This is, by far, the stupidest term for intercourse I’ve ever heard. It’s right up there with ‘hot beef injection’ and ‘makin whoopie’ as the cheesiest and lamest lines of all time. Just saying.
I suppose there’s something to be said for all these weird euphemisms we’ve concocted. We like to make jazzy names and fun little phrases for things when we want to turn them into a joke, when we’re uncomfortable or kind of afraid or embarrassed. Our culture doesn’t really know how to handle or deal with sex and sexual language, so we disguise it and dress it up like a friggin clown that makes balloon animals and squirts jizz out of an adorable little pink flower on his jacket.
We live in a really weird society.
When I think of the horizontal mambo I think of people doing the limbo or really cheesy guys with scraggly chest hair poking out of Hawaiian shirts or short and squat ladies in tiny high heels with thick calves and sexy back fat and bright blood red lips twisting their hips and dancing under disco lighting on a homemade dance floor on the beach. I think of the show ‘Hawaii 5-0’ and that episode with the sassy dark haired broad and her satin dress with the palm trees all over it, the one with the plunging neckline, her soft round breasts puffing up, her cleavage this sexy gaping V.
The horizontal mambo makes me think of lying on the beach, naked, skin drooling with heat and sand in my lady parts, wiggling around and wishing I could pass out from the tropical drinks, every hair of the dog I pounded back.
How could the horizontal mambo have anything to do with sex? It’s all about dancing and wearing bright colours and alcohol and sweat. Okay, sometimes sex is about those things, but the actual act of sex tends to be varied, with not nearly as much horizontal activity as one might think.
1. Anne and I totally did the horizontal mambo! Jason grinned at Leah. She stared at him. Dude, was this your first time? Jason shuffled his feet awkwardly. Uh….like….maybe. Leah shook her head. Of COURSE it’s your first fucking time. No one who has ever had sex before would ever in a hundred BILLION years call it the horizontal fucking MAMBO. You are the cheesiest human on the planet. I really hope you didn’t call it that when you were with Anne. Jason jumped to his feet. Of course I didn’t. Leah glared at him. Okay, what DID you call it? Jason shrugged. Uh, well…I just mentioned that I was so glad we had finally….uh….knocked boots. Leah laughed. Okay, if you ever want to get laid again, you’re going to have to stop speaking.
2. I thought about doing the horizontal mambo with you, but then I realized that it would be super awkward, given that I have two left feet and a serious lack of opposable thumbs.
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