A horn dog is to the porno industry what a catholic priest is to the pedophile world; they just can’t stop doing what they love the best. Male or female, young or old, a horn dog is someone who is incredibly horny all the time, and makes even the most mundane topics of conversation a sexual pun of some sort. They’re on a constant mission to have sex, talk about sex, watch it, or even hear about it from others. I think everyone has at least one horn dog friend in their lives. They’re the guy or girl with no standards, the sexual appetite of a rabbit on ecstasy, and a sexual roster of people they’ve slept with longer than the ancient Sea Scrolls. However, Horn Dogs aren’t always classified as nymphomaniacs, because nymphomaniacs generally get laid a lot more. A horn dog does quite well, but only because they’re desperate enough to try everything and anything to get laid, pretty much 24 hours a day.
Unfortunately, because of their sexual nature, horn dogs can be terrible friends to keep. They’re constantly hitting on your spouse or partner, would shank you in the gut in a heartbeat if it meant they’d beat you to the punch on picking someone up at the bar, and they’re incredibly unreliable for any kind of responsibility or social situation. Take for example, a best man. There’s nothing worse than asking a horn dog friend to be the best man at your wedding, because inevitably he’ll end up in the parking lot in your limousine fucking the maid of honor, your older sister, or a distant aunt, at the moment you call his name to come up on stage and give the best man speech. Not to mention, he’ll hit on your bride endlessly, as he’s done the entire duration of your friendship. Horn dogs are best kept for groomsmen, or at the very least an Usher or DJ.
Another shitty thing about keeping a horndog as your friend is that you can never trust them alone in your home. Even if you just step outside your door to take out the garbage or have a quick smoke, he’ll be jerking off on your futon to your collection of home videos you made with your girlfriend, and most likely using your favourite t-shirt as a cum collector.
Perhaps the only plus side of having a horn dog as a best friend is that they have absolutely no standards, and will literally fuck anything. This makes them the perfect wingman at a bar when you’re trying to pick up a hot chick who has a nasty friend following them around like a puppy all night. The horn dog will jump on that grenade in an instant, without hesitation, even if she’s three hundred and fifty pounds, has a French tickler moustache, and sweats while she drinks her martini. He’ll still take her back to her place and fuck her brains out so you can make some progress with her hot friend.
1. My best friend in college was such a horn dog, that when my grades were failing HE slept with my professor so she’d boost my grades.
2. Despite his denials and proclamations of faithfulness to his wife, Herman Caine is a total horn dog.
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