the family resemblance. It’s also awkward because I’m pretty sure that’s the reason why my friend has hooves.

2. My uncle’s totally inbred. He’s a redneck who lives on a farm and stalks girls. He likes to stuff gofers and shoot pop and beer cans. He doesn’t like to shower and there’s usually a cloud of flies buzzing around him at all times.

RELATED TERMS:

Abortion

Abstinence

The first Ipod I ever had was a nano, so you can guess that I wasn’t trying to compensate for much. But then I started going bigger and better and suddenly I started getting looks from people, looks that informed me that I was being judged and scrutinized. I got those same looks when I started getting foot long hot dogs at lunch, but apparently those were just curiosity looks from people trying to figure out if I’m a fag.

My dick is average size but average never does feel good enough, you know? I know you know. All men get this. And what does average really even mean? Sometimes I wish I was a fag just so I could find out what other dude’s dicks look like when they’re rock hard. I’m a shower not a grower, so what you see is almost what you get. My dick looks impressive but when it starts to go hard it’s pretty obvious that it’s not changing too much. It maybe gets an inch or two bigger when it gets to its rock hard state. I had a friend in high school that was a grower. I know cause I saw him flaccid and I saw him hard. Him and I and another buddy of ours used to have pretty regular circle jerks. Once I saw him getting out of the shower after gym class and I couldn’t even see his dick. It was like it had crawled right back up his body. I could just see his nut sac hanging there. But when we’d jerk off together and his dick was nice and hard, he was six or seven inches at least. I used to feel bad about myself after that. I should’ve have jerked off with him cause then he would have only seen my dick when it was soft. My dick looks pretty impressive soft.

1. My IPod definitely makes my dick look bigger. I really wish that wasn’t true.

2. The last IPod I owned is all sticky. I used to watch porn videos on it and jerk off in the bathroom at work. Now the buttons won’t work properly and I think some of my jizz got under the screen. My wife keeps wanting to borrow for when she goes jogging. She doesn’t know I watch porn and jerk off seven or eight times a day. It’s only because she won’t fuck me anymore. Not that I’d want her to, the prude.

RELATED TERMS:

Cock

Penis

Let’s talk about religion for a second. In spite of the fact that I’m not religious at all, I seem to have an extremely religious extended family. We’re taking fundamental Christians all over the place. Pentecostal, Mennonite, all raising their hands and praising Jesus and asking for miracles and being ‘saved’. A few years ago I went to my cousin’s wedding. We were late for the ceremony but just in time for the extremely creepy prayer circle that had surrounded my cousin and his new wife. They had members from their church standing around them, each with a hand on either my cousin’s back or his wife’s back and they were all eyes closed and praying. And then they turned to the front and sang songs about Jesus. It was massively uncomfortable. My cousin was twenty-four. A twenty-four year old pastor who was most definitely a virgin. And we wonder why people rush into marriage, an institution that has a horrible success rate. Combine infatuation with religious ‘morality’ and you have a recipe for marriage. But not the kind of marriage that’s based on growth and friendship and learning about each other, but the kind of marriage that’s based on an extreme desire to get into that person’s pants already for fuck sakes.

I’ve definitely experienced infatuation, we all have. I don’t think I confused it terribly for love but there were times when I wondered if it was love. The thing is, love is less dramatic. If you’re ever unsure as to whether what you’re experiencing is love or lust, take a step back and look at your life. Is your heart racing and do you flip flop between extreme anxiety and extreme giddiness? Can you eat normally or are you too excited to even swallow? Are you able to think about yourself, your life, your friends and their lives, your family? Or are you just obsessed with seeing that person. Lust dies. Not forever, but it comes and goes, for sure, and the lust you have at the beginning is never the same as the lust you have later on in your relationships. If love is nurtured, it won’t die. But only if it’s nurtured.

1. I’m infatuated with him.

2. My infatuation is so intense that I might have to throw myself off the Lions Gate Bridge if he doesn’t want to marry me.

RELATED TERMS:

Libido

Lust

Of course if she’s not that attractive, you’re going to be more strict about the eating crackers (or toast, or chips, or really anything that could leave crumbs) in bed. You might also insist on more and/or longer blow jobs. Hot girls can eat just about anything in bed that they want to. They can go to town on a huge bucket of hot wings and get the sheets all slimy and smeared with red sauce and you wouldn’t care.

It doesn’t seem to matter how hot I am, my boyfriend will never let me eat crackers in bed. I could come to bed wearing the sexiest laciest lingerie or encased in leather with a blindfold on and he’d send me to the kitchen if I wanted to eat anything. It kind of pisses me off. I mean, I do my part, I keep myself looking good for him. I go to the gym and I work on building my muscles and toning my body. I wear thongs all the fucking time. I give him mad blow jobs. All I want to do is eat some fucking cracker in bed, yo. I swear, that shouldn’t be too much to ask. Especially with all the sex he gets out of the deal.

1. I met this hottie the other day. She just moved into my building and I ran into her in the lobby when she was picking up her mail. Damn. She’s got long curly red hair and big tits and she was wearing lululemon pants and her ass was all high and firm and I could tell she had just finished a workout because she was just a little bit sweaty. Fuck. I just wanted to fuck her. I’ve got to find a way to get her in my apartment. I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating crackers, that’s for sure.

2. I told my girlfriend that I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating crackers and she’s taken that to mean she can eat all her fucking meals in my bed. The sheets are always sticky. The other day I caught her eating a giant watermelon in my bed. She’s also getting fatter. Like every day I’ve been noticing that her ass is getting bigger. Normally I’d be into that, but pretty soon her ass is gonna take up the entire bed.

RELATED TERMS:

Hotness Hypnosis

I’d Hit That

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The Ivory Lawnmower occurs when a person uses their teeth to cut or trim their sexual partner’s pubes. I’m not sure what sort of mutant teeth the people who perform the Ivory Lawnmower have, but I’ve certainly never been able to cut a woman’s pubes with my choppers.

Don’t get me wrong – I’ve definitely had a shit-ton of pubes in my mouth over the years. But usually they just fall out naturally during my vigorous cunnilingus motions. Or, if they get stuck in between my teeth, sometimes I pull a pube or two out of the lady’s bush. I suppose if I wanted to, I could use my teeth to pluck a pube out of my lady’s bush, but that would hurt her. And one thing you don’t want to do while you’re downstairs on a lady is inflict pain to her crotch. Pleasure is the key.

If you do have the kind of teeth that can actually trim a woman’s pubes, then you’re a very lucky person. Plus, either your mother or father fucked a woodchuck, so you should let scientists take a look at your genetic structures. You may hold the key to a future when all humans have the amazing ability to cut hair with their teeth. Contact your local university immediately.

I think that all women, regardless of age, creed, or color, should trim their pubes down to a reasonable level at all times. The best is obviously a completely shaved vagina, with a little tuft of hair on top. This way, you can still have the fun of styling your pubes, but no random hairs will end up in your lover’s mouth. I tell all my steady girlfriends that from the clit up to her bellybutton is her free choice of pube hairstyle. But below the clit, it should be as clean and smooth as possible. Nothing ruins the vibe or cunnilingus quicker than a long, coarse pube in the throat or caught in your gums.

Dudes, you too should keep your pubes under control. If your dick is fully erect, and you can only see the tip peeking out of your pubes, you’ve got to trim that shit back. It’ll end up tickling your girlfriend’s nose while she gives you a blowjob, making her sneeze and getting snot throughout your bush. Not a good look during sexual activity. It’s a real buzz kill.

Now, since pubic hair is a natural body accoutrement, there are those that suggest that letting the pubes grow wild and free is the only way to go. To those people I say, go back to the seventies where you belong. There is no room for you here in the future.

1. Tim had a huge winter bush, but after his girlfriend gave him the Ivory Lawnmower during an amazing blowjob, he was bald as an eagle downstairs.

2. Sheila had groomed her bush into her boyfriend Ernie Orwell’s initials “E.O.”. She was pissed when he gave her the Ivory Lawnmower and changed the letters to “F.U.”

RELATED TERMS:

Pubic Hair

Pussy

Boom. Case closed.

There are two popular kinds of IUDs that a woman can use. The first is one made of a copper core, and the other is made with hormones. Like I said earlier, I would advise that women use the copper ones, because adding more hormones into a woman is like adding more crazy to a lunatic pie. You don’t need them. Granted, there are advantages to the hormone IUD, namely that your menstruation bleeding is greatly reduced or even eliminated altogether. So, if you want more crazy in exchange for less bleeding, I guess you can go that way.

A monogamous girlfriend I was involved with a few years back decided to look into getting an IUD for herself. She hated the way that the birth control pill made her emotional stability frantic (to say the least), and we both hated the way condoms felt during sex. It’s so much better when sex is skin-to-skin. So, we started looking at other birth control possibilities. I researched getting myself a vasectomy, and she did some homework on getting an IUD.

She told me that when she talked with her doctor about it, he said that he normally didn’t give a prescription to get an IUD (which you need) to unmarried women under 35. He said that too many women were getting an IUD and then changing their minds about it later. Once a married woman hits 35, she can be trusted to know whether or not she wants to have children, I guess. We decided to go with the vasectomy, and I’ve been shooting blanks ever since.

We ended up ending the relationship after one particularly intense LSD experience together, during which she and I went to a local petting zoo and she made out with a llama for two hours. She tried to convince me that it was the drugs, and that she thought it was me she was kissing the whole time, but I knew the truth. She always had a thing for South American farm animals. Last I heard, she was living in Peru and was very happy.

An IUD is a great alternative for monogamous couples. With a failure rate of less than 2%, it can be the best option for you!

1. Women who have a lot of unprotected sex with strange men should get themselves an IUD and use it in combination with condoms.

2. Pete always worried that his wife’s IUD was going to stab the tip of his dick when he went balls deep.

RELATED TERMS:

Baby Batter

Condom

I suppose some women might be considered delicate by the outside world, but a pregnant woman is the definition of strong. She’s using her biological resources to nurture a fetus into a tiny human. That takes a lot out of a person. All your energy, food supply, nutrition etc goes to that fetus first. So no wonder women SEEM like they’re delicate. Really, they’re simply doing everything to support double the bodies.

When my sister was six months pregnant, she and I hiked a mountain together. Okay, it wasn’t the hugest hike and we took a gondola ride up most of it, but we still hiked the last part together. At one point I was going too fast (she was a little ways behind me) and I was a bit dehydrated (but mostly just out of shape), and when I stopped to catch my breath I got really dizzy and got a loud ringing in my ears and was positive I was going to throw up. I stumbled around for a moment, disoriented, feeling suddenly terrified that I might actually lose my footing and accidentally fall off the side of the mountain. My sister caught up to me a few minutes later. I had my head between my knees trying to get the ringing to stop and praying that the nausea would cease. My sister sat down beside me and stretched her arms, then she rubbed her hands along her large bulge of baby. ‘Gorgeous day, isn’t it?’ I couldn’t respond as I was too busy focusing on not spraying the mountainside with my vomit. After a couple of minutes in silence, she got up and stretched again. ‘Well, I’ll see you at the top’. Yeah. Not delicate, at all.

1. She’s….well, she’s….she’s in a delicate condition. Claire rolled her eyes. Ma, it’s no secret, just look at my giant belly. I’m knocked up okay? You don’t have to skirt around the issue with Grandma, it’s not like she can’t tell!

2. You’d be delicate too if you were in that condition. You know what I’m talking about. The pregnant kind.

RELATED TERMS:

Impregnate

Ready to Drop

The word inflamed is usually meant to indicate something bad. If an organ is inflamed, it’s not great news. But if you’re junk is inflamed….well…hot, right? Seriously. Hot. When you’re genitals are inflamed, you’re body is ready for a sweet pounding.

The interesting thing about our genitals becoming inflamed is that inflammation is known as a part of a complex biological response to harmful stimuli, like some kind of irritant or damaged cells. The inflammation is a protective stance by the organism to remove whatever is causing infection and stimulate the healing process. If you have inflamed joints or muscles, for example. The inflammation is there to get your body to start juicing up and getting its healing on.

When you’re sexually aroused, however, the inflammation is definitely a good thing. It’s proving that all systems are a go.

1. Doug remembered his first erection quite clearly. It was a very traumatic moment for him. He had no idea why his flaccid little penis suddenly swelled to what seemed like a giant garden zucchini (he was five…everything looked giant). It was clearly inflamed and full of blood. He poked it a few times and started crying. His mum came rushing into the room. Dougie, what’s the matter? I’m sick, he cried, pointing to his dick. He had his pants down in front of the closet mirror. His mother gasped. Put that thing away Douglas. RIGHT NOW. From that moment on, anytime Doug got an erection he recoiled and hid under his bed. Eventually he did start to masturbate, but he could only climax with his pants around his ankles staring into a full-length mirror, when his mother was home. As long as he could hear her loading the dishwasher or listening to Dr. Laura on the radio, he could shoot his jizz all over that mirror.

2. Cora ran her fingers down her stomach and along her hips. After spending two weeks at her girlfriend’s family’s cabin, she couldn’t wait to be alone with her pussy. Her fingers gently parted her lips and her index finger brushed against her swollen inflamed clit. She shuddered wildly. She was gonna come fast with little effort, she could tell. Cora always felt a little smug when it came to her ability to pop out orgasm after orgasm. Leah had to be in all kinds of positions before she could come, and even then, Cora wasn’t a hundred percent sure Leah was really coming. Not that she thought Leah was faking it, but if you don’t know what you’re missing and you see a bunch of women making animal noises on porn (or on regular movies, for that matter), you might just believe that what you’re feeling IS an orgasm. Except all women who’ve had orgasms know the different. She grinned and licked her index and middle fingers. Showtime.

RELATED TERMS:

Arousal

Boner

But here we are. You’re looking up this definition, so clearly you’re a little unclear.

If a person is infertile, it means they can’t reproduce, as in can’t make babies. You are biologically unable to contribute to conception. If you’re a dude, your sperm is swimming in circles or just can’t make it to the finish line for whatever reason. If you’re a woman, this means your eggs don’t have the energy to make that big journey along the fallopian tubes. Or, perhaps they make the journey, but just aren’t interested in getting implanted. Or maybe they’re willing to get implanted, but that egg is not interested in turning into an embryo and later, a fetus.

There are two kinds of infertility, primary and secondary. Primary refers to those who can’t conceive at all and secondary refers to those who’ve had success in conceiving their first child but are unsuccessful in conceiving another child. This is a pretty common experience.

A lot of couples struggle with infertility. There’s a lot of pressure to make babies and have babies and create babies and be all superior baby-making machines on a regular basis. And with the catholics and evangelicals of the world, there’s a lot of ‘sex-for-babies’ propaganda out there. Which is ridiculous because 99.99999999….% of all sex is NOT sex for procreation, it’s sex for pleasure. Even the Catholics who are all anti-birth control and anti-gay marriage and anti-EVERYTHING are all getting their asses pounded from as early as thirteen-years-old. Sex for pleasure. It’s a tale as old as time.

Recently the pope claimed that gay marriage is a threat to the sanctity of marriage because it holds the potential to undermine ‘the future of humanity ITSELF…SELF…self…self……’. Because, you know, the 10% of the world’s population that are gay are going to take over this crazy institution and make it so that heteros don’t want to only have baby-making sex, they’ll want to have crazy awesome hot butt sex too! (Sidebar: straight people have the majority of butt sex in the world, given that a quarter of all straight couples engage in anal sex/play. Even if all gay people everywhere were butt fucking 24 hours a day, all day long, every day forever, straight people would still get to take home the medal for the most butt sex).

As sex-advice columnist Dan Savage says, “If gay people are allowed to marry, suddenly we’re all going to forget which hole shits babies.” Indeed. That’s a fact.

1. I wish Rick Santorum was infertile.

2. Butt-sex is the bomb. Since there’s a good chance I’m not infertile, it’s the best way to stop myself from shitting babies.

RELATED TERMS:

Baby Batter

Ovaries

Why is this so hard for people to get? That if we open things up around the edges, if we’re honest and open and communicative with the person we’re dating, we can nip a huge potential for infidelity in the bud, just by acknowledging that everyone wants to fuck people other than the person they’re with? Everyone wants to fuck other people every day all day long all the time forever and ever. It’s a thing. We’re not hardwired to, once we’re in a monogamous relationship, never look at or think about or fantasize about or drool over another human being again. Just the opposite. Many of us want committed partners, long term companions, regular sex from the same person, and one primary relationship that will provide a great deal of emotional and mental support, physical and sexual intimacy, someone who will raise children with us, share domestic work, share financial responsibility, and bring us some fucking neo-citron when we’re sick. But along with that desire, most of us also desire newness, excitement, a little strange. None of which we can expect from our main partner all the time. Sure, we should be able to get SOME newness and excitement from them, but in all honesty, that person does represent a certain amount of stability and security, which doesn’t really go hand in hand with newness.

And yet, we don’t seem to learn from statistics, from basic human biology. We have people spouting out about “cheaters” and “those horrible people who have affairs” and “how dare people not uphold their monogamous commitment”. And yeah, people need to be honest from the beginning of the relationship about what their expectations are and what they know of themselves. So we have the Newt Gingrich’s of the world who spend years lying to their partners and having affairs, then going to them in the hospital and being all, ‘I think we should have an open marriage’. Newsflash douche cart, you can’t just retroactively have an open marriage. That’s not an open marriage. An open marriage is when everyone knows the rules upfront and everyone involved is cool with them. This is what I hate about conservative asshat so-called ‘values’. Most conservatives can’t even measure up to these ridiculous moral standings, and yet they run around preaching and judging others.

1. I hate Newt Gingrich and his ridiculous infidelity.

2. I am so super looking forward to committing infidelity. There’s nothing hotter than knowing I can’t be monogamous to my partner and lying to them that I totally think this is the way to live. Lame.

RELATED TERMS:

Extramarital Sex

Mistress